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Break up because of no sex?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 June 2009) 23 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2009)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

If your girlfriend doesn't have sex with you is it a valid reason to break up with her after you have tried communication?

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A male reader, tapdancingtom United States +, writes (10 November 2009):

I can't believe there are women who believe their men wouldn't stray while not having sex with them at the same time! What you need to do really is find a woman whose sex drive is more compatible with yours. Breaking is ABSOLUTELY a valid reason for breaking up. You'll end up hurting her more by cheating. The women who are accusing you of not loving her obviously have no idea how a penis works!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

It depends. Once sex comes into play, the relationship changes.

Like others have said, you have to take things into consideration: length of relationship so far; how serious/exclusive relationship is; how have you asked/communicated with her about it; what her responses were.

If she is NOT a virgin: perhaps a past relationship where sex was involved turned out negative, making her think she should wait longer to have sex. Maybe she does want to have sex with you but is scared that this current relationship will turn sour like her past one after sex.

If you truly care about her, let her know that clearly. If you both are in an exclusive relationship, you both should be able to communicate and ask questions. Tell her that you want to know if something is bothering her about sex and let her know that you can't understand what she's going through if she can't explain it to you. If she won't explain, you can only make assumptions and it's not your fault if you make the wrong ones. Just try a little more patience and explain about the communication.

I hope things work out for you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009):

Why do women confuse their own biological make-up with that of a man's. God forbid that there are differences to being a man than to being a woman!

For men love and sex come together in the same package, women can seperate the sex from love but for men the sex is really essential. Especiall to be considered is that men do have a higher sex drive than woman (which women tend to brush aside).

It's double standards to expect men every time to respect and understand the female nature and then totally ignore and disregard the nature of the male.

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A female reader, cinnaluna United States +, writes (12 June 2009):

If you loved her, sex wouldnt matter. A guy shouldnt break up with his girlfriend because she doesnt want to have sex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009):

Yes! Of course it is a valid reason!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009):

No way....

If I guy loves a girl sex won't matter.

My boyfriend waited for me now we have sex multiple times a day and were both glad we waited.

My ex dumped me cause I wouldn't have sex with him. It hurt sooo much. If u break up/or consider breaking up with someone cause of no sex, that's clearly all you wanted from her, making u a user.

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A male reader, dddddddd Australia +, writes (12 June 2009):

Since most of us like equality these days would all of those who said NO have given the same answer if it was a woman saying her boyfriend wouldn't have sex or talk about it??? I bet not. There would be a flurry of answers that he is probably gay, doesn't care or isn't interested and she should move on.

So why should the answer be any different? If he can't get her to talk about what hope is there? She obviously doesn't want sex and doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think it is unreasonable to call it a day over that. If you can't discuss a problem the chances of it getting resolved are very slim.

Part of the reason people get together is usually out of attraction and sex. If that doesn't exist then there isn't really much of a relationship anyway.

One person said that if you love her you should respect her reasons -- but you don't know her reasons to be able to respect them as she won't talk about it. This is double barrelled - it isn't just that she won't have sex, it's that she also won't talk about it.

All you can do is talk to her and explain that you need to know WHY she doesn't want to have sex. If she won't say then you should break up with her not because she won't have sex but because she won't talk to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009):

Have the two of you ever had sex? Has she ever had sex? These two totally change the answer to this question. If you two have never done it, breaking up with her is NOT a good reason. If she has NEVER had sex breaking up with her is an EVEN WORSE reason. If the two of you have in the past but not anymore, its totally acceptable.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009):

It is a valid reason if both partners are on opposite sides in their thinking. Sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. If both people want sex on the first date then that is fine. If both people want to wait for sex until marriage then that is fine too. However, if there is a great difference in how sex is thought about after several months of dating then it is a sign that there will be great differences after marriage. If this happens then it is a recipe for failure or at least unhappiness in the marriage.

I have read many questions on this board and on other boards where both men and women are distressed because they have a high sexual desire and their partner doesn't. It is common for the person who is being denied to suffer rejection and a feeling of not being loved, while the partner who doesn't want sex to feel that the other person is a sex addict and being unreasonable. Why the hell should people like this stay together, just to possibly have a miserable marriage.

The people who say that sex is not important in a relationship are generally either those not wanting sex or are satisfied with the sex they are getting. Those who say it is important are those who have a partner who doesn't like sex. The fact is that it is important to a relationship, especially if there is a great difference in desire. Both people are stressed, especially the one being sexually rejected.

And just because a woman wants sex does not mean that she is a slut. Women want sex for the same reason that some men want sex. They want the closeness and intimacy of sex. It is even better if they like sex. That does not make him or her a slut.

