A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner will die unless he has an operation for his heart which he doesnt want to undergo.If i mention it he just dismisses it out of hand and as i know time is short i find it very stressful.It also feels rather like being permanently and abruptly dumped because unless something very unexpected happens i will be left standing on this side of life.I understand that he is free to make his own choices but that isnt exactly helping.I tried talking to a doctor about this but she just said "why would anyone choose to die!" and also "why are you taking this on." Others say "we've all got stresses and we all have to die sometime anyway!" The thing about death is that its rather final and painful for those left behind and this can make me feel very sad and abandoned.Can anyone understand this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): Live for today, live in the moment, Love every moment and try and forget tomorrow. Today is precious and creates our memories for tomorrow.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): I lost the love of my life eight years ago. He silently suffered from a rare cancer, and didn't tell me.
He always said he would rather go on to the next world; than to go through chemotherapy, or languish in a hospital bed. He always told me, he could never trust me to make a decision that would free him from living on life-support; because he knows I love him too much. He said many times he was not afraid of death, only how he would die. He only hoped it would be peaceful and with dignity. Yes, when I lost him; it took much time to deal with my own grief. However; God mercifully allowed him to go peacefully and with dignity. Writing this brings forth much emotion; but I must answer your post. I know what's in your heart. Our love for them is so strong it tears at our soul to see life without them.
Your age is between 51 and 59. I would assume your partner is in the same age-group, or perhaps older. In maturity, we become more aware of our mortality.
Most prefer dignity and peace, over an extended period of costly surgeries, uncertain prognosis, and living on pain-killers. Fighting infections, dealing with medical complications, and watching the weary and frightened faces of their loved ones through it all. Maturity gives us a sense of grace and the ability to face our mortality without the fears we may have had in much younger years. It becomes the quality of life, over the quantity of life.
Respect his wishes. I was not given a choice, because I never knew my partner had only a year from his diagnosis.
He never wanted me to worry. I will not go into every detail; because it is too much for you, and even for myself to talk about. I fight back tears to even speak of it, but you must understand that what he has chosen gives him the peace to deal with his inevitable mortality. Not having to deal with the uncertainty of whether whatever surgery he undergoes will even be successful; and how much he may have to suffer from the side-effects. It's his life, and your grief does not out-weigh his life decisions. So the best you can do, is pray and prepare. Love each and everyday you are blessed to share with him; and perhaps he may at some point decide to change his mind. Just accept that he may not.
Make peace with yourself and see him as a living person, not a dying person. You owe him that much love and respect.
You knew from the very start the time would come that either of you would have to face their own departure from life; and one of you may leave the other behind. Yes, death is final; but our love and memories are how we survive loss.
Allow him his decision and unburden yourself with the worry.
You are putting yourself through torture trying to decide for someone else how they should preserve their own life.
It's simply not your choice and no matter what anyone else has to say about it, it is really up to your partner. He has no responsibility to worry about life once he's gone.
He has to appreciate what he has while he is still here, and he will face his inevitable departure with peace and knowing how much he was loved, and was able to love back.
Love him to the end. May God grant you both peace and serenity; and may there be minimal suffering or pain.
Peace be with you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (19 September 2015):
 My husband has a very serious illness and although he is fighting as hard as he can, we both know that there is a possibility that he won't live to be old. I totally understand what you are feeling. Its a very sad, frightening feeling. I cherish every moment that I have with him and lock them away in my brain and heart, knowing that our time together may be limited. I will be lost without him and I don't even like to think the day may come when I will be standing alone.
I really feel badly for you, hun. Your partner for whatever reason doesn't want to even fight, so it has to be so much worse for you.
Perhaps he is too frightened of the surgery and would rather live out what time he has rather than go under the knife? Some people are deathly afraid of surgery. Maybe he hasn't really accepted what is going on and is in denial?
Have you tried to coax him to talk to you? Is he just not willing? If hes made up his mind then there isn't much that you can do. You have to decide whether you want to stay with him and ride things out, or walk away. Only you know what you can handle.
I feel for you hun..I really do. Do what your heart tells you to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): cheer up you dreary old soul ...when things get you down then you get up and stand for the things you believe in! You have to live in the present ,its something we all do...perhaps it is a bit emotionally draining but you can recharge your batteries now and again with a good sleep and hey, it may never happen and if it does you can always get upset then.x
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 September 2015):
 Is this something recent he has just been told? Maybe the gravity of it all has not quite sunk in yet. I can't really think of any other reason why someone so young would turn their back at a second and perhaps only chance at life other than being terrified of the op itself. I am a great believer in being able to choose the right to die with dignity in cases of terminal illness but this really is quite odd and for a better word -selfish. I would have to agree that I would find this rather upsetting that my partner had little disregard for those having to sit back and just let it be. Too tell you the truth I think this would make me both angry and upset enough to be giving some serious thought into whether or not I would be sticking around at all. When he's gone you will be torturing your self with all the why's in the world.
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