A
female
age
41-50,
*illary30
writes:Hi everyone,I am suspecting that my bf is cheating on me. There are many reasons why I feel this way. - I came home to him today showering, which he would never do this late in the day- he wanted to change the sheets because he claimed that they were dirty even though I changed them just a few days ago- he has been very distant (but this could also be because we've been arguing quite a bit lately)He claims that if there would be someone else, he would tell me but how do I believe him? Does this sound that he could be cheating on me? Please help... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 November 2010):
 A female reader, Hillary30 +, writes (18 November 2010):
Hillary30 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
And to be honest everyone...I've been looked at all the signs of a guy who cheats and he only has many one, or tops two signs from that list of like 10. So I really don't think that I should be thinking the worst of him, do you?
You do realize that not all cheaters do all "top 10" cheater things?
If you don't think he is cheating on you, then you need to learn how to trust. If you keep accusing him of cheating he will either walk away or... cheat.
Stop LOOKING for clues of him cheating. You obviously have a very over active imagination and it seems to get the best of you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): As a man, and when I was a bachelor, I was rather lax on changing the sheets.
I thought that if I waited long enough, they would get up and walk to the machine and wash themselves.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 November 2010):
 Way to bring it back and answer your own question! ;-)
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A
female
reader, Hillary30 +, writes (18 November 2010):
Hillary30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd to be honest everyone...I've been looked at all the signs of a guy who cheats and he only has many one, or tops two signs from that list of like 10. So I really don't think that I should be thinking the worst of him, do you?
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female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (18 November 2010):
The trouble is that once someone becomes suspicious of their partner, the relationship is like a boat being steered through a storm straight into a massive rock. Suspicion means lack of trust and once trust is over, the relationship is on its way out. My advice is that you try and look at the evidence as objectively as you can. There are a few possible reasons for the shower and the changing of the sheets. It does not necessarily mean, he has had a girl in the bed and he was washing the evidence off himself.
(Also, anyone conducting an affair needs a time and place to do so. They also have to make sure they are not spotted by anyone that could bust them. Could your b/f have brought someone into your home without any neighbours seeing? Could she then have slipped out before you got home? Does he work from home?)
Also, on the matter of a confrontation - never, ever do it without evidence - totally pointless. It will denied, followed by anger and then it will be turned on you for being paranoid. He will then also be far more careful in his behaviour. If someone thinks you don't suspect them, you have far more opportunity to collect evidence.
Also, if you plan to bug your own home, check his emails, and check his texts - this is invading his privacy big time and here we are again at lack of serious trust....the boat is steering closer to the giant rock! These are also immoral actions and every reason for him to end your relationship.
I wish you all the very best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Hillary30 +, writes (18 November 2010):
Hillary30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk everyone, to be honest with you, I think that it's just a coincidence that this shower and washing sheets happened all in the same night. He even made reference to the fact that I was questioning him about it tonight, and even offered me to smell the sheets before he washed them. I think if he cheated, he wouldn't really do that - do you?
Yeah maybe I am answering my own question who knows. All I know is that I do not trust him, and I wish I did. I'm trying to get some professional help to fix this problem but it isn't helping yet. He hasn't hurt me before. Some of the comments that he makes and the way he talks to me hurts me. We are having problems, so this is probably why he is so distant.
And another thing if he were really sick and tired of this relationship, he probably would have walked away by now and forgotten the hassle.
Don't forget that we work at the same place so this adds on a ton of pressure. I would have walked away but the problem is is that I love him and I can't. Breaking up with him and seeing him every day at work would be way too incredibly hard.
And what I mean by distant is this: We may have sex but we would normally cuddle a little bit afterwards, and now it happens and there's no closeness after.
And my gut...well it hards to tell because I'm too insecure to see straight I think. And to be honest with everyone, I have accused him of cheating, quite a bit. Heck this is why I'm seeing a psychologist to question why I feel this way. He's told me again and again that he's not interested in other women. If he were, he'd tell me about it. And no, he didn't change the duvet, just the sheet.
I've answered all questions so please let me know what you think. The bottom line that he's saying is that I need to give him a bit of space in order for him to come closer to me again and be affectionate. With all the fighting, it is sort of understandable why he's not all lovey-dovey right away I guess.
I know I may not be asking for direct questions, just advice I guess. I think many of you understand why I'm feeling insecure and others believe he's a downright bastard. I think we need to think of all the factors and how he is as a person before we can make judgement. Right?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Hillary. It's BS. With all the dirty underwear in the world, it's illogical that he would manufacture laundry to do, much less strip the sheets after 3 days, wash them, and put them back on the bed. He also washed himself in the shower. Not a quick wash off like it was suggested that he misfired during masturbation. It sounds more like he was washing the scent of a woman off of himself and the sheets.
However, you're arguing and also having sex every day? What kind of a high strung dynamic is this? Have you been accusing him of cheating a LOT? Is this a recurring theme in your relationship? He DID text another girl, but nothing happened?
Maybe you should break up with him no matter what. Why would you keep this high level of stress in your life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Well if you have had sex everyday for the past three days then he hasn't been all THAT distant. You say he has always been faithful. You really need to get your story straight.
If he has always been faithful and apart from this bickering you have been havng sex daily, then he probably isn't cheating.
I mean some of us reply with "yeah he is probably cheating," and you respond with the following:
"Don't you also think the fact that we've had sex every day for the past 3 days should say something too?? I mean if we didn't, then I'd wonder more for sure."
