A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm confused.My boyfriend of 7 months has been away for 2 months for work. He doesn't call me every day despite the fact that I've made it clear I would like him to. However, he DOES pick up his phone no matter what time I call. (i just don't want to be the initiator all the time)About two week ago, we had a fight about him not calling and he said he doesn't want to call if he's in a bad mood, or if he thinks I'm going to be mad (because he hasn't called).So, we agreed to a truce for the next month that he is away - that I wouldn't be mad about his poor calling habits. (he said he's very stressed with work and in fairness, is traveling to a different city almost every other day).Last week, there was a two day period, where he left me a voicemail and sent me a text and I didn't answer for 12 hours because I was busy with work. He started to get upset and text me to find out if I was okay. (so he knows how it feels to be left wondering)I should also point out that there are times when he doesn't call that I know he's NOT busy. He's on Facebook (i can see he's logged on). He also routinely comments on other people's photos and comments on his wall but NEVER mine. Even if I write on his wall - he NEVER answers it but will answer other women who write on his wall.So what do you make all this? He claims to love me and says he's just not that affectionate. Is he just wrapped up in himself - or he's just not that into me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell - I got to the point where I don't care. He skipped three days and then called Monday. I let it go to voicemail, he then text and called for the next 2 days (until tonight).
Finally, I returned his call and he was all worried. Wondering if I had met someone else, etc. I told him no, but I'm disappointed and I'm going to just take a step back and not give so much of myself.
He apologized again and told me he thinks of me often and wants to just be with me when he gets back. He sounds so sincere - but still there is a disconnect between what he says and what he's doing. :(
Thoughts?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last poster - I like your advice and I know it's true - but it just makes me sad to have to play dumb games at my age. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): As I've gotten older, I've realized that with me, you MUST act like you don't care, esp early in the relationship. It sounds like you guys are still navagating the personal space, commitment, maybe letting your guard down, etc. Don't call him. When he finally calls, pretend you don't want to kill him and say honey I just prefer you relax and enjoy some quiet time..besides, I had sooo much to do. If you act like a bitch, thenn he'll know you didn't call because he got to you and you're angry. Act like its not getting to you is key! Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt muso ... He is 5 years younger than me and has only been in the U-S for 2 years.
He did tell me that all his exs accused him of being selfish and he told me his reponse was "well Thats who I am. I shouldn't have to change for anyone".
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (17 July 2011):
 Uh, wow. You need to relax, seriously. You're making a small issue into a really big deal, and are even getting a bit spiteful about it, which is in turn making him walk on eggshells around you. You seem to be taking it as a personal insult, when it's really not. He obviously cares for you, but it's a bit ridiculous to hound someone to call you every day or get upset because he doesn't always call you first, especially considering how busy you say he's been lately. Part of it is probably that he knows you'll call at some point, anyway. I've been on his side of this situation in the past, and in all honesty, the most surefire way to make someone not want to do something is to repeatedly demand they do it. Relax, give him some space. He'll be more likely to call if he feels at ease about it, rather than dreading getting into a fight with you.
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A
female
reader, muso888  +, writes (17 July 2011):
Could be a bit of both, really. That or he's just not ready to give you his personal space - which is how he may view this problem: as becoming a more serious commitment. I had this problem with my ex, and it did eventually go away but only after i stopped caring! As this guy is probably - I assume - the same sort of age as you it's likely that he's now very set in his ways. As my mother would say you can't teach an old(er) tricks! Give him some time and see if this changes. If it doesn't, he may never be willing to move the relationship forward the way you want.
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