A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Advice on risk-taking and dishonesty..-----A couple (A and B) meet around a year ago through a dating app. They clicked instantly, went for dinner the following night and slept with each other. A had had a test a few weeks before they met B and asked B if they practised safe sex to which B said yes. A and B used a condom that night despite there being some exposure/risk-taking at the beginning. There was a really strong connection between them, they both noticed it and were a bit amazed by the whole thing. So they decided to go for "the test" together. It turned out B had chlamydia.When A found out, they were a bit shocked but knowing that A had taken risks before, A suggested it could easily have been them and that B was just "unlucky".. B agreed (went along with the idea) and A tried to move forward hopefully. One thing that puzzled A was how B had absolutely no idea where or when they had contracted chlamydia and B divulged some time later that it had been over 2 years since they'd been tested. The night A and B found out B had chlamydia, B contacted the last 4 people they'd slept with and none of them had it.. so while A was hoping for the best, A didn't believe B'd been completely transparent with them. Thankfully, B didn't catch chlamydia from A.They talked about sexual histories and, in general, B would generally have taken sex a lot lighter than A.. lots of one night stands with strangers B'd meet on nights out etc. B admitted they went a bit "wild" in the past (B had lived in Sydney for 6 years and returned home 9 months before meeting A) and referred to themselves once as "promiscuous" in the early stages of the relationship. With each additional piece of information B gave A about their past, A became more and more paranoid that there was a lot more they hadn't been told about. A month later, a friend B had shared an apartment with in Sydney came to visit. During a conversation between the three of them, B mentioned that they had kept a dating diary when in Australia.All this time, A and B were falling in love. They loved spending time together and a very deep soul connection formed. A found it incredibly confusing, all of these amazing feelings of love, stronger than A'd ever felt before, accompanied by this creeping fear that something wasn't right or that they were missing information they believed they should know.A and B lived in different cities and spent alternate weekends with together in each city. After one such weekend, B left their laptop open and unlocked on A's kitchen table. When A got home from work that night and saw it there, the first thing that entered their head was B's dating diary. A wanted to be free from doubt so much and to just have positivity in their hearts with respect to B, A couldn't help themselves and read the diary.First off, it was established early in the relationship that B had slept with way more people A but A was fine with this (B can't actually estimate their number with any real accuracy). But what the diary revealed to A in terms of B's risk-taking, passing risks on to others and a lack of self-care completely freaked A out. B had been completely reckless/unsafe with random strangers for the 2+ years in Sydney and at home before they met A and had passed all of the risks they'd taken on to A the first night they slept together. B actually admitted in their diary that they weren't at all surprised they'd picked up an STD, as if they were having parallel conversations with A and their own diary. It was such a huge kick in the stomach for A. A admits they should never have read something that was not intended for them and has never done anything like that before in their life.. but to this day, A does not feel overly remorseful due to the dishonesty that was uncovered and the hunch they had felt all along.A and B had a huge fight.In A's opinion, you've got to be transparent with people about whatever risk levels are present when you sleep with them. A should have been given the choice the first night A and B were together not to be exposed to B's risk-taking instead of B giving A the impression B practised safe sex. A just believes it's part of being a decent human being..A wanted to break up but found it close to impossible as they had fallen deeply in love with B. Around this time, A started to take note of manipulation coming from B. B didn't admit anything they had done was wrong and that their behaviour was all part of "the game", listing off names of friends in Australia who'd behaved similarly. Instead, B tried to make A out to be the ogre for reading the diary and the best B could do was admit they'd had their "head in the sand". B also claimed to not remember them telling A that they practised safe sex the first night they spent together. The arguments continued and A broke up with B.A began to really miss B and feel really guilty for breaking up with them. A had never encountered the issue of STDs before and was worried about being too judgemental. So, after some time apart, they got back together. At this stage, A felt bruised and battered but still very much in love. Still feeling a bit scared/unsafe but hoping things would come good now that everything was behind them. Some time passed and A drunkenly admits to B that they cheated on the only other long-term partner they'd had. A had asked B previously if they'd been unfaithful to anyone before to which B answered no. B then