A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm self-diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (by myself and several close family members).I've always had a tough time with reacting fast and correctly when I'm talking to people, especially in groups, which almost always size up against me for no reason, but one-on-one I'm usually fine.I need advice on how to make friends that won't mind hanging out if it's just them and me.So far I've had a lot of people fake that they are my friends so they can use me for money, transport, therapy, secrets, etc. then betray me or outright ignore me until they need me again. My own opinion or feelings never matter to them. New people I meet show no interest in making another friend and don't even ask my name. Often my old friends will 'save' one of my potential new friends from me by literally pulling them away. People always say they are too busy to talk or hang out, then I see new pictures of them hanging out with their other friends all the time on facebook. Recently any new people who do take an interest in me eventually prove to only have a sexual interest in me (and as an asexual this makes me terribly uncomfortable).I don't know what I am doing wrong, but it seems something I say or do just makes everyone want to toss abusive comments my way and avoid me. How does someone start a healthy, balanced friendship with meaningful conversations, an interest from both's sides and participation in activities together? There seems to be some sort of trick to it and I'm the only person who doesn't know what it is, because it comes so easily to other people with minimal effort, but I get nothing no matter how hard I try.What am I doing wrong?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 March 2017):
 OP, regardless of your age, you need to be diagnosed as having Asperger's before saying you have it. Lots of people find it very difficult to make friends and we may have traits of conditions that we don't actually have.You may have Asperger's but you can't claim to until it's diagnosed by a professional; self-diagnosis isn't a diagnosis, it's a hunch/guess.Also, once you're actually diagnosed, you can look for places that help people with Asperger's and, if you're not diagnosed and don't have it, then you can get therapy to find out where you may be going wrong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): Writer again
I just don't see why you blame me for complaining, WiseOwlE. Should I come on this site to say how great everything is going for me? Of course I have a problem I want to solve, or I would not be here!
I do not moan to my friends. I do everything I can to be positive, but I'm getting no positive reciprocation. I do not get treated well by them. At all.
I'm sorry but everything you've said and the way you approach my problem is just exactly how I am being treated in public. You are victimizing me. You assume I'm the problem when I've done nothing to deserve it. You assume if I just acted normal I'd be fine. Look at how these people treat me! Is this normal?
I've been trying my whole life to act normal. Now I've accepted that I have a problem and I'm trying to improve. Now you say that the problem is that I think there is a problem. I've had a hard time with making friends long before I was diagnosed. My diagnosis should help me to understand why I struggle with these things and help me to find a solution.
Tell me, why am I the problem? Why am I always wrong? Why do you take side against me, when you don't even know what I am already up against?
Don't you dare call this 'teenage ranting'.Stop talking about my age. Start talking about what other people want in a friend, and where I keep going wrong. I'm not having trouble because of my age. I've had this problem every age so far. I am angry and upset, and not because I'm a teenager, but because everyone tells me I'm wrong but doesn't tell me what I'm doing wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): The writer again.
I do not flit from friend to friend. I work for months or even years on a friendship and it doesn't become any stronger from their side.
The people who tolerate me the longest are those who are 'friends with everyone'. But they don't treat me the same way they treat their other friends. They are also these 'high maintenance' friends, but they're not that way with anyone else. They only expect lists and lists of stuff from me, and never offer anything in return. Someone else could call them fat and they'd just laugh, but if I say I don't like the colour orange they burst into a fit because that's their favourite colour (this actually happened). Small, insignificant things I do seem to offend them.
I am not easy to offend, but as you can see from my precious list, people do things to me that cannot be taken as anything but offensive.
Set my boundaries? I have boundaries. But the moment I start refusing things, not only do they stop talking to me, but they also discourage other people from talking to me.
People only talk to me if they think nobody they know is looking at us. I've actually had several people pretend to have forgotten my name- people who are in my life on almost a daily basis, and have been since pre-school.
