A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I'm hoping someone here can help me. I am in a relationship for the past 12 years. The early years were turbulent but we stayed together and now have 3 young boys. They are great. However ... I also have a daughter in her 20s from my marriage years ago. My partner Joe, hates her. It began when she was a teenager and although I consider that she was a good teenager by some standards, she did have her moments. Joe couldn't handle it. He is a selfish person and hadn't ever experienced putting anyone else first and making allowances. She was not allowed to touch any of his things even though he lived in my house with all my things. anyway, now in her 20s, my daughter Zoe has a steady boyfriend. She is not promiscuous - she was a virgin until she was 20. But after a nght out she brings her boyfriend home and he stays over. I am ok with that as I don't want her to get a taxi alone. Our boys are oblivious to this. Joe doesn't like it and asked her via text to stop. They had a series of texts - Zoe asked why and Joe said it isn't right. Zoe replied that he is not married to me (he doesn't intend to marry me) and wasn't when we started going out exposing her to a loving but unmarried relationship. Things got heated and Zoe said that she didn't like how Joe treats me. That was 6 months ago. Joe won't talk to Zoe, leaves the room when she comes in, won't eat with her etc. She is no longer part of the family. She is not comfortble in her home except for in her room. I hate this. Would leave except for the boys and also it is my house. I don't need financial support. Even if Zoe moves out things will not be good - she will never be comfortable at home. We can never enjoy the relationship we used to have - I am busy with the boys all day and in the evenings Joe is home. Help! What can I do? Be a single mum to 3 boys or lose my daughter?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): my mum remarried and i got a step dad when i was 10 ... it was always clear cut, she was my parent and he was not. I got my rules, boundaries and chores from mum. Yes, he could have an input but it was mum who was the final decision maker of her own child. It was a good arrangement in my opinion personally because my step dad was not trying to dominate or control me just because he had a new title to hold over me, he became my friend and similar to a brother ... he wasn't just my mum's hubby, he was family and i do think how mum made that happen was by insisting of being own parent and not letting just anyone do it. Thus we were all able to be free in a sense because we know what was accptable and what was not. I'd say its time to remind jow that your daughter is your child, not his and its your house not his thus you dictate what YOUR daughter can and cannot do. And as its your house, he should be treating YOUR daughter with my respect and if she needs to treat him with more respect then you will be the one enforcing it, NOT him. He is NOT her parent. She should not have to feel the enermy in her OWN home. Stand up for your daughter.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 My mother married a "Joe" and I can honestly say I wouldn't piss on my stepfather if he was on fire. I grew up dealing with his constant criticisms and complaints, making me feel uncomfortable in the home MY father bought for his family before his death. As an adult, I rarely visit my parents because being in that house brings up such bad memories.
I love my mom, but I hate her for being so weak and not defending me. I feel she chose her husband over her child. When she allowed him to speak to me the way he did, she taught me that I was not important. Years later, I'm still trying to unlearn that lesson.
Poor Zoe has lived with this man's abuse for 12 years and you allowed it because having Joe around was important for YOU. Now it's time for you to do something that benefits your daughter. Please take Auntie E's advice and stand up for your kid.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 He has no right to ignore your daughter and make her uncomfortable.. they had an arguement fine...
Get the two of them together over the kitchen table and start to put down some rules.. They may not like each other, but they will be polite and keep atmosphere pleasant. That means, good morning, goodbyes, passing salt, sugar, that kind of thing.. You should also demand that the do one activity together, a chore, like washing dishes, or cooking a meal once a week..
He is father of your sons, she is your daughter, they both share the same roof, but that roof is yours... No one shoud have to leave, but, who ever can not put on a polite face and learn to get along is making things hard for you, and though you love them, if either your daughter or your guy can not agree to this compromise, then the person who is stubbon should find another place to lay their head.
You are not choosing either, you are making a demand about the type of family home you expect them to help you to provide so you can make a home for yourself and the boys.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (9 June 2010):
 You have more control here than you think you do. It is your house and you stated you do not need him financially. Grow a backbone and tell him he either makes amends with Zoe or he can leave. You started this mess by having him move in with you, and then you allowed him to be nasty to your girl, and now you have three boys with him...and now you can fix it. Square your shoulders and move forward.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 June 2010):
I would ditch Joe in a second. He seems like a pretty shocking man to be honest. And you don't need him being the role model for your boys and thinking that this is the way to treat women. Single mum to three boys without a man like Joe in your life is a lot better than having a very unhappy daughter and c crap partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): If I were you I'd tell Zoe that you if you were ever to leave Joe that you'd need her help with the kids.
Joe sound like a problem, someone who is so stubborn that they are letting you o through this for their own benifit.
Also, isn't it about time she moved out?!? She is old enough to lead her own life.
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