People have to learn to communicate and come to a resolution on any problem between them. If the difference in sex thinking is a small thing in the entire relationship then it should be ignored to some extent, at least for a while. If it is very important to one of the partners and a significant thing in the relationship then perhaps a break-up is in order. And it would be for the benefit of both people, not just the woman in this case. Perhaps she will find someone better, but perhaps not. And there is just as much a chance that he will find someone better. To think that it only goes one way is hypocrisy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009):

Breaking up with your girlfriend because of the lack of sex has to be the worst break-up reasons in the book. I've been in a relationship for 2 years and my boyfriend and I haven't had sex so trust me, you don't need it. Not having sex is also a great way of knowing somebody and what they want in a relationship. If you can't stand not having sex then you obviously don't love your girlfriend enough to wait or you aren't ready for a real relationship that consists of love, not lust. I suggest you just wait a while for her or talk to her and tell her your points and see if she changes her mind, if she doesnt well then I hope you respect her decision.

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A female reader, RJayy16 United Kingdom +, writes (12 June 2009):

NO that definately is not a "Valid" reason to break up with your girlfriend if you care about her you should wait until she is ready and if all you want is sex, maybe you should find some slutty girl :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

If she wants to stay pure or if she wants abstinence for moral, christian or health reasons, including depression and STD'S or a possible unwanted pregnancy it's wrong to dump her because you are thinking only about yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

What do you want a sexual relationship or a long term relationship? How long have you been dating? Have you moved through the other 6 stages of intimacy first instead of jumping to number 7, sexual intimacy?

Perhaps she is looking for a serious intimate relationship and senses that you are not so therefore she will not jump ahead in the relationship to sex.

Perhaps she is waiting until marriage. For what ever reason she is not ready and wants to wait.

If you don't care about her and love her or want to wait for her to be ready then clearly you need to break up with her to let her find herself a man who is better suited to her.

And then if all you are after is sex, clearly you can find that at your local tavern in a one night stand.

Some things and some people are worth waiting for, the decision is yours to make.

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A male reader, mytwocents United States +, writes (11 June 2009):

mytwocents agony auntI like GinsengMeow’s view on this (even though I don’t know any of the fictional examples he’s cited outside of Rick-Minmei).

I don’t know what qualifies as a “valid reason” for you. But if it were me, she’d have to have a very compelling (and temporary) reason for not having sex with me. I need sex in my life and consider it a central part of my intimate relationships. I don't strictly mean in a sexual way either. Physical intimacy and closeness are things that are supremely important to me.

If you can’t see eye-to-eye on this, it might be best to respectfully and kindly move on before frustration and meanness set in. I made this choice with a girl a couple of years ago who had chosen to remain a virgin. I broke it off with a calm, respectful conversation, and we both walked away understanding and respecting each others' views. We remain friends to this day. And she remains a virgin.

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A female reader, bobbles32 Canada +, writes (11 June 2009):

bobbles32 agony auntHave you had sex with her before? is she withholding it for some reason? is shse waiting for marriage? is she going through something? She's got to have a reason and that matters more than the fact that she won't have sex with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

If you love someone, then sex should not be a dealbreaker. If you love someone, then you can understand their reasons and support them and not try to force them into something.

There are plenty of other sexual activities you can do.

If you claim to love her but are contemplating breaking up with her because of his, then you do need to break up with her because that is not very nice and she does deserve that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

Sex is a part of an intimate relationship, just as much as an intellectual one, similar interest one and spiritual one.

Too many people view sex as a trivial thing, when sex is a big intertwining part of a healthy intimate relationship. Sex may not be important to a couple if the couple do not have a sex drive, but sex is important to an individual if he or she does have a sex drive.

Sex as with all other aspects of an intimate relationship is a form of communication. Just because Rick, Nakamura and Julie may have no sex drive, it does not mean Minmei, Ranka and Li doesn't have a sex drive. It all comes down to intimate compatibility.

If there is no sex in a relationship and at least one person need it, then it is grounds for a break-up if all communication has been exhausted and no further action has been taken to try to resolve the issue.

Mind you, this factor is dependent on your connection with your girlfriend: foundation and time.

Everything, all aspects of connections and compatibility is relative to the individuals and cannot be applied universally to everyone.

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A female reader, bobbles32 Canada +, writes (11 June 2009):

bobbles32 agony auntNope

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A female reader, nancyhasglasses United States +, writes (11 June 2009):

It depends on her reasoning. If she's doing it to string you along, then yes, break up withher. If she has a valid reason (even if you don't agree with it) and you enjoy all other facets of the relationship, then no, you shouldn't break up with her. There might be an underlying issue that requires counseling.

Also, you need to evaluate why you are with her to begin with. If sex is more important to you than just spending time with her, maybe she's not the girl for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

No but here's one:

A man asking this question (maybe it's for you maybe not) needs to break up with his gf because he is wasting her time, as she can do better.

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A female reader, ohhellNo United States +, writes (11 June 2009):

if you guys ant live off communication there is no relationship anyway sex isnt going to help... but yes you two should break up

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A female reader, Smellyellie United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2009):

Smellyellie agony auntNot all the time. How long have you been going out for and is there any trust issues between you?? You haven't really given me any detail but from what you have said I would say that it is you throwing your dummy out if the pram because you are not getting any action. Trying talking to her again and try hareder it may help!!

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A female reader, kellyxxx United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2009):

kellyxxx agony auntNo!

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