proceeded to tell A they had no recollection of the conversation. This made B feel really uneasy all over again.A and B had spoken about a future together and potentially children. However, at this stage, A is now feeling very wary and unsafe. For A to even begin start feeling comfortable with B again after all of this, A needed B to examine this behaviour and to work out what was really going on for B. B'd been pretty much disowned by their father in their teens as they'd started "acting out" and their only other long-term partner (the one B had cheated on but not told them) had split up with B just before they moved to Australia. Psychology 101 says there's father figure, self-worth, self-care and validation issues going on for B. Any time A suggested therapy to B, B would turn it all back on A saying that A was the one with the issues, A had an over-pronounced fear response from being abandoned as a child by their parents and that A needed to get over themselves.A has done a lot of therapy. A did have terrible parents and has been battling self worth issues for a good portion of their lives. A knows how bad things can feel and how people can do things and behave in certain ways to make themselves feel better.. even though these things and behaviours might not be good for you. A very tumultuous few months passed by and A and B went on holidays together. While on holidays, A and B visited a friend of A's home where there was a birthday party taking place. B got really drunk and became really intense / touchy-feely with someone at the party. Everyone noticed and it made people there feel uncomfortable. After everything that had happened, A could not believe their eyes. B's excuse for the whole thing was that they was comforting this person because their Mum was sick. B also said that they would not have gotten so intense / touchy-feely with said party guest if they had been better looking. B actually said it was the guest's fault for getting the wrong idea as they should have known B wouldn't be interested as, looks-wise, the party guest was not at B's level. A and B spent 2 days fighting about it and in the end, A just tried to bury it. A few days later, B went completely overboard (self-admitted) flirting with a waiter in a restaurant but excused it saying that they're just friendly in general and wanted to make the waiter feel comfortable as it was their first day. A is no spring chicken - there was a lot more going on that just trying to make someone feel at ease.When they got home, A realised that they simply didn't trust B any more. If B was happy to be so inappropriate at a party when A was actually there, A simply doesn't trust B not to do the same or more, perhaps even with someone better looking the next time they're invited to a party!What is your advice for A and B?-----
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broke up, condom, drunk, flirt, got back together, on holiday, one night stand, split up, std Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (16 October 2016):
 You've changed things around somewhat. In your October 3rd submission you said Person A had the STD, but in this one you say it was Person B.
In any event neither party is in a position to point fingers at the other.
Persons A and B are unremarkable from everyone else who writes in to us telling us how they 'clicked instantly' and had this 'amazing connection' to someone they hopped into bed with less than 48 hours after meeting them on a dating site.
Both are more than old enough to be savvy about the ways of the world and should have been wise enough to take things more slowly and not believe everything they hear. You know the old caveat 'buyer beware'. Instead they acted like a couple of horny teenagers and can't figure out how this could have happened.
You cannot possibly know someone THAT well THAT quickly.
My advice is that you both take some time to grow up and do some soul searching. Since trust was never established, it hasn't exactly been broken. What you've damaged is your ability to trust in your own judgement.
Further to my earlier point, A would be wise to stop suggesting therapy to B. It's condescending and it implies that because A has already undergone therapy they are healed so it must be B who is broken and therefore the cause of the problems. BOTH are equally culpable here.
Frankly, I don't think either of you have the maturity to salvage this and make it work, so my advice is to cut ties (no remaining 'friends'), take some time to reflect then begin anew with someone else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): Yes I agree very hard to read and make sense of but I would advise A to dump B because as they say themselves, B is clearly reckless and deceitful
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): I have to say that your post was quite difficult to read as you refer to a single person as "they".What you describe is a person, we still dont know who it was a man or a woman B who is promiscius in his/her life to the point that STDs are not a rare occurence.Then you want this person to be totally transparent with you about this. You do know its not realistic right?Why would you want to be with promiscius person. These people never stop. They go from one sexual partner to another without stopping, and STDs follow them their whole life. You are in danger to be with such a person, and you know it yourself
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