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Boyfriend constantly observes my eating habits and makes me feel bad about my weight!

Tagged as: Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 February 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 4 February 2010)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

hi I was looking for some advice. My Fiance and I have been together 10mths. He is a great guy. the problem is that I am a bigger girl and he is skinny and tall. he wants to help me lose weight and not have any health problems down the road, but he is constantly at me about it. he puts me down and makes me feel bad. he observes my eating habits, like he will say somethin like why are you eating that you are on a diet. but I am doing weight watchers so i can eat what i want and keep track with the points system. he don't understand. I just want him to love me for who I am. I shouldn't have to meet his expectations or change for him. I am confused and need some answers please thanks

View related questions: fiance, his ex, lose weight, puts me down

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A female reader, billy bilou Mauritius +, writes (4 February 2010):

billy bilou agony auntI agree with pinktopaz. Just as you do not fit his ideal maybe he does not fit your ideal too. If you told him to change certain aspect of his body to fit more what you prefer, how would he react? He is not perfect either.

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A male reader, james675 United Kingdom +, writes (4 February 2010):

I've had a similar problem (not regarding weight - my wife is a tiny size 4) and it's just a big difference in how men and women see things.

At the start of my marriage my wife would come to me with a problem. I would listen intently and because I wanted to show her how I cared I went out of my way to solve the problem for her.

Now that's all well and good but the thing was (and this took me years to learn) my wife didn't want me to fix the problem. She's a capable, independent woman and a force to be reckoned with and didn't need me to fix anything - she just wanted me to listen and offer support.

I can imagine that you might be in a similar situation. You've told your fiancé that you want to loose wait and he thinks he's helping you and 'fixing the problem' for you. He's not trying to be hurtful he's just doing the 'man' thing.

Now if you're really honest with yourself do you want him to fix you or do you want him to support you? Save yourself years of misunderstandings and just set him straight.

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (4 February 2010):

Wow, you've been with this guys for only 10 mos. and you're engaged to be married??? I'm guessing you didn't gain weight overnight and when he met you, you weren't a size 5. Look, if you're trying and doing what you can to lose weight, then that's what counts, also if you're doing it for yourself. But if he's judging you and making you feel bad about yourself then I really think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with this guy because if he's like this NOW, think about how bad he's going to be later on in life after you're married and after you have children. Just tell him what you told us and how it makes you feel. If he can't respect that then he needs to find someone that already fits his ideal because why should you bend over backwards and feel crappy about yourself for him?

Plus, how would he feel if you told him he needed to eat more and gain weight? Lucky for guys, guys want to be heavier and typically look better with some weight and muscle on them. Personally, I find a truly skinny guy to not be very appealing, so I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn't like it so much, and I know there are guys that have trouble gaining weight.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010):

Stand up for yourself. Talking it through could help resolve the problem. Arrange some time after dinner or in the mornings to go for a walk together, bike ride, or go work out. But if it is a long-term problem it may be time to leave - do you want to spend your life with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? While it is admirable that he wants to make sure you are healthy, he also needs to take a step back and lay off. Our loved ones should support and encourage us, not bring us down.

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