A
female
age
,
*ishmoreno
writes:My boyfriend of four years thinks that I have betrayed him with infidelity (cheated on him), I did not commit such a act, I'm innocent but he will not listen to the truth, he also wont express his reasons why he is so sure about his accusations. what can I do to show him he is so wrong and that his actions are causing a gap in our relationship??!!9
View related questions:
infidelity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tishmoreno +, writes (2 November 2013):
tishmoreno is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you al for the advice and different scenarios....He has realized that he can't play these head games with me as he did with his past X's. I'm a very strong wise person but can become putty in his hands when I feel that love and commitment becomes a more serious topic in our relationship. I'm a fool in love but only to a point. I confronted him and I expressed how serious I am about ending this relationship if he doesn't start being straight and honest with me. He knows he has a lot of explaining to do and a lot to prove if he wants to keep me as his girl freind!!!! It's not quite over but I'm flexing a lot of tough love his way!!!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 October 2013):
 OP, here is a cut and paste of my response to another woman in a similar situation.
*********
OP, this is not about trust. It's about power and control.
If your boyfriend truly believed you had or were cheating, he would have done whatever it is he has threatened to do (leave you, beat the other guy up...whatever). This 'lack of proof' is merely the excuse he uses to explain why he hasn't already done that.
Your boyfriend pretends to be the injured party so you will go that extra mile to make him feel good while expecting little to nothing in return. And as long as you comply with that the status quo won't change. He will never believe you as long as he benefits from pretending not to believe you.
So stop trying to convince him.
Instead, the next time he hurls an accusation, you remain calm and simply say 'If you truly believe that then we have no future.' Then let him figure out what that means. If he challenges you or asks about breaking up, keep your answer brief 'I don't want to break up, but I'm done trying to convince you.'
Calm, matter of fact and BRIEF should be your approach.
*********
As you can see your boyfriend is using a very old trick to manipulate you into giving him all of the power and control.
OP, your boyfriend won't tell you the reasons he suspects you because he hasn't got any. And he can't admit that without also admitting that he doesn't really believe you've cheated. Once he does, his free ride is over and the relationship will no longer be one of give and take...that is you giving and him taking.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Why should YOU bother trying to convince HIM that you have been faithful????????
This is a classic "guy" ploy, wherein there are two motives.
One, is that WE (the guy) have been unfaithful... and want to get, and keep, YOU off-balance until and unless we decide if we want to dump you for the little tart that we (just) got to put out for us....
The other is that we are CONSIDERING to see if some hot little tart will put out for us (we have reason to believe she will).... and we need to throw an upset in to OUR (your's and his) "relationship" so that he can "legitimately" have some time away from you to test if he really IS going to get a little from the tart who he has his eye on.
Neither of what he hopes to accomplish is in YOUR best interest.... and the smartest thing YOU can do is say to him: "Hunchy-bunchy, I know that you want to believe that I have been unfaithful to you.... HOWEVER, I know have it on good authority (me!) that YOU are playing with my head so's that YOU can have a fling with a little hottie who has caught your eye. So... to help you along on this matter, I am dumping YOU ... forever.... and you can go copulate with whomever you wish... I want a real, understandable boyfriend who I can trust.... and YOU ain't him!!!!"
Simply, no?
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): "what can I do to show him he is so wrong and that his actions are causing a gap in our relationship??!!"
Nothing.
You can defend yourself from now until doomsday and he won't listen. He accusing you of infidelity not because he doesn't trust you but instead as a means to exercise control over you so you will be accountable to him for every move you make.
Also controlling boyfriends who constantly accuse their girlfriends of cheating are usually cheating themselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 No-one in their right mind accuses their partner of infidelity without expressing a reason why! Something’s not right here and perhaps he’s looking for a way-out by way of starting ‘a gap’ in your relationship?
He’s either got something to confess about himself or the lack of happiness in the relationship!?
Is he the type of man who thinks when you talk to another man its infidelity? If not, you sit him down and show him by telling him you won’t tolerate these blatant false accusations without good reason.
He’s best to cough up the truth as to what’s affecting him.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 You can't.
I would be so angry if I was accused of something I hadn't done.
You should demand he explain himself and tell you why he's so convinced that you've cheated and that you're lying about it!
I can only assume someone has spread vicious lies about you, or he's been snooping through your texts and emails and got the wrong idea.
You've told him you're innocent but he doesn't want to believe you.
You have done nothing wrong but he has trust and jealousy issues and is being very disrespectful to you.
There's nothing wrong with asking your partner if they've been unfaithful if you have any evidence to support that, but it's not ok to accuse someone, provide no evidence then tell them their lying when they refute the accusation!
Your boyfriend has NO evidence because you haven't been unfaithful. He's jealous, paranoid and being downright unfair.
If he can't back it up, believe you and apologise then I would rethink this relationship if I were you.
I hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2013):
 There isn't really anything you can do. It is however, not uncommon for cheaters to accuse their partners of cheating, because they KNOW what THEY did and being on an offense is the best defense.
Have you asked him point blank why he would THINK you would ever do such a thing?
Sadly though, you could wear a chastity-belt and be locked up and if he has gotten it in his mind that you cheated, nothing will change his mind.
Why do you need to prove anything to him? He just tossed it out there without backing anything up and expect you to build this whole defense case of your morals?
...............................
|
