A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles, I'd like your advice/to hear from your experiences about whether someone who cheats can change their ways. My bf and I have been together 5 years, and I recently found out he's been texting random women explicit pics/messages (from an adult text dating service) on a secret cell phone - he says he hasn't met any of them, just fantasised about it, I believe him on this. But 1 year ago, I also found out he was sending/receiving similar texts to a female work colleague, who has since left her job (again, he says nothing physical happened). At that time, we split up (his choice, I was sad, we stayed friends), and got back together 6 months ago (his choice, saying he couldn't live without me). He started using these adult dating text services 3 weeks ago, and tells me he was bored and lonely. I've told him I need time to think about whether I still want to be with him, and he seems devastated. Has smashed up his (secret!) cell phone, seems really depressed, says he feels he's messed everything up and all he wanted was for us to be a family... I love him and want to believe him, but would I be a fool to? How do I make sure he's learnt from his second mistake? How do I make sure he's not going to do it again? Advice appreciated.x
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male
reader, q1605  +, writes (3 July 2009):
 About cheating. I would find it impossible to forgive a woman who slept with a man right under my nose. And then did the whole song and dance that end's with "then I slipped and fell on his penis". If all situations were that easy it would be easy to tell you to dump him. My wife cheated on me after I put myself in a situation knowing if certain things happened that I could be away for well over a year. All the while she told me. Don't do it. Don't go there. Literally, don't go there. I went there. I was gone for almost a year. She filed for divorce. She divorced me. Later I figured out she had slept with a guy after I was gone but before the divorce was final. It makes it no easier on me. The thought of them. I was warned. She told me what to expect. I rolled the dice and lost. Lost more than I ever would have hoped to gain following the course of action that got me where I ended. But in light of the circumstances I got what I asked for and I got what she promised would come. I did come back and make it up to her. She did come clean with it all which is something I never expected. And is something that actually gave her back some of the credibility she lost by selling me out. We have both logged the time it takes to mend us and as of yet I have few regrets. I just have to forget the guy and view us as truly starting back at square one.
But yes if she was simply a liar and a sleazy cheat I would have walked away and never looked back.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (2 July 2009):
 It appears that he is sincere in his apology. He is distancing himself from the temptation. He was right when he said he messed things up. He did, it hurt. What you do next is between you two. He is probably not a bad person. I never liked the word incorrigible. On the other hand You should be fully , eyes wide open, aware that your man has a weakness. He gets a thrill out of talking to strangers on line. It's at least a kind of emotional cheating, that can lead to physical cheating. We all have weaknesses. Im diabetic and lactose intolerant, but some days I just have to have ice cream. I know I'm going to pay for it, but the temptation is great. Usually I make a bargain. I want a big ice cream sundae, but I can be happy with a small diet ice cream treat. Can you see where this is going. Can your boyfriend trust you enough to call you up and say "I'm really lonely and horny, And I want to go on line"? Will you threaten him or can you offer him a bargain. Like "I'm busy right now, but call me tonight and we'll talk dirty" Or whatever you two decide. Whatever you do you need to keep an eye on his weakness, and absolutely no "secret" phone. Some people will say I'm being unreasonable but real long term relationships are built on trust. You have to trust him not to cheat and he has to trust you to help him and not abandon him lightly.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): Generally no, repeat offenders can't change their ways. Yeah they're great to be with when everything is going well. What happens when the going gets a little tough? Almost all of the time the repeat offender will fall back into the habit of cheating. If you really truly think he might be the love of your life, you can consider taking him back. It seems pretty disgusting he'd do that though if he truly loved you. It's pretty disrespectful. That's just my opinion though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): (Original poster) Thanks for this reply - I can forgive him...I just don't want it to happen again!x
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (2 July 2009):
Let me tell you, anybody that gets on here and says they would never, ever, never, in a million years cheat....may not be lying, they have just not been presented with the scenario that would lead them to cheat. That said, I lean towards saying yes they can change. I think Tolstoy started Anna Karenina with the line "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in it's own way." I think that would apply to cheater's as well. Meaning that each cheater cheat's for his own reason and will stop for his own reason. Is his remorse manufactured to placate you? Was this a one time deal? Will the things you need to see as evidence and that will satisfy you that he will not do this again need time to unfold and convince you? Do you give enough of a shit to see this through. These are questions only you can answer. But I think anyone that comes on and says nope, no second chances, no shelter, no forgiveness, are being simplistic in their answer. Or they have not met that person that they would want to forgive. I have found the people who provide the most joy in my life tend to be somewhat flawed. Even conflicted. Don't be a door mat but you obviously see something in this guy we could never see through our monitors and it has sent you here for advice. There are people out there that provide enough light in our lives that they can be given a second chance. And even if you dissolve the relationship you must find it in yourself to forgive him. Not for him but for you to unbridle your heart and your mind that you don't drub the guy coming along in his stead that may turn out to be the love of your life
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