And yes, I actually am asexual. Would you question someone who said they were gay? No. So why do you make it sound like you don't believe me, WiseOldOwl? This is a site that speaks kindly to cheaters and prostitute users and drug addicts, but why oh why does the word teenager set you ranting about how I am wrong? I'm not trying to make myself extra unique to stand out, in fact I'm trying hard not to draw attention to myself, and to not be offensive, while still following my own way. I'm just a misfit kid trying to make friends, not a monster who wants to own the world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): Hi, this is the person who asked the question.
I'd just like to respond to WizeOldOwl's answer and add a bit more detail to my own information. I left a lot out because people always tell me I explain too much. Now it seems I've said too little.
Why are you being so judgemental about my age? Why do you just assume my diagnosis is wrong? I did not research 'social struggles' on the internet and pick the first best option as an excuse. A few years ago I watched a show where I could really relate to the very behaviour of one of the characters- one who always seems sarcastic, ignores social norms (like 'hello how are you' or how to sit, or eye contact) and always means well but is never understood, among other things. While browsing through the show's fan wiki, I learned that the character was suspected to have Asperger's syndrome, and the reasons listed were all the very things that I had in common with the character. So I researched Asperger's syndrome, and did several online quizzes created by qualified psychologists and people with AS. The results were overwhelmingly positive. Then I approached my mother with this, and she told me that she had suspected for a long time, but was afraid I'd get upset so never told me. She and the rest of my family had done their research as well, and they came to the same conclusions. The only reason I do not have an official psychologist's diagnosis is because there isn't one within hours from here.
I am not using my diagnosis to be a whiner baby. I am using it to explain why things like making friends don't come naturally to me.
You tell me I don't see my own flaws. I pointed out my social disorder and you dismissed it, then started looking for new flaws. I am aware that I have mistakes. I do not pretend like I am better than other people. I am asking for you to help me better my mistakes and you only gave me a lecture on how wrong I am. You never even answered my question.
I do not have a long list of friends/acquaintances. I've always only had one or two non-relative people who actually talk to me at a time. Currently that number is zero.
I do everything to make a friend. I give everyone a chance, or two chances, or three. I take an interest in their interests, invite them places, listen, give advice, compliment them, and I never make a joke at their expense. I message them regularly, but don't overflow them with messages, and. All I expect in return is someone who will talk to me once in a while.
What do I get instead? When I asked one friend to hang out in town, she spent the entire time trying on clothes and asking how I looked in them and talking to the shopkeepers. She refused to go where I wanted to go, randomly joined friends of hers who didn't want me to join them, and by the end of the day I'd barely gotten the chance to talk to her. She saw a BFF necklace set (those kinds that fit together to form a heart) and asked me to pitch in to buy it. She kept both halves. When we decided to have something to eat, she insisted to go to a fast food place with a menu that I told her had nothing on it that I wanted, instead of going to a café which served things we would both eat. She asked me five times to fetch her some sauces from the kitchen (even though she knows I have a tough time talking to strangers and I had to ask someone every single time). I don't know about you, but to me this whole experience was a clear sign that she does not care about me as a friend. She never messaged me afterwards again.
At school nobody wanted to talk one-on-one. I hung out with a circle of guy friends, all with good manners, plus we normally played games during break so I didn't have to do much talking. They treated me like one of the guys. But every now and then someone will join the friend circle and then everyone is suddenly a misogynist. They will pelt me with antifeminist comments and demand that I either leave the group or take off my panties.
I then joined a girl group who everyone said was nice, but then they demanded that I should put on the biggest girl's bra and take a topless selfie as part of initiation into the group. They also told me I should get a bikini wax at a spa and that they'd watch to make sure the people were doing it right. I did neither of these things, and left the group.
Since then I have just been hanging out with people who were between groups. One girl wouldn't stop talking to me about how much she enjoyed having sex with her dad. I told the principal because I thought if this was real, she was in danger at home and the proper authorities should help her. She was taken out of the school. Another girl spent all break eating my food while I patiently listened to her talk about how hard things have been since her parents died, then one day she told me she was sick of me and didn't want to be my friend anymore.
