A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a guy who has been struggling to become employed for about half a year now. I work almost full time hours and have a car. We both currently live with our parents but would like to gain our independence soon. At the moment, when we go out, he pays for his food and drinks, and doesn't offer me anything. When we go out in my car, he doesn't contribute towards petrol costs at all. I understand that finding a job isn't easy at the moment, but his previous history doesn't give me much confidence about the future. I have spoken to him about it on numerous occasions but he says he 'can do nothing more than his best'. I feel bad for bringing it up but am just being open about my frustrations that he cannot share the jobs and doesn't offer to pay for me when we go out. How should I deal with his situation - should I be patient with it all and be as supportive as possible instead,or dump him? I am very confused, please help! Thankyou.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): If he is claiming benefits he will have an income of around £65 per week, so it doesn't really go far - IF he gets this much
You live at home too which is cheaper,work full-time and can afford to run a car. If he was working and you weren't would he pay for you I wonder?
The thing is nowadays there are alot of people in this situation and jobseeking is soul destroying, so I guess its how he behaves in other ways towards you,what he brings to the relationship.My sons just found work after a year and is on a great salary, his girlfriend stuck it out, and he spoils her rotten now,they were in it together
If you feel his work history and current lack of income are going to be a problem for the future then gently finish this relationship.If you want to go out and have fun with your wages then he can't keep up just now, so it would be kinder on him to part rather than be resented.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): Adjust your activities together to meet his budget. DO more free things together. If you did not have a bf ,would you still be driving around? If you are going OUT of your way to meet his needs that he can not meet himself-point that out to him that your bugdet can not stretch that far.
Have patience if he is giving sincere effort to his job search. If he is waiting passively for his big moment to arrive, it IS fortelling about what kind of spouse he would be if you the two of you fell on hard times.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 Sounds like he can't really afford a relationship now.
In this economic climate, half a year is usual for job seekers. I'd cut him slack if he was really actively looking for a job. If he's really job searching, I'd say support him.
However, you made mention of a "previous history". If he's acting unmotivated to find a job, or he's engaging in destructive behaviors (i.e. out drinking a lot with buddies, doing drugs or spending 16 hours per day playing video games), then I'd take a lot of issue with his lack of any drive, ambition, and his assumption that you would pay for everything.
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 I would say try to be sensitive. At this point he is still able to pay for his own food, that's pretty good because you aren't the one paying for both meals. Honestly he being a man is well aware of what he needs to be doing and I doubt that he is satisfied with his current situation. You have to be careful with how you discuss the issue with him because you want to RELATE to him, not LECTURE him. It's hard for everyone and I don't believe a reminder from you will some how inspire him. It will only create distance between you two.If you feel that you no longer love him, or no longer feel anything for him them let him go gently. But if it is just the stress of financial issues and self confidence hanging in both of your minds then take time away from each other until both of you regain confidence with the way things are now. And the next time you two come together for some bonding make sure it's a stress free environment that doesn't require money(i.e picnic in the park, visiting a free museum).
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (25 October 2011):
 Oy! Another person reading my mind. Thanks for both the question & answer as I'm stuck in a similar situation. I'd have to agree (which makes me question where I am) that if he 'gives' of himself in other ways then it might be worth sucking it out & being supportive. But if he's not invested in the relationship in other, nonfinancial ways then it's time to leave. I'd hate to think I was being used for $$$ & whatever else he gets from me in the relationship. Knowing your age, cut your losses & run if he's using you & unwilling to do anything else. A loving relationship is more than just the occasional warm-fuzzier you share. His actions will prove where he stands.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (25 October 2011):
 I was with a man for 14 years who rarely worked, took and took from me - his money was always his money - he paid for nothing, he expected me to pay for everything - it was extremely hard, frustrating and even when he left he still wanted anything he possibly could. I wish I'd cottoned on to the fact he was one if life's users a long time before.My current BF earns a great deal less than me, when he doesn't have much money he is honest - he hates going out if he can't pay, e en though I'm more than happy to. Whenever we go anywhere and he has money he refuses to let me pay - in return I cook him nice meals at my house, I pay for all the ingredients and it evens it all out.So if your OH is doing other things for you it puts a different spin on things, but I would not move in with him until you know he can assist with the bills, because you could end up paying for everything.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2011):
 does he have any income?
in every way but financially is he all that and more? or are there other things about him that are upsetting too?
Let me say that while I don't judge people who make less than I do I do find that folks who are tight with their money are tight with other things often...
Clearly it's bothering you enough that you need to ask about it... so I'll be honest... IF I was with a man who contributed NOTHING fiscally to our relatioship, instead depending on me to cover our expenses and not sharing with me, I'd rethink the relationship..
my current bf makes about 25k less than I do and yet he's was overly generous with his money with me... now we are moving in together and all our income is combined and no longer his and mine.. but had he not been forthright and open about his finances I am not sure we would have progressed to this stage.
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