A
male
age
,
*loke44
writes:Hi, I have been single for a couple of years and meeting women on dating sites. Ultimately have been looking for a serious relationship. 6 weeks ago met a wonderful woman and we really hit it off and feel we are in love. We are going as slowly as we can but after the first 2 weeks we had to split because she has relationship issues that were freaking her out. I was contacted by another woman so we decided to meet the following week. We really hit it off as well!! My first girlfriend came to see me and we felt we could overcome the issues so we decided to give it a try. In the meantime my feelings deepened for the second girl and now i feel in a jam. Both are lovely in so many of the ways I hope for in a serious relationship. Both are in love with me (quick I know). I haven't a clue how to proceed and respect both too much to play a game with them. I have tried weighing up merits and so on but both are wonderful in so many ways.What should I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Well there you go, sounds like you have been able to come to a decision and I'm glad if I helped in any way. If I were you, given these torn circumstances, I wouldn't rush into matrimony with either of them. Start seeing #1 exclusively and let the relationship build into the possibility of marriage if it's meant to be. This will give you time to see any twists and turns as the plot unfolds, and thus bail out if she turns out to be more unstable than previously thought. Perhaps you can at least part on good terms with #2. You may need her someday. I know alot about this situation firsthand. The man I am seeing now, was involved with a #1 type. She turned out to be bi-polar. He met her during one of her "up phases" that bi-polar people sometimes have - and while he recognized she was a little temperamental, he had no idea that she was going to be completely psyscho later. (That's not to say your #1 will be anything like that of course)...but also he was attracted to her pain and problems and thought he could "save" her. Love is blind. He fell fast and he fell hard and she almost ruined his life both financially and emotionally. I was not in his life during this nightmare, but met him 2 years afterwards and there was still clean up to be done on his heart. I know he is grateful that I was there to pick up the pieces and help him feel love again, but it's been an upward battle for me (he still loves her to this day) and I still worry that he will eventually meet another woman who reminds him of #1 and it'll be a problem for our relationship. I hope yours has a much better outcome. Good luck!
A
male
reader, bloke44 +, writes (19 June 2007):
bloke44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks sweet thing! You are very right that my thoughts lean toward #1. I am torn though toward the "safer" #2 - she's so straightforward! Yes, also I think her personality may fade for me as she has a simple outlook and experiences on life.... but then the adventure i would add to her life with experiences, lifestyle, travel etc may well be the making...? You are right I am attracted more toward #1 - to her pain and problems as well. I feel also that she is very able and in touch with herself and that gives me confidence. I am inclined to be a knight.... but am very aware of it so try to separate my thoughts.it also concerns me how easily they both have come to wish for marriage. Of course I do too but really want to make a wise as well as passionate choice. There are very strong feelings from and toward both and i find it hard to decipher!
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (19 June 2007):
Since you aren't feeling comfortable with juggling two women, you need to make a decision fairly soon. I wouldn't recommend this triangle anyhow because eventually they'll sniff each other out and the whole thing will blow up in your face and you'll lose both of them in the process. I sense that what's really going on here, is that you want #1 to be the answer and we all keep pointing to #2. So I'm guessing there's something in her messed up little head that makes you slightly more attracted to her. Perhaps you feel like she needs 'fixing' because you mentioned being 'her knight'...I also suspect that underneath the surface you're a bit afraid that #2 will end up boring you later...Am I getting close? Even though you have concerns that #1 may be the type to cheat on you later, I think the thrill of taming her appeals to you and you're waiting for someone to give you permission. Okay, take the plunge and have a wild, little ride and hopefully when it crashes and burns down the road, you will have at least kept a good friendship with #2 who may still be interested in licking your wounds and cleaning up the mess. I wish you the best of luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, bloke44 +, writes (19 June 2007):
bloke44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Frank! Alas, the way it worked out - when #1 and i separated, i slept with #2 but she lives a distance away and so we contact by text, email and video calls. We plan to meet again in a week or so. #2 has a very strong pull for me and soon enticed me back by making me see she was facing her issues and was ready to take the relationship seriously. Both would be extremely hurt to know of the other. I have no wish to hurt - that's why I came on here! I feel pressure to make some kind of decision rather than procrastinate. I am not inclined to rush into relationships and this has been a twist of fate that i could not forsee - when I went to meet #2 I had no intention of sleeping with each other - we just so enjoyed each other and within hours ended up in bed (sober!). The chemistry is awesome (and I have been around a while so am not fooling myself). The problem is that the chemistry is the same for #1 too!!! I do only want to be with one. It is complicated also by both having intense feelings for me and i can see that they are sincere and not fooling themselves.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 June 2007):
 If you feel guilty for sleeping with both, do not let your guilt become their issue by forcing it on them. Basically, as long as you are not leading them to think you are being monogamous with them, there is no issue of immorality as far as I am concerned..BUT it is YOUR morality that you need to come to terms with. Polyamory (open relationships) are not for everyone.
