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Can a gay/bisexual man have a committed relationship with a women while still looking at gay porn??

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok this is a very big problem.

I've been having. I moved in with my boyfriend 7 months ago. We've known each other for over a year now. We've not kissed yet, we're in seperate bedrooms and frankly I'm getting tired of it. He tells me he's scared but I've seen some disturbing things like he's been looking at gay men on the computer and he actually has a bunch of gay porn that he doesn't know I know about.

I found an old gay personal he had from 2002 it said he was bisexual...but I've also come across a few others that says he's looking for relationships with men. He hasn't logged onto these sites since I've moved in but I can't help but wonder if I'm just his "cover" so his family and friends don't think differently about him.

So, really I have two questions...I know he loves me so is it possible for a relationship to work out like this if I have the patience to wait a little longer? The second question is can a gay/bisexual man have a committed relationship with a woman while still looking at gay porn?

View related questions: gay porn, moved in, porn

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A female reader, serenity101 United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

Hi. I am having the same dilemma actually. I'm in a romantic relationship with my bestfriend of 13 years. It turns out that he's bisexual. I found out years ago when I surfed the net and found his profiles at dating sites. I even created a fake account to check whether it's really him or just a poser. It turns out it's really him. In my quest to understand what he was going through, I kept my correspondence with him for a few weeks. He doesn't know it was me he was talking to because my profile says that I'm a guy. From our conversations, I found out that yes he fell in love with me and actually thought that I'm the one for him, but he just didn't have the strength to tell me before. So when I finally had a boyfriend, it broke his heart into pieces and hated me. we stopped talking and doing all forms of communication for two years. Then his dad died. The absence of a father image aggravated it.

His friends and some sisters would call him gay. He got so sick of tthat he finally thought that maybe he's one coz his friends and family tells him so. Finally he looked into it andkinda stayed in that phase for about 4 years. He has had these fantasies with men but never actually acted on it. He was scared that his family would disown him so he never told anyone about it except me (under my fake identity). Eventually, I stopped emailing back...

After a year, we talked again as best friends, forgave one another for all the pain we might have caused each other. We slowly rebuilt our friendship. Just this year we finally have decided to take our friedship into a higher level.so gotintto a relationship. I'm so into it. It is trully love but there is something wrong. He isn't expressive. And I was worried. I told him that I know about his curiousities and have asked him about it. I gave him the assurance that I'll stick with him through it all. It went on like this until recently, we finally talked about his curiousities and how what started it. He said he wasn't happy and assessed himself and finally realized that he isn't one. He wasn't happy because he was trying to be one but couldn't seem to fit in.

A few weeks ago, he opened up to mean told me about his plans for the future. He said he want us to get married. I was more alarmed than happy. In my heart I can't tell if he has really gotten out of it or if he's just sing me as a cover up. I know I love him and I love him for a long time and also because we are best friends. But, I'm really about that'sg oing to happen after we get married. I have thoughts about what if he sneeks at the middle of the night to do something he can't do with a woman? what if the children find out? What if I'm really just a cover up? His whole family likes me so much that they wanted us to marry as soon as possible. The family also know about his curiousities and they are against it. what if they want us to be together in the hopes that 'marrying' would somehow put an end to his male curiousities?

Please, help me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009):

it s few years since you wrote this soo i don t know if you still in such a situationbut i feel like writing soo here it goes.

i am in more or less the same situation. being with this person for a very long time and yes we kissed an had a bath together and seldom he would tach me but never madelove and rarelly slept in same bed and i sometimes question about sex even if i have heard he could be gay as he had a very bad past in foster homes and stuff i use to tink that his sex luck was due to past experienes and yes i do enjoy sex but i would say it s not a priority i tink it depends what you class as a relatinship. i believe he loves me and he would not cheat even if i am now sure he is gay as have checkedhis facebook account and notice he has e mailed gay person he does hurt but for now i am going to carry on as we are soo close in other ways.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008):

Your problem isn't that he's watching gay porn. I have a bisexual boyfriend who I know does the same and yet we have a fantastic sex life and I know he loves me and I him.

Your problem is you have been together for so long and not kissed yet. What is a relationship to you? How can you have moved in together and not shared at least one, passionate, heart-stopping "he's the one" kiss??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

Sounds to me like he is GAY but in a certain level of denial in thinking he is bisexual. There are true bisexuals out there but a lot of men who call themselves bisexual are actually plain gay but just don't want to admit it (not even to themselves).

I think you've waited quite a while already. I don't know but my guess is that if you wait a bit longer that nothign will change.

I don't think a gay man can have a proper committed relationship with a woman. If he is gay then there will never be any sexual attraction for him and that isn't the sort of relationship either of you should be in.

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A male reader, Samutsen Poland +, writes (5 December 2007):

Samutsen agony auntBaby...You are being sooo naive. Please. If he wasbisexual he would had sex with you on the first night after you moved in. We men do like this.

Come on. he ha sno interest in women at all. And appearently he is unable to have that. How come you have been duped all this time and waited and waited.

Even if he is bisexual how come you would expect to have a relationship with him. I mean if he is bisexual at one point he would like to have sex with men. Would you feel comfortable with that fact?

And if he loves you he loves you as a friend and I am sure he does. No doubt. Fine but as a friend only.

Yes he probably is taking a cover behind you.

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2007):

hello1 agony auntPeronally I don't believe men can be bisexual, so him saying that is a warning flag. The gay sites you found and him not wanting to have sex with you, its pretty obvious isn't it! your his beard! his cover girl. Get outta there

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A male reader, harshbutfair United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2007):

harshbutfair agony auntYou call him your boyfriend but you've never been physical? Not so much as a kiss? You've never made love, done the nasty, consumated this relationship?

Something is seriously wrong here. From what you say, he is probably gay. But you need to look at what you class a relationship. You're nothing more than friends at the moment, I'm afraid.

Move out, right away and find yourself a lover.

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