A
female
age
26-29,
*ueenbee21
writes:I am 27. My husband and I started dating when I was 20. I loved him very much and he was my very best friend. He passed away a little over a month ago at age 28. He was very sick. I waited on him hand and foot and did everything to try to make him better. We went to the best Drs in the world and nothing worked. I miss him very much and I'd give everything I own just to talk to him, kiss him, hug him one more time. However, I've found that I am now (never was before) attracted to 2 people. His best friend and one of my friends boyfriend. His best friend and my husband were so similar and both have/had hearts of gold so I guess I can understand that attraction. But my friends boyfriend I can't understand. They haven't been dating long and she treats him like crap...I don't get it.I feel guilty for having these feelings. I've even felt tempted to tell my friends bf all the rotten crap she pulls. She cheats on him and tells everyone the thought of having sex with him grosses her out (he's very cute though...)Then when my hubbys friend announced he was getting married I was jealous and kepting thinking...i'm prettier than her. This isn't who I am. I'm a nice person....my brain is broken...any thoughts?
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (15 October 2009):
 My condolences to you for the loss of your husband.
I think what your experiencing is very normal with many women/men that are still in the grieving process, your yearning for his loss and his love, his touch, his smell, his clothes etc: and when we have all these emotions running through our head coupled with the heartache your obviously experiencing it is no wonder your head is mixed up, your still very raw emotionally and i think in time these feelings will pass.
Try and not get involved in other people's relationships whilst your still grieving i think to do that would make you feel worse not better.
You need to concentrate on being around close friends and family for now till your feeling your old self again, which could take a while so keep busy do all the things that will take you from these thoughts your having and turn them around.
You need to feel loved again but i feel for now that is too soon, you take care.
Gina
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Fem anon. You can't look at this women outside of her frame of reference of being consumed with grief. This is the most complicated thinking process known to man. Every one responds a bit differently. She doesn't want to date these guys. Maybe her impulse tells her to. These are thought processes that can't be controlled by will power. She admits to knowing they are foreign to her, and that she doesn't understand them. People think what they think when they get subjected to enormous pressure and stress. Some get focused some get bent into strange shape. She doesn't recognize her self. I don't want to be harsh on you,but until you have been subjected to this kind of grief, work on a little compassion. On death, dying, and grief, never judge a book by it's cover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): Hi
I agree with q1605. Keep yourself busy, this will soon pass.
Love :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): It's just been a month since you lost a part of your heart. Someone important in your life is now gone. You are still grieving. I find it to be highly unlikely you are thinking clear and have sincere feelings/attractions for any of these men. You are subconsciously looking for someone/something to fill that void in your heart, grabbing the first and best you see. It's okay, it can help you cope and get through the day. Finding something to obsess about can help in small portions, hehe. Im sorry that I think it's funny, of course it's not funny to you. But everyone one who looses someone precious to them can tell you similar stories.
Just know in the depths of your heart that these feelings are untrue, just a temporary fixation. They can help you cope. But don't act out on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): you don't love your husband at all.He only passed away for a month and you want to choose bf now.What kind of woman that you are,I don't meaing to never date , but its just amonth.. are you sick and crazy...people dating another guys when time passed like one to two year. not like you. You will never be find someone like your husband.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (15 October 2009):
I think if you knew how common this was, you would give yourself a big break from the beating you are giving yourself. I can count at least four couples that are together now that formed after the death of a spouse of one of the two in the relationship. It is not unhealthy to feel this attraction. Give yourself a little time. After only a month you haven't worked through this enough to know how you feel about much of anything.
Usually you see a best friend and the surviving spouse lean on each other. Each one becomes a surrogate for the dying person. They fill the void created as the illness progresses.
In your case it seems more one sided. The friend went on to marry and you may feel like you are dealing with two losses. The death of your husband, and the loss of a relationship with your touchstone. The person that helped you make it through this.
Your friend has a good guy. You want her to show him the affection and appreciation you did in your relationship with your husband. It is not unusual to project these feelings on to her relationship with him. You have lost the outlet for your own emotions and wish she could see what she has before she blows it with this guy. You see it as not fair. She has somebody and doesn't treat him right. You want your husband but he is gone.
These thoughts. Convoluted and illogical... are normal. Other than knowing that, you will have to persevere. There are many support groups for survivors of just about any loss imaginable. Find one and check it out. Get around people who have been through what you are experiencing and they will love you and set you straight.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  + ♥, writes (15 October 2009):
 Sorry to hear about your husband. I think you're still mourning the loss and these 'feelings' you have for the other men are not genuine. You've just experienced a huge loss and you're subsconsciously trying to make yourself feel better. You seem to understand your attraction to the best-friend. I think you're attracted to the other guy because you feel that he needs to be cared for. His girlfriend doesn't treat him right and you probably have this need to take care of the guy, like you took care of your husband.
Don't feel guilty for your feelings. Don't bottle them up and don't deny them. What you do about them is the more important thing. I know that you won't tell these guys how you feel but if you're ever tempted to do that, take a step back and realize that these feelings are not genuine and will not last. Your mind is just trying to deal with the loss and the first thing we do when we lose someone or something is to find something/someone else so that we can feel better instantly. We don't do this on purpose and that's maybe why you're confused. You are right, this is not you.
You've known your husband for a long time and have spent the hardest part of his life with him, of course you're feeling like this. What you need to do is realize that it's ok to feel all of this but that you shouldn't act upon it. I think you'd benefit from talking to someone, just to get things out of your system. The mourning process will take time and you will feel many different things along the way. I think you need to give yourself time to mourn the loss of your husband.
I wish you all the best :)
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A
male
reader, passion1123  +, writes (15 October 2009):
Well I would say go with the flow.Why do u need to stay alone when your "brain" is ready to move on.
Is "I was alone for such and such years after my husband and in the process I set a world record of loneliness"..kind of crap needs to be religiously followed??
All you have to take care U have to take care that U r not giving any impression that u r a frustated woman unable to handle loneliness.Thats it and thats all.
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A
female
reader, jessd1989 +, writes (15 October 2009):
Im so sorry to hear about your lost..You are very vulnerable at this time and there is no reason to feel ashamed about your feelings..You are finding common area's in men that remind you of your husband..You should step back on those feelings though..You should grieve and go to counseling because talking to someone may help you find out more reasons about these feelings..I hope the best for you..
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