A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. She has had a lot of unhealthy tendencies that have reared their head in our relationship since I am her first significant relationship and she is realizing some of her unhealthy behavior patterns. One of them is that she used to take small issues that could be talked out and blow them up and break up with me over them. She has broken up with me and gotten back with me several times over the course of our relationship. Now, even when things are good and stable, and she has learned how to communicate rather than respond like she used to, I still find myself insecure and expecting the worst.I've always prided myself on being a confident and secure person. But now, I feel that I wind up over-analyzing every little thing and worry she's going to leave me again because it has happened so much in the past. It's not healthy. and I hate it. I hate feeling insecure. it's not me. How do I get over this and stop worrying that she's gonna fall back into her old pattern and ways and just drop me again? Thanks for the advice.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 October 2013):
 She wrecked her car and is now relying on you to be her driver? How did that happen? Is her car being fixed or is this an ongoing issue now? Does she not have access to a rental car? When I was her age, I had car issues and had to rent a car for a while. It's doable, you know. It sounds like a manufactured solution designed to keep you on hold.
To your question "How do I get over this and stop worrying that she's gonna fall back into her old pattern and ways and just drop me again? " If it were me, I would make the decision to stop worrying if she falls back into her old pattern, because at this point, I would simply take that break up by her at face value and not play along with the emotional blackmail.
In other words, I would end the on/off cycle by going to full "off", it's over, it's done and I don't have to be an insecure person any longer.
She has issues, obviously, but you are making your own if you choose to accept this kind of emotional blackmail.
If she keeps abandoning you and isn't seeking treatment then she's just going to cycle through it again, particularly if there's a pattern of abuse in her past. Sticking by her to your mental health detriment isn't good for you nor will it solve her problem.
You have some obvious anger that you are burying and that is expressing itself as insecurity and uncertainty. You aren't "allowed" to express it because her mental health concerns trump yours, at least in this relationship dynamic.
Agan, I would rest easy, stop worrying and just go with the flow. And then if she acts up again and ends the relationship, relax and let it end. Maybe that will prompt her to get the help she so obviously needs and will free you from the depression caused by the anger you are so busy trying to bury.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your advice. Aunty Babbit; she has had some bad relationships in the past as well as issues of abuse in her family. So it is very possible she was testing me. In fact, I've brought this up to her recently, asking her if she thought that was why she would do it. That maybe it was her way of testing me, like you said, to make sure I'll stick around and be there and won't just walk away and abandon her (which of course, is unhealthy). Thing is, I guess now she's confident and secure that I won't go anywhere and knows I love her, but now I'm the one left feeling vulnerable and afraid of being left.
I know I'm a cool person lol. I know I'm funny and easy-going and laid-back. And I've got a lot going for me as far as career is concerned. I know I have a lot to offer and am somewhat of a catch lol. however, I find myself second-guessing myself constantly. We have been staying together for about a week and a half now because she wrecked her car and I'm driving her to and from work and class etc. but at night, if she's tired and seems kinda distant I get paranoid. or if she doesn't sit next to me on the couch I get upset (in my head-i never say it out loud). Just stupid stuff I've never cared about before. but suddenly its gotten in my head and made me paranoid she's not happy and is gonna leave me again. It's the voice in my brain that keeps telling me I'm apparently not good enough for her and she's not happy.
I don't know how to get that voice to shut up. And I know at this point, I'm being my own worst enemy. But I still just hurt from everything that's happened. And from feeling so replaceable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): One of the biggest mistakes people make when they are in relationships or get married, is when there is a disagreement or an built up issues, they threaten a break up or say things like, then just leave, or I'm going to file for divorce, etc. If you are in a committed relationship then part of that committement is to work through things and figure it out. And throwing in the towel is not a solution. Each time the mention of breaking up or getting divorced comes out, you are slowly but surely breaking down the relationship. Never ever say or threaten a split unless you actually mean it. Don't play that kind of game. And she needs to stop doing it. This does not apply to infidelity, physical/mental abuse or alcohol/drug abuse unless they get professional help or it is necessary to get out for the safety of themselves or protecting children. I am completely talking about the trivial stuff, like you mentioned.She needs to mature and to continue working on better communication skills. I would suggest going to a couples counselor so you both have an opportunity to learn how to do it together. There is always room for improvement on either side to better understand the other person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 October 2013):
 I agree with Auntie Babbit, you need to sit her down and talk to her and I would make it perfectly clear that IF she threaten with break up over trivial stuff then the relationship is over. (and YOU better stick to that decision if that is how you feel).
You are walking around on eggshells and that isn't healthy at all.
And remember you can NOT control her behavior and actions, only how YOU respond to them.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 This is only my opinion but I wonder if your girlfriend felt insecure, that she had possibly come from a controlling relationship, and has been continually "testing" your relationship and you for proof that it was strong and that she was in control. Of course she might just have a problem with her temper and an overactive imagination!
Now of course, she's reassured, is calmer and feels able to talk to you but her previous actions have left their mark on you.
When something that hurts keeps happening and is repeated over and over again, we begin to get wary of it, we put up barriers to protect ourselves from the hurt and sometimes (as in your case) start to live in fear of that hurt happening.
You need to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel, trying not to blame her because you have worked through and remedied her behaviour pattern, but so that she, in turn, can now help you overcome the harm that has occurred.
She needs to reassure you that she will not break up with you again over petty things and as a knee jerk reaction to her temper and fear.
I can't help wondering if you might not both benefit from couples counselling.
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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