A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help here. My fiance (or ex fiance - we ended it last night) is ADD and a month ago we moved in together although he is still in the same house with me and my 3 kids.Everything I say gets shot down in flames. I am always the person in the wrong. He demands 24/7 of my attention and if he feels he is not getting it, I get a lecture. He talks "down to me" like I am a child. He calls me names. He accuses me of cheating on him, not that I have or ever would. He twists words to suit his own purposes and forgets he has said something and doesnt take responsibility for what he has said. He tells me I am hormonal and that my reactions to his tone, manner and verbal abuse are "not normal". He has also inferred that I am a ***** (said jokingly, but hurtful just the same) I have learnt to protect myself after surviving an extremely abusive (both physical and emotional) marraige, by just withdrawing into myself - perhaps this is why he considers this "not normal", but after his behaviour, I just switch off. I do not wish to communicate when I am hurt. I need to get it right in my own head first, before the issue turns into an explosive argument - as it did last night, with me saying some very untrue things to him, which hurt him I know and I should never have said them. I cannot make excuses for this, but he pushes and pushes and just to get him to leave me alone, I said some rather nasty things. It seems also that he is entitled to say anything he wishes to me and I have to keep a smile on my face and just accept it. Not everybody wasnt to have sex 24/7 either -his demands in this area are EXTREMELY high. Most times I give in to his demands just to keep the peace. If I dont feel like it because I am maybe tired he throws his toys. He accuses me of starting arguments just so I dont have to sleep with him. He has had two broken marraiges and one broken engagement and the women have ALL been wrong. Is this an ADD problem or are there more serious issues here? All this having been said, he does have some incredible qualities (when he is not in a mood) and I do love him, but I cannot live my life walking on egg shells - been there done that, put my life back together and became a survivor and not a "victim" as he once called me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I do attend to agree with you. I think I just needed a bit of moral support from the site.
This whole issue does not only affect us, it affect 5 kids. My 3 adore him and are devastated. I cant tell you about his two kids, as they dont live with us, but I can say he is an excellent father and the proof in the pudding for me has been my kids reaction to him. After being single for 13 years, i finally took a leap of faith and invested all that I had (including my kids well being) in this relationship, as did he. Our decision to move into together, was for me one of the biggest commitments I have made.
He gave up immediate access to his kids, his home and social life in the city and moved 240 kms to be with us 24/7. So, as you can see, we have both invested a lot and its easy to walk away, but harder to work on it and resolve the problems that there are. he is truly my soul mate and I cannot begin to tell you of the emotional chaos I have found myself in because of this issue.
We both said that we "were going to work at this" and we are both to blame for not doing so and giving up so easily and I also think that it is easy to lay blame (and yes, my email is one sided), when pouring your heart out, but there are two sides to every story and its finding the right balance between the two that resolves things.
I dont intend to go backward with this, but forward, which ever path it may follow. Like I said before, he has the most incredible qualities and I am happiest when I am with him. We are meant to be together - this I have no doubt about, whether or not this will happen - I dont know, at this stage, but whats the old saying "hope floats"?
Thank you for your very kind letter!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I suggest you go to a real yes real doctor who is trained in this sort of relationship matters ... as it takes two and yes it takes two to work on a relationship... if you love him and he has a lot of good properties then go see someone together .. real life real doctor and both together.... you cyber advisers ?? Come on don't try advising on what think.. you can do more damage than good. Its real it must be dealt with in reality not cyber ..
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. i basically knew this already, but in the hope of hopes that I was perhaps wrong, I turned to you people for an objective answer.
I have rebuilt my life and the person who i am today through a lot of courage and determination and anybody who denegrates my character, integrity and morality is not worthy of me. I am not perfect and do not see myself as such, but I am a person who is worthwhile, loving and kind.
He has left. His things are all here. I know he is going to be back to collect them, but I will deal with that when the problem arises.
Cant and wont do this but wanted so badly for it to work. I know that i cannot change him either. I love him and probably always will, but I know for my well being I have to save me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): The man is a control freak. He sucks you in with kindness and love, then smashes you down with control techniques.
His aim is to grab your soul and suck it dry with a charming smile on his damn handsome face. He will isolate you from your family, farm your kids off to boarding school and break you down. And break you down some more. And then kick you when you're down, pick you up kiss you, fax it and then repeat.
He is an energy thief and you are in very real danger of having the very lifeblood of your soul sucked dry by this emotional vampire.
You are currently his emotional prisoner.
Shame on you for not sticking up for yourself and nurturing the beautiful person he can see and wants to own.
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male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 If you've ended it you've done the right thing. ADD or not (and ADD is rarely anything other than excuse for irresponsible behaviour) he's been abusive and you deserve better than to put up with that. Stay away.
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A
female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (24 October 2010):
Hi Sweets,
You said you broke up last night so therefore you have seen the light. After surviving an abusive marriage do you really want to find yourself in the same situation again?.
Concentrate on your kids and take some time out for YOU because after all you have been through you deserve it.
Do not go back with this man, things will only get worse. He sounds like a control freak and a throughly unpleasant abuser to boot, so keep well clear. I think you have had a very, very lucky escape. Good luck for the future.
Cheers Doll.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 No, it's not simply ADD. There are underlying issues here. My good friend has extreme ADD and he's prone to periods of frustration and sadness. But, he's never abused his girlfriend (my cousin). You don't deserve to be walking on eggshells and your children don't need to exposed to his behavior. He needs to get counseling and grow up. His behavior sounds quite childish and in Spanish, he'd be called "machismo" a man who expects to be right all the time and demands a woman to bend to his will. He needs to learn that this isn't how it works. Relationships should be partnerships where two people work together to support and make each other happy. It's not about taking all and giving nothing. You do not demand, you ask...he's not ready to be a husband, thats probably a big reason why his past marriages/relationships have failed.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 I my advice would be no different than Aunty BimBim. Get him out or get yourself out !! AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 Two broken marriages and one broken engagement, you have one abusive marriage in your past, seems to me you need to pull those survivor techniques you have hidden in a box somewhere and put them to use.
He is abusive, and regardless if this is caused by ADD (I doubt) you dont need to be there, nor do your three children.
Either get him out or get out yourself .... why put yourself through this sort of thing again?
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