So then you are answering your own question so what is it that you want to know? What are you digging for? He prob was masturbating, soiled the sheets, washed them and took a bath. Just leave it alone.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 November 2010):
 I would keep digging. All of this sounds very suspicious.
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A
female
reader, wildchild +, writes (18 November 2010):
If I went with my gut, I'd say something is amiss. What does your gut tell you? I tend to find it is very accurate.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
You two need to work out whatever it is that's causing all the fights. Tell him you want to have a calm discussion about it and stay civil. Don't allow personal attacks or accusations to invade the conversation. Something may be up, but it may be just a dip in the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Hillary30 +, writes (18 November 2010):
Hillary30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk everyone, I see that everyone has a different view on this subject. I've been with him for 2 years, and I've never had him be dishonest with me. I mean there was one moment where he text a girl and I found out about it, but he didn't do anything with her.
This is the first time that this has happened so I was rather surprised and didn't quite understand it. His reasoning was that he wanted to do lights in the washer, so he needed the sheets. He also said that he was sweating from a bad dream so he felt better with clean sheets. He told me from the beginning of our relationship that he wants to be honest with me about everything so if he wants out or he wants to be with someone else, then he'll tell me. I can't help but believe that, or partly anyway.
I think it is very much related to the fact that we've been arguing almost every day lately for the past while. That's why he has been distant with me. Don't you also think the fact that we've had sex every day for the past 3 days should say something too?? I mean if we didn't, then I'd wonder more for sure.
What other type of digging do I do to find out more?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 November 2010):
Maybe. Something is up for sure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): It all sounds suspect. The one thing that stood out for me is that he said "if there is someone else he would tell you." Right there he is feeding you a line. Not only is this a lie, as we all know most men who are having affairs DON'T speak of them, but also a legit guy who loves his girl and is not thinking of someone else would not say that, much less even think that. A more normal response for a guy who is not cheating would be, "I love you, I don't care for other girls" Something like that. He didn't say he didn't care for other girls did he? He said he would let you know if he is cheating. Maybe he is planning to break the news to you just hasn't had the courage.
So while at first I wasn't sure if the afternoon bath and the washing the "clean" sheets was really just nothing, now coupled with that comment he made, it makes it all very suspicious.
Keep your eyes open. And if he is cheating on you, do yourself a favor and move on. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Hillary30 +, writes (18 November 2010):
Hillary30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk everyone, I see that everyone has a different view on this subject. I've been with him for 2 years, and I've never had him be dishonest with me. I mean there was one moment where he text a girl and I found out about it, but he didn't do anything with her.
This is the first time that this has happened so I was rather surprised and didn't quite understand it. His reasoning was that he wanted to do lights in the washer, so he needed the sheets. He also said that he was sweating from a bad dream so he felt better with clean sheets. He told me from the beginning of our relationship that he wants to be honest with me about everything so if he wants out or he wants to be with someone else, then he'll tell me. I can't help but believe that, or partly anyway.
I think it is very much related to the fact that we've been arguing almost every day lately for the past while. That's why he has been distant with me. Don't you also think the fact that we've had sex every day for the past 3 days should say something too?? I mean if we didn't, then I'd wonder more for sure.
What other type of digging do I do to find out more?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2010):
Oh yeah, showering and changing the sheets after a few days sounds like cheating big time. Either that or he's a bedwetter. Sheets would smell like the woman he had in your house, and they would also smell like his wet spot. Let me guess, he threw them into the washer before you had time to see what was going on. Did he also change the blanket and bedspread?
He's totally full of crap if he would outright tell you if there was someone else. You never confront a guy without evidence, because they will lie 99.9% of the time, and as a twist, try to make you feel like a mean paranoid nagging witch for even bringing it up.
Even the fact that you're arguing more is a sign that cheating might be happening. Add that to his distance, and yes, your sixth sense is lighting up like a Christmas tree.
I would be getting ready to exit this relationship, evidence or no evidence. If you *have* to have evidence, if you can get your hands on one of those sound-activated digital tape recorders and hide it under the bed or in his car, you'll know for sure!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
The best answer I can give is maybe.
The showering thing, maybe he was working out. Maybe he was doing some stuff around the house and got dirty. Maybe he's washing the other girl off himself...
The sheets. Could be that he had a wet dream and was embarassed. Could be that something spilled on the sheets. Could be that he had another woman in your bed.
Being distant. Could be that he's having an affair. Could be because of all your fights. Could be because he's not happy.
All of these things could be signs of masturbation too. Washing the lube off when you came home unexpectedly. He soiled the sheets when he missed the sock.
I don't see anything other than evidence of behavior that's slightly out of the ordinary. Could be an affair, could be something else.
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A
female
reader, always ready to listen +, writes (18 November 2010):
if you have a gut feeling that something is wrong then this is difficult to live with as anyone knows
you say that you have been arguing just lately and this certainley can trigger a man to search for comfort in someone else.
my advice to you is to actually try to be kind to him suggest that he joins you for a dinner cooked by you or an evening with your favourite film on in front of the tv.
this will give you a chance to patch up the cracks caused by arguing.
sometimes you have to swallow your pride and say sorry just to try to get that even ground back into your relationship. good luck and try hard to consentrate on getting him back on track gently
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 November 2010):
These could be signs. But then again they might not. I think that something may be happening. But you need to do more digging to find out what it is.
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