Another girl remained my friend even after school, but she talked to me very little, normally just answering messages with laughing emoticons, even if I told her something sad like 'my rabbit died.' She's clearly stated she thinks I'm a failure and that my dream career will never happen. When I told her I had a bad week, she told me 'I hope you've had a nice week!' And when I told her I didn't think she paid attention to me, she started complaining that I ignored her messages, called her dream career foolish (she doesn't even have a dream career yet) and avoided her. Meantime when we were stuck in traffic beside each other she rolled the window up in my face.
I gave so many people so many chances. The only who I haven't given second chances are people who have pinned me against a wall. I don't think people trying to molest me is a 'natural' thing!
I do appreciate the friendship I get from my family, but my parents work all week and my sister is planning on moving out soon, so all I will have is my dog, who is practically my little brother. But I can't have a full conversation with him, can I? The rest of my family lives far away and anyway they treat me like a baby because I'm the youngest. I can't say anything without being told that I'm adorable or that I know nothing about the world so I should just keep quiet.
Nobody is making an effort to be my friend. Nobody outside my family even talks to me anymore. It's not that I can't see them, it's that they really don't exist.
I don't complain and complain when the world doesn't revolve around me. I'm not that kind of teenager. I just want somebody to talk to. But no matter what I do, people just don't take an interest in me as a friend. I need to know what people want from a friend. All my old friends who I've asked that to, say that I should leave them alone, then they'll be my friends. I'm no stalker. If I slow down the messages we'd never speak again. What is the point of having someone in your contact list if you never actually talk to them?
Why am I mostly sending messages? Because they just say hi and then walk off if I run into them in town. I only started using social media because people promised they'd talk to me more if I did. Now if I message them they say they want to talk in person, but when I talk to them in person they say they will continue the conversation with messages later.
Is everyone just a jerk or is there some special code I'm missing here? What makes everyone think I'm a doormat to rub their shoes on? What do people do to just make normal, good friends?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 March 2017):
Self-diagnosed means nothing. Diagnosing conditions needs to be left to professionals - a condition left undiagnosed by a professional is invalid. You may have Aspergers, but you may not and you can't diagnose it yourself.
As for friends, you need to make friendly acquaintances first. Join a group hobby or try to be friendly at work. A lot of people find it hard to make friends.
Have standards, but don't have too many rules. You can avoid people who make sexual advances, but friends asking for things is normal, so you just have to learn when to say no.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): What are you doing wrong? Lets start with making a self-diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome! Leave medicine to licensed and trained doctors who specialize in making medical decisions and diagnosis.
You can go online and match yourself to several different disorders, and not have a single one of them. If you want a medical-opinion regarding your mental-health, try a clinical psychologist, or a psychiatrist.
It's not the quantity of friends you have, it's the quality. Depending on how you look at it, friends tend to ask for money, transport, and an assortment of favors. That's what friends are for. You learn to say no and no thanks; and that is how you regulate or modify unwanted behavior from your friends. You set your boundaries.
Before we judge others, we look at ourselves in retrospect and determine why we always choose friends we can't count on. The problem is not always in the people; but who we tend to choose as friends, or who we want to call friends.
Considering your age, you make more "friendly acquaintances" than you make actual friends. Mainly because they are young people like yourself, on the go, and inexperienced with a lot to learn. Yes, they make lots of mistakes. So you learn to forgive and understand people for their misgivings and mistakes. You eliminate those who are mean, anyone you cannot trust, and distance those who betray you. Be mindful of your own faults and weaknesses before judging others. We're all human and in the same boat.
You take notice of the good people in your life, who stick by you through thick and thin. Anyone you feel you can trust. They support you when you're down, comfort you when you're suffering, and cheer you up when you're sad. All without being asked. They encourage you, and celebrate your victories. Sometimes they go unnoticed, because people like this are often taken for granted.
