A
female
age
36-40,
*milybear
writes:Hi,I really need some advice.I've been dating my boyfriend for 7months were in a long distance relationship so I only see him fortnightly. At first things were great lots of fun and would tell me he misses me and was very loving, but I made the mistake of drunkingly telling I loved him and we argued a bit afterwards due to my own inserurity. He said he has feelings for me but doesn't love me but wants us to stay together.Since then I feel so sad, his definitely withdrawn from me and isn't as affectionate in his texts. We still talk sexually to one another and have future plans but what can I do to put things right. When I back off and not contact him he will initiate contact and tells me his feeling restless but I still feel things are not the same.I don't want to play games and act cool and like I don't care because that isn't me but I also don't want to come across as clingy either.I care for him deeply but how can we get back to how we was? Were both 29 years old and I'm his longest girlfriend, he said he thought he was in love with a girlfriend before but she cheated on him. I'm really sad and can't stop crying its like were split up. What can I do? Should I carry on as normal or should I completely back off and let him keep coming to me? I'm a very busy person with lots of friends but his occupying my mind so much I feel like I can't settle with this unease.I wish I never said them words its ruined what was beginning to blossom into a loving relationship now all I feel is sadness even tho our text messages are still friendly.Any advice would be greatly received.Thank you. X x x
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drunk, long distance, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): All the best Emily. I hope he finally sees what he has and what he stands to lose and this spurs him into taking the next step and actually moving this relationship forward. Before you talk to him have a think to yourself though. You'll be in a much better negotiating position if you know what he can do to create a sense of progression and actually start acting like a real boyfriend.
Letting you into his life, involving you more and showing a public commitment to you are all things I personally would want. You're having serious doubts because his behaviour is very suspect, don't let him sugar coat this or fob you off with words or promises for the future. The love thing is a huge stumbling block because anything less after 7 months to me is just not enough.
Good luck, I hope he doesn't but I have a feeling he's going to get very weird about this and stick to the "I don't want to fully commit but I don't want to lose you/I like what we have let's not spoil it" bullshit. It's time you lay out what you need from him and find out whether he can provide that.
If losing you is not enough of an incentive to step up to the plate and do what he needs to, to keep you, then you know what's up.
A
female
reader, Emilybear +, writes (29 June 2012):
Emilybear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cerberus,
I agree I've been thinking the same for a while. Even little things like I hate to say it but Facebook states his in a relationship but he ignored my request to say its with me and he hadn't even added a photo of me.
I have decided to talk about what the term girlfriend means cause when it suits him ie when I see my male friends in his girlfriend but I feel his not acting like a boyfriend should, even when I was discharged out of hospital he didn't offer to drive me 10mins further to my house and dropped me off at the train station.
It does hurt cause I've been the caring doting girlfriend and I feel used but I know I deserve better.
Many thanks x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): That's probably true Emily that it's not just sex, it's not much more though is it? I mean why then does he have one foot out of the door of this relationship? Why have you not gotten to know his friends after 7 months? Why does he not want you staying in his place? Why is it he only sees you when visiting family? Why does he freak out when you even hint at being in love?
I'm sorry for you, this can't feel like anything other than a break up because you're finally starting to see how little he thinks of your relationship. He's not in this in any serious way. He's not committed to you at all. I mean it's been 7 months and he's keeping his friends at distance from you, you're his dirty little secret. Has he ever said why that's the case? I mean a real reason and not some bullshit like it's not a good time, or they're not around, or he's busy at work etc. OP it's not a good thing that he's keeping a large part of his life separate from you is it?
A relationship is about sharing lives, a girlfriend is someone you want to show off to your friends, someone you want to take places with your friends and add to your circle.
Look something is very wrong here, this isn't the relationship you want it to be and it's going nowhere, after 7 months things are the same as they were at the start aren't they? He visits and takes you places when he feels like it but you're not really a part of his life and why doesn't he phone? Because he doesn't like it? I don't really like phonecalls but I will call my girlfriend because hearing my voice gives her comfort.
OP you need to have the talk and need to start taking a bit more control so that this relationship can become in part on your terms too, you need to ask him where you're going with this and whether he sees a future with you, if he says yes then ask him why he is keeping you so separate from his life, why is he keeping his friends at such a distance from you etc.