#1 already had her chance with you and blew it. She will blow it again I am sure. So if you feel you can only be with one girl, choose #2.
Three books I recommend. The Ethical Slut :book on polyamory. The Lfiestyle by Terry Gould: Book on swingers.
And my book From Loser to Seducer, my autobography that covers multiple women management, the rules of harem masters. For dating more than one woman at the same time.
-Frank B Kermit
franktalks.com
...............................
A
male
reader, bloke44 +, writes (19 June 2007):
bloke44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, Frank! There's a thought. It's not that I'm looking to string anyone along though and both relationships have swiftly moved past dating.
Sweet thing, blonde and blue, jendorset, thankyou. I watch #1 working her way through her issues so well that I am sincerely impressed with her strength of character. It does worry me that she has obssesive compulsive tendencies and an horrific past, which has created her issues. I do wonder if I am her knight....
#2 is settled (as anyone) with issues, has a simple approach to life, is stable and sincere
Both have the qualities I look for in a partner.
#2 is safe - a person I would always feel sure of. #1 is more on my level intelectually and has a better sense of adventure. She is likely to stray too i think - maybe. Or maybe her dificulties would be the making of her, or us?
I wonder if total honesty is the best policy or just to have patience and observe!?
I am sleeping with both and don't feel good about that. I find them both incredible - as individuals and as lovers. Am I being immoral?
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 June 2007):
If you MUST choose, go with the second one. The first one already proved there are too many issues to deal with, by walking away.
Otherwise, date both, and make sure both of them know that you want to continue to see both of them.
-Frank B Kermit
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (19 June 2007):
Perhaps if you weigh their personality characteristics carefully you will find the answer. Girlfriend #1 seemed a little unstable in the beginning. What was she freaking out about? She was listed through a personal dating site. Which means uh, dates and relationships and committments and so forth. She may have deeper issues that you won't stumble onto until later. Perhaps it would be wise to ease out of that relationship, and pursue the other one. Just be gentle, and perhaps you can retain her friendship. If things don't work out between you and g/f #2, you may still have a chance with the former. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, blonde and blue +, writes (19 June 2007):
what a situation sorry,but how do you know if girlfriend no1 isnt going to decide that she has relationship issues again,think this through before you make a decision.u dont normally hit problems right away unless they are obious,i hope you get on ok good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (19 June 2007):
You are in a jam arnt you. All i can really say about this is that you and the first girl split after two weeks,(her issues probably wont go away easily), and you started seeing someone else straight after. What does that tell you ? Does the secound girl know you are seeing someone else ? Do you think she would still be interested if she did know ? . Only you can decide who is right for you and who will be best in a relationship. If i was in your situation, i would choose the person who mostly wants the same things out of life as i do. If you still cant decide, tell both girls about the other, and stay with the girl that sticks around. I would hate to be one of these woman.
...............................
|