You claim you don't have the ability to regulate your emotional responses, or make the appropriate reaction to a situation; so it is likely you may have overlooked someone who is doing their best to get through to you. I think this is all due to your youth, and the lack of experience in interacting with people. You may be too sheltered and isolated. Social-awkwardness doesn't always require some form of therapy or treatment, my dear! You might need a clinical-evaluation to determine so, if you really feel something is wrong.
If you're prone to a lot of problems and complaining; then people are right to bailout on you. That means you're not managing your own problems and need to get your life together.
People don't like being around people who constantly criticize them, always bitter, and only see the dark-side of
things. Especially those who can't see their own faults! You're too young to be cynical and have such a poor outlook.
Attitude and what you project to others is what they judge you by. That's how they determine if they want you as a friend. Your disposition also determines how people treat you.
It's okay to look to your friends for support, but it may take time to find people you can really depend on. That may take a life-time of sorting and weeding through people. You stay positive and open-minded through this life-long process. Making sure you're the best you can be as a person.
People sometimes are only meant to be in our lives for a short period. To teach us something, or to touch our lives in some way; then move on. Some stray, and return. Some accept us for our faults, and others help us to see and correct them. It often makes them more trustworthy than those who will not be honest with you. You need to accept people into your life willing to let you know when you're wrong, and to teach you things you may not have learned on your own. Appreciate those who challenge you and don't always agree.
You do get to pick your friends; which means you can enjoy them around as long as they're good for you, and send them on their way when they're not. You can replace them as often as you deem necessary. You don't go bitter on everybody, because a few people let you down. You're not perfect. You make mistakes too!
Young people tend to get all sorts of notions about who they are, and what they don't like. These peculiarities start to pile-up until they're unlikable. Some people want to be unique and create some strange persona, and expect people to consider that to be who they are. When it's only some facade or wall they've built; because they're just insecure and scared. Trauma also may force people into a shell. Until they get professional help, or listen to others; they don't know the reason why they cannot get along with other people.
If you have flaws in your personality; which you've decided to attribute to Asperger's, then you have to allow for the flaws of others. Don't expect from others what you're not willing or able to give yourself.
My friends take advantage of me, and I'm fully aware of it. I enjoy being good to them; because that's the kind of man I am. I have my limitations, set boundaries, and I know when to say no. I've had the same good friends for many years, some dating back to when I was just a boy. I have made mistakes and they have forgiven me many times over the years, and I've done the same. You can't be a perfect friend all the time. The objective is to try, and mean it.
Cousins and siblings make good friends too. Sometimes what we desire most is right under our noses! We overlook the very blessings given us from birth.
Don't put all the effort into making friends; the effort goes into keeping those people around who try to be your friends, and want to show you love. Tell them when they've done you wrong, praise them when they're good to you, do favors generously; but know when to say no, or that's enough. They have to be told, not expected to read your mind.
As for all this stuff about being asexual and people wanting sex from you. That's natural behavior to be expected from other human beings, and you don't have to accept any behavior from people you don't like. If you come across to people as a stuck-up snob or weirdo, with all these rules, unusual differences, and walls up; you don't make many friends. You just run into people who tolerate you.
It's all a part of being a teenager and your development. Typical of your age-group, my dear!
It's called a "high-maintenance friend" when you always have to go out of your way to appease or satisfy them. Always walking on eggshells to avoid offending them. They don't like this, or they don't like that. They're so above or beyond what everybody is. They're hard to understand. Mostly hard to like! So their friends are few, or quite short-term.
Being nice and allowing yourself to be open, attracts people. Making-up reasons you can't be nice to people is too easy. It just means you want things only on your own terms.
That doesn't work in the real-world, as you will learn. You give and take, or compromise.
If you feel you have some sort of social disorder; it would be better left to a professional to determine what it is, and how to deal with it.
Sorry this is so long. This is one of my favorite topics, and I hope to help you and others.
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