It might not just be about sex OP but it's very close to being that and I can say with certainty a guy who keeps you so distant from his friends is not a guy who sees a future with you, he's just not letting you in and he becomes cold and distant at the mention of seriousness, well it's time you had a serious sober discussion about what you want and whether he can give that to you. Are you really going to be happy with this situation staying the same for another 7 months? Because he'd be perfectly happy to have it stay this way and never fully commit, is that really what you want?
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A
female
reader, Emilybear +, writes (29 June 2012):
Emilybear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thank you for the replies.
I am feeling unappreciated but its just because I've received just mixed signals, I've met all his family several times whom his close with but not 1 friend, he texts me but as never rang me, he as invited me to his place of stay only once all the rest of the time I only see him when his in the area visiting family too. I feel its definitely more than someone to have sex with we've been on holiday and go out a lot visiting diffrent places but I feel I feel its been all on his terms. X x
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): But it wasn't blossoming into a loving relationship at all OP, it had stagnated to being mainly about chatting online and having sex every couple of weeks.
You then talk about it in terms of being something serious, with real feelings and he freaks out. What does that tell you?
He's not in this for a real relationship OP, just a casual hook up with a girl who's also fun to talk to. You drunkenly said I love you, how many times have you done that or had guy friends etc do that to you? It always happens doesn't it? and he freaks out?
All his future plan talk then is bullshit OP and if you seriously think that being with someone 7 months and not being able to say I love you without him flipping out is a relationship then you're mistaken.
Emilybear he doesn't love you and the idea of you loving him has made him distant and back off. Can you seriously not understand what that actually means?
Step outside of this situation for a minute and look at it logically, I'll say it again, he does not love you. So whatever notion you had that this was blossoming into a full blown loving relationship doesn't really make any sense does it?
Come on like, after 7 months and he says he still doesn't love you then what future can you really have with him. He's not serious about you but then again he doesn't want to lose you either for the sex and sexts.
You don't have a relationship with this guy, you're in limbo. He doesn't see you as a serious girlfriend, he doesn't love you and even the hint of seriousness or love and he backs right off and you argue?
You don't get how this works at all OP. You seem to think that saying you love him was a mistake, it wasn't because it actually lets you know where you stand and how he really feels about you. Saying that didn't ruin some beautiful thing that you had because you assumed you had more than you actually have with him, you assumed this was going somewhere but I'll say it again, he doesn't love you, so where can it possibly go?
How can you not feel sadness over that? How can you not be devastated to find out the guy who you thought you have a wonderful thing going on with doesn't actually see you that way and doesn't love you?
"I'm really sad and can't stop crying its like were split up."
Because it basically is a break up OP, because you've just found out he's not really in this relationship at all in the way you are or want it be.
Now I know through all this pain and sadness you're going to cling onto hope, you've been living in this hopeful dream for 7 months now and you're going to continue on hoping that things will eventually work out and even though after 7 months the idea of loving you scares him, you're going to keep hoping that eventually it will happen.
The guy not only sounds like a commitment-phobe but he doesn't sound like he is serious about you at all. It doesn't matter what happened with his ex, that's nothing to do with you and frankly how would that have any bearing on whether he loves you or not?
You need to do some serious soul searching OP, at 29 this guy is stringing you along with promises of the future and how great things will be, but he doesn't love you and even the mention of love makes him shudder and makes you argue. What about the now? The future is all well and good but you're not actually going anywhere are you? He's just not that into you unfortunately. He likes you only so much and if after 7 months there is no love then what you have is a fuck buddy.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (28 June 2012):
 Hi,
One of the first things that you need to realise is that your boyfriend had a bad experience before he met you. He probably still has a lot of unresolved issues where being betrayed by someone he loved was concerned. So in this relationship, he is taking things slow and steady. See how it goes and let nature take its course to blossom into something wonderful. It doesn't mean he is not going to love you or not going to have the same feelings for you. What it means is that he is moving at a slower pace than you are. You guys are long distance so that makes his fears of betryal etc a little worse as he is not seeing you that often.
My suggestion would the next time you see him....sober hopefully...sit with him and share with him your feelings. Tell him that since you told him you love him, that he seems distant and your relationship is changed somewhat. Let him know that your intention was not to rush him into anything and that you are sorry if you frightened him with your "I love you". Tell him you are frightened that you have just ruined what you have and that you guys will eventually split up.....and then listen.
I doubt that you've ruined things, but I do understand that it is a fear that you currently have. So tell him. And let him know you are willing to go at his pace to make this work out.
Communication is the only way for any relationship to work. Talking and hashing things out.
I hope all goes well
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