A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I have sex I like to dominate. This used to make my ex go crazy (in a good way), but it doesnt turn my new guy on at all, he prefers me to be the submissive one. What do I do? He is perfect in every way apart from this, but the sex just isn't doing it for me. Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): If he does not adhere to your wishes then he doesn't deserve you. Period. You are the queen remember this.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Take it in turns!
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, caraduddy +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Take it in turns :)
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Doms are doms and subs are subs and ne'er the twain shall meet. Or something like that.
It's really hard when two people who really like to take charge in the bedroom end up together. You both want to take the responsibility for the success of your sexual satisfaction.
A couple of things to try.
First, give it a thorough investigation to see if one or both of you would enjoy switching roles from time to time. Maybe you can take turns being dominant. Try making the dominant and submissive roles very explicit in this case, and trade off, to see if you can establish a pattern that works for the two of you.
If that doesn't work, try going the other way. Try blurring the dom/sub relationship to more of a totally cooperative effort in the bedroom, so that neither of you is really running the show. This is very difficult for someone who really enjoys one role or the other, especially the dom (voice of experience here!), but sometimes it can work.
If the two of you really want to work this out, and neither of those suggestions help, there is at least one more option you might want to try. In some areas there are sex therapists who specialize in domination issues. In particular, some of these people can help both of you adjust to the idea of becoming more comfortable about being submissive or "switch".
Then there's always the possibility that counseling could help one or the other of you "get over" your need to be dominant, but that's a real long shot. The psychological community has finally woken up to the fact that these lifestyles are not pathological and seem to be choices that are more or less "hard-wired" in some people. It's only a rare clinician these days who would try to "cure" you of something that is really not an "illness" in any sense of the word, but a counselor might try to help one or both of you adjust to a problem that was causing trouble in your relationship.
If all else fails, you have to make a value judgement about how important your sex life really is to you. Is it more important than the relationship? If so, then you're going to have to move on and find yourself a nice little sub somewhere down the line so the two of you can be very happy together.
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