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male
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anonymous
writes: Its been a little over a month since my ex broke up with me. Yea, I still love her and want her back. But the pain is going away finally. I am going out and having fun. She is with a new guy too. But the thing is I don't think she expects me to move on. She calls me behind her boyfriends back. She doesn't tell me things like she loves me and stuff, but she's said it before when I asked her. She knows how I feel too. But i'm interested in other people now and she knows it and I think it bothers her. I'm not planning to see anyone seriously but if nature happens then I wont fight it. I think she's starting to realize that I am not gonna play second choice anymore and that I will move on. This is happening just like I thought. But, I'm not gonna just take her back now. I may have had issues that she found unattractive which is probably why she split with me. But she did really shitty things throughout our relationship that she is also gonna have to change. So here's the question. Since I do want her back and if and when she would like to try, how do I tell her she needs to change some too without screwing up my chances? I know honesty is best, but I wanted some womens opinions on how to approach it when the time comes.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Well I don't know if you broke up or she did. I also don't know how long you were together. And I don't know what issues she had that you'd like to see change. Really the only way is to simply tell her, but first you need to ask her why she's always calling you now that she has a b/f? Ask her point blank and see what she tells you. If she says, she just wants to be friends, then I would make myself less available to her. I think she just wants a way to interfere, should you find someone you're interested in, by playing head games with you. She doesn't really want you back, she just doesn't want anyone else to have you. If she tells you she's calling you because she is thinking about getting back with you, then you have the opportunity to say, "Well, I'd like that too, but there will have to be changes this time around --" and then tell her what they are. Don't compromise. If she treated you like shit, she'll do it again so make sure she understands what will and will not be tolerated the next time around. Personally, I think she's young and immature and doesn't really know what she wants, or whom she wants to be with and she will continue to play with your heart and your head until she figures it out. In the meantime, you will feel like you're always dangling on a string, waiting for her next move, and it will prevent you from truly moving on and finding happiness with someone who has their head screwed on right. But that's just my opinion. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I shouldn't have said she calls me behind his back. They are actually not serious or anything. And also the shitty things done were normal relationship stuff, its just that we had a long distance thing and basically if we had lived near each other we would still be together. Yea, we both have our issues, but I think we both feel that later on when we get our shit together we might have another go. I know she's feeling regret a little but I think it may have been a good thing she broke with me. Thanks for the help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): I totally agree. Continue moving forward and casually dating. DONT be available everytime she rings. Dont always return her calls. Mention if you do speak to her, that you have your own life and you cant be there for her because you arent in a relationship anymore. Personally, I have never found friendships with exes to work, normally because one will have feelings somewhere, or too much stuff has gone down for it to work platonically. From what you have said here, i wouldnt take her back, and I wouldnt tell her that you were thinking about it. Move onwards and upwards to better girls!
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A
female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (13 January 2008):
 You said, "But she did really shitty things throughout our relationship that she is also gonna have to change." and
"She calls me behind her boyfriend's back."
Now, ask yourself, why you want her back.
We're all flawed. I am not suggesting that you hold out for your idea of perfection because you will be alone for the rest of your life. However, we all have needs that must be met and we all have wants that we'd like to be fulfilled. Big difference between needs and wants and they're subjective, which is to say that a need for you is a want for someone else.
I think you need to be alone for awhile because you don't know your needs and wants. You can't enforce your boundaries if you don't know where they are. You can't be your personal best for yourself or for a woman, until you know what your personal best is. We are all growing and changing so I am not suggesting that you have to have all of your ducks in a row before having a relationship. What I am saying is that you need to set your foundation.
When you date casually and you find someone that you click with ... you are amazed at how easy it is to have fun with her, enjoy her company even if you're both quiet, you don't feel neglected nor smothered ... then you know you have found someone that you want to have in a serious relationship.
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): tell her, she's going to have to change a little bit if she wants it to work.
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