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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hiya Agony Aunts and Uncles, I have a query for you experienced folks, beyond your teen years. I'm turning sixteen in a matter of days, and my boyfriend will turn seventeen in less than a month, we've been dating for sixth months, but we fell for each other last summer, but due to location, massive amounts of shyness and wrong timing, we didn't talk about a relationship until the beginning of this summer. We spent nearly every day together as we had the summer before because both of us are swimmers, and the pool was a good place to meet up, we started going on dates before June ended and we've been going steady ever since. He's a great, sweet, funny, respectful guy. He told me awhile ago that I set the boundaries, but we seem to have taken huge leaps in a short amount of time, at least it seems short to me, we kissed in July and made out for the first time before the month was over, and over Thanksgiving we made it to second base, which not only has me scared out of my mind, but made us realize we need to talk about these boundaries so we know where each other stands. We've both agreed sex is out of the question and should not even be considered until we're adults, I've seen far too many accidents to risk being a pregnant teen, and that anything basically beyond where we are now, is going too far. I know we could slow down, he even asked me to, but the thing is now that we're here whatever stage this is in our relationship, I don't want to go back, nor do I think I can. Now I know that these boundaries will shift with time if our relationship lasts, but when is it ok to? We're both virgins, we'd only ever kissed in previous relationships, but we realize that we click really well and we've lasted sometime and have the potential to last longer. I love him, and I believe I am not some deluded teen on supercharged hormones saying that, its different with him than it was with my previous boyfriends, he's like a best friend and a boyfriend rolled into one, we talk about crazy things like I do with my girls that I didn't think any one else but them could understand, and true its still different than sharing a secret with my best friend, it just is somehow, but its really similar, and it's also somehow more. I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but it just is the physical chemistry and attraction is all there, and we click really well eighty nine percent of the time, except that he has a temper and I worry/overreact, we haven't argued seriously yet but I realize it is bound to happen if our relationship lasts, and I've even told him this, he says he believes we can make it through the tough times. My next problem comes with the fact that while we're both dreamers, he's dreaming up a future and talking about it makes us both uncomfortable, I've dreamed it up to, but I realize the chances are not great and I don't want to put too much hope into something that is not going to happen. The reason I mention this is that everything that is beyond where we are now, we've said to wait till we're older. Do you have any advice on waiting? When is it ok to shift boundaries sexually? I realize that in my state we're both of age to have sex, neither of us want to now though, or rather, we both acknowledge we shouldn't, we also acknowledged how disrespectful it is for a guy to grope a girl, and here we are at second base, three months later. I'm not sure how to clarify that this next boundary is one I do not feel comfortable crossing and do not want to when I'm thinking, but I will also acknowledge that when we are making out and I am not thinking my hormones scream "to hell with the boundaries" and we end up pulling away and calming down. I'm scared that one day we won't pull away and it'll be before we're ready, I also am not particularly fond of the idea of planning out a whole future, but yet I know I've imagined in during my daydreams so why is it that when he acknowledges it and admits he thought up plans that I panic and get queezy, particularly when marriage and children are mentioned, he says he got queezy too, so it seemed better to just drop the subject of the future, but it's coming at us fast, how do we face it without looking too far ahead?Is it normal that we talk about these things, our relationship not only the emotional but physical and mental aspects of it as well, or where we could but not necessarily will be ten years from now?I also have a bit of a poll for you, are there any high school flames out there that made it to marriage(or rather a lasting marriage)? How did you handle boundaries, age, and raging hormones? Any and all advice is appreciated.Please and thanks!
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best friend, both virgins, last longer, second base, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, laurajayncoco  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 You seem like a sencible girl am sure you will make the rightt decision and am not married but I am engadeged to my childhood sweetheart can't ssay 2 much as am not even sure what second base is ha x
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 1) talking about the future: I think you two are projecting too much. 6 months is a long time for a high school relationship and you two care about each other, but I think what you need to do is just take things one step at a time. Don't think about your white picket fence and 2.5 children. There's nothing wrong with dreaming but when it's just inducing anxiety, as opposed to enjoying each other, it undermines the reason you want to be together, then you're overthinking things. still, the next big hurdle you two have is college. you two should sit down, think about where you two want to be after high school, not at age 30 or 50, just where you all might want to go to school. you have to consider your own values and goals, and consider whether you could live in the same area as him and not be resentful if it doesn't work out.
2) sex and boundaries: maybe this is oversimplified, but when you're ready you're ready. Right now, you aren't, and that's allowed: boundaries have a purpose and it's good to have boundaries, but you shouldn't tie them up to any moral failures if you cross lines. Just enjoy yourself and express your love to your guy as you see appropriate. I never had the hormone issue [didn't have a guy in HS] but you/bf should carry protection just in case one day you do get caught up in the moment. I think that part of the reason these girls keep ending up in these situations is they get carried away and then totally throw the idea of protection out the window; since you've noted that sometimes you feel you get carried away, you should at least be prepared if you spontaneously choose sex.
and just a reminder, you said you don't want to revert to less physical contact, but you are perfectly able to do that, and if one day you don't want to go as far as you had the day before, that choice should be respected. it's a disorienting time, trying to explore but not feeling like you've disrespected yourself. I think that as your relationship grows, as you gain more trust and comfort around him, at some point the two of you will both feel it's time to take the relationship to the next level. Call me a traditional person, but that decision should be made by you and there should be little to no pressure to do anything beyond your interest or values/boundaries. you should be taking the lead on the sex front (in terms of deciding when it should happen) because boys are basically ready whenever, it's not as wrapped up in male identities as it is with women (who are either virgins or sluts, people would have us believe ). hope that helps, try not to overanalyze your relationship and enjoy it for the here and now a little more!
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