A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in desperate need of advice on what to do with my current relationship as i'm not liking how it is going. It's somewhat long, but I wanted to be thorough. Thank you very much in advance for your help!!So my current girlfriend and I dated for about a year until finally making it official June 1st of this year. She didn't want a commitment, but I did and it wasn't until I drew the line 10 months later, and said no more that she came back 1 week later and said she realized she loved me. Things progressed until we were finally in a relationship. We have always had arguments about stupid things just as any couple does, but it wasn't until we made things official that it has become too much. I will add the we started the relationship right as she was moving 600 miles away for 3 months so this might have a affect on things since we used to see each-other everyday.Our most recent/current fight is over her coming up with the idea of us flying to go on a rafting trip. I neglected to let her know how cool the idea was before I told her that would cost too much and we should just drive. She said I was a debbie downer and shot her idea down, which I understand I should have acknowledged her idea better as I have always had a problem with acknowledging other peoples ideas before adding with mine, but there is no need to get in a huge fight and discuss whether we should end things or not over this. For the past 4-5 days it has been something that has caused a fight.She keeps saying this is not how the first month is supposed to go, and that little things everyday are starting to piling up not knowing how much longer she can take it. I don't think this relationship can be looked by the term 'supposed to go' because everything between us started in a non-typical way. She is starting to have second thoughts about our relationship and currently debating what she should do. She thinks that we just may not be compatible because we argue so much, but I disagree because some arguing is healthy and we were great best friends and lovers before making it official and her moving. I have read that people that can make it through a rocky start and work out your problems end up being the best relationships. It shows you both care about the relationship and each other enough to work through the problems just as we have many times in the past.I think that we have allot going for us since we started out as best friends and have already made it through more hurdles in 1 year than most people go through in years. I have put more into this relationship than anything else ever, so I don't want to just give up. I know she doesn’t either, but these stupid argument are becoming too much. Obviously a few issues need to be addressed, but do you think a relationship can last being rocky in the first official month? Any suggestions on how to get past this? I’m supposed to fly out to see her this Wednesday, which I think might help since we haven’t seen each other in a while. Do you think I should still go?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 June 2013):
 Some people are able to be friends and not lovers/partners. Sounds like you and your GF are those folks.
Most couples do not fight all the time. At least not the healthy stable ones.
And I have to say if you are FIGHTING early on in the relationship while LDR I hold even less hope for this working out long term.
You've invested a lot of time in this girl and you don't want to walk away... but eventually you will tire of her demanding ways.
You are young... I say consider leaving now.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 Hoooooo....hoooo...hooooo...
What's this ?
This is the sound of a distressed Aunt howling in frustration. Forgive me, I am only human and just can't take it anymore. I can't just read for the umpteenth time " we have lots of stupid arguments as any couples do "- sayz who ? There are tons of couples which only fight very seldom, and only about important ,deal breaking issues. It's mostly in sitcoms that you see people bickering day in and day out and then ... it all ends well because basically they love each other to bits. But that's a comedic expedient, conflict works well in entertainment ( nobody wants to watch a movie or a play about two people that spend hours together serenely in companionable silence ). In real life it does not work as well, either people gets sick and tired of it pretty soon ( as apparently your gf is doing ) and calls it quits , or else , for lack of imagination, lack of self esteem, lack of positive example around them, they stay put and subject themselves to a lifetime of conflictuality and petty arguments. What a joy.
Hoooo...hooooo....I can't take it any more - nor can the regular readers- to quote the extensive study about divorce from Rutgers University ( but there are several others and all reach the same conclusion ) which says that the main predictor of a lasting relationship is a LOW level of conflictuality.
In short, love is wonderful- BUT , you've also got to be able
to get along. Some times with the best of will , and the most well meant attempts, it just does not happen because of too different personalities , life visions, upbringing ,expectations etc.etc. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole and basically that's what all these in love argumentative couples are tryng to do.
Yeah , OP, I know that it is next to impossible to make a lucid and rational decision when you are in love, it takes an inhumane effort to say " Ok, I love you but we are just not compatible, let's spare us bitterness and strife and bad feelings and part ways amicably till we still can ". Most people just choose to stay and try and " work it out ", which basically means getting entangled in a sterile cycle of MORE arguments / kiss-and-make-up until either one gets totally fed up and leaves slamming the door one final time.
What can I say OP- good luck, there are exceptions to any rule, maybe in ten years you'll not only still be together, but together happily and intelligently, without anymore stupid arguments. We'll call up together Rutgers and we'll tell them " Nyah nyah nyah, you idiots ".
In the meantime, though, don't be surprised if your gf does not buy your theory of " the more hurdles we jump together... ", maybe she is a sensible girl who believes that in the first year ( still honeymoon stage ) it's reasonable to expect that there are NO hurdles.
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