A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had problems with my bf who always complained about me not spending enough time with him. I love him with all my heart, and we're sexually active, I lost my virginity to him, he's my first bf, we're 22, 21 years. My parents are very protective of me and Im the youngest. In the beginning I was a lil afraid to voice my opinions bc they had their own ideas of what I should do, but they never tried to convince not to spend time with my bf, they just wanted to see and make sure he was going out of his way for me and really cared about me. My bf believes that my family were making me fearful of life and holding me back bc I supposedly proved to him that I did not do what i wanted to do as a grown woman. He feels that he's in a junior high relationship and not in an adult relationship. He emphasize how he wants love like they have in the movies not immature cartoon love where we dont deal with parental interference. He felt that I allow my parents to tear us apart and trying to interfere what we had. He was mad bc I did not take the time to spend the night with him. The reason why bc he lives far and in a dangerous neighborhood where there are gangs and violence and expected me to get there by bus or asking my people to drop me off but he never took the time to come over my house and spend time with me only one time and that was in the very beginning of the relationship. He was mad bc i would spend the night at his aunts house which he did not live in. He slept in the garage and car which was parked behind the garage in an alley bc he refused to pay rent and did not want to at all and he desired to have his own place.He wasnt making any effort to do much until i came into his life like get enrolled in school, helping him with his resume helping him trying to get a job and I did too much I felt like he belittled every chance bc I was proving myself to him that I Wasn't an adult and mature enough to be in an adult relationship. But none of that mattered. I wasnt proving myself to him that I was in an adult relationship doing things he felt was necessary. I basically spent 32 hours a week four days out of the week spending time with him in between classes and he still says when Im with him that he thinks about other women bc I bring no excitement and nothing new and says that Im the cause of his frustration bc Im never by his side spending the night.He asked me why i dont wanna spend the night in his car or with him in general. He said that since I dont come over when I want to ( though i really didnt have a way to get there due to the fact i had no car and no one wanted to do me a favor and take me and he lives in a rough and violent neighborhood) but stated that he feels like Im not a real gf even tho i did everything to please him. I know this was absolutely stupid of me but I gave him money, I tried to help fix his car, I bought him food, I paid for him to stay at motels so he could have a roof over his head bc he was unhappy about his living situation even though I could really afford it, I even had the nerve to have him come over and tried to convince my parents to let him stay at our house for a while so he could get his stuff together.I felt sorry and He was mad bc i didnt fall through what I said I was gonna do like get an apartment and have him move in with me. He called me a liar and said I was being weak minded and immature bc I didnt make grown up decisions, saying that he feels lonely when Im not there with him spending the night and being there day and night despite the fact I've done EVERYTHING I could to satisfy him. He tells me that Im act like a teenager who cant stand up for myself and I dont have my own mind to make decisions. Im working, I go college I dont have a car yet but Im saving up for it. He doesnt have a job, go to school, and he destroyed his car being dumb by burning out the clutch.The time he only came by was to pick me up but never got out the car to come inside and spend time with me, he refused and that raised an eyebrow with my folks and saying that he may try to play me by making me come to him all the time regardless instead of the other way around.-- I love him with all my heart and I felt as though he was trying to tell me that I was being an teenager, not dealing with adult situations in a relationship, not satisfying his needs. I felt like I had to read his mind and know exactly what he wanted and if it wasn't it, he would criticize me. I felt guilty. I also felt like it was my fault that the relationship is over now because he thought I allowed my parents to rule over me which wasnt true. They were just looking out for me. He was complaining about how theyre treating like a grown kid and I have an teenage mindstate thats not mature relationship wise. This was my first relationship. I lost my virginity to him. He was my first everything, I thought he was someone special. And bc I didnt come over and spend the night, spend day and night with him although he have a car at the time, the way everything was unfolding didnt seem right. I didnt wanna appear desperate to spend the night in his garage or car, and he said he had others he dated before spend the night there and why was it such a problem.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 May 2012):
 The end of the fourth paragraph was as far as I got. I just couldn't read any more of it, but I got a pretty clear idea of what kind of person your boyfriend is.
I can appreciate a man or woman wanting a partner, not a youth they have to pamper and protect. However your boyfriend does not live up to his own ideal.
Someone who sleeps in a car on his aunt's property because he doesn't want to pay rent, insists you ignore your parents, take a bus to a bad neighbour and spend the night in a car or garage is far from mature and responsible.
Do not trust his judgment. Trust your own. Between the two of you you're the only one who makes any sense.
He isn't special. He just likes to think he is. And like you, he's very young so whatever experience he's had, or claims he's had, amounts to squat. He is no more an expert on relationships than you are and you've shown considerably more maturity and wisdom.
He's boring and selfish. You'd have so much more fun on your own.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2012):
 And, the problem is.. ? You must be kidding, you can't be that naive ! The guy sleeps in a car, for Pete's sake ! He does not work, does not go to school, makes you pay for everything and in exchange can't even bother to drag his lazy ass once to stay with you at your place ! All this rubbish about not being adult enough and to submissive with your parents etc. etc. is a smoke screen, he is just mad he did not get you to rent an apartment so he could move in for free and keep mooching off you at ease . It's staring at you , written in neon lights, and you don't see it ?...
Go to church and light a candle for having been put out of harm's way, if you are religious, and if you are not, go out to toast to your newly found freedom and dignity.
What you had has got nothing to do with love, love is not being a doormat. It was a codependent relationship, where you, for mysterious reasons of yours , were fussing around him and serving him hands and feet. He got greedy and asked for more, lucky for you, beside greedy he's also impatient , could not bother to wait for you to be more financially solid and get him just what he wanted. Pfeewwww! You've got lucky.
But now, be more discriminating when you choose a boyfriend , Ok ? Make sure he is someone who has some integrity. And a roof over his head !
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