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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months..we are in our late twenties and still living with parents due to us trying to save individually for the future..he is looking to purchase a house within the next few years.It is by far the best relationsip i have been in and i know i want to be with him forever. He is very sweet, attentive, affectionate etc. I know we both truly love each other and he tells me all the time. He does joke around alot and sometimes it can be hard to tell if there is truth to his jokes. He joked on the phone one day how he will live in the house and I will live in my apartment (meaning separately and not together at some point). I didn't really say anything to that, although it kind of bothered me because I am thinking in my head if you don't see yourself marrying me in a few years or us living together, what is the point to all of this. He did say just kidding. I don't have a car right now b/c of the location I am in and he joked about me getting a car so just in case if he ever get tipsy I could drive him home. So I replied saying oh that's the reason huh? And he said just kidding etc..he said you might need it if you ever lived in a different area (i guess meaning his at some point).Is he just trying to get a reaction out of me and see what my feelings are? I learned alot from my last relationship such as keeping certain thoughts to yourself and not reacting to alot of things. I don't mention marriage, living together or the future really. It usually comes from him with comments like these or once in awhile.Is this a good sign or is he showing me he probably doesn't want me in the future? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): I've read the responses from the other aunts, and really think the best advice is to slow things down to allow yourself to get to know him. Making joint investments with plans of marriage is taking a huge step. You're not comfortable with his humor. It surprises me that so many people apply so much cynicism to joking around.I see no reason to presume any power-play, unless he has bluntly told you he makes the most money and should call all the shots. People don't usually joke about things like that. I trust that you are an intelligent person, and capable of knowing when someone is playing you for a fool.If your living arrangements are always the butt of his jokes, then stash that in the back of your mind for future access.If he purchases a home on his own, and you are invited later as his wife, it may place him in a better position of not sharing it as community property; God forbid, should marriage not work out and you must divide your assets. I'd seek legal advice about that to be sure. Allow no one to place you at any disadvantage on ANY LEVEL. That is no way to build a relationship.If you feel you are seeing a side of him that contradicts the better attributes you've described, take heed. This is where it is best to truly know people well, and establish trust before we commit ourselves emotionally or financially. It is better to purchase the property together, once a SOLID relationship has been established.Seven months is too short to really know someone. I'd suggest living in an apartment together before you actually buy a house. That will establish your compatibility, allow your relationship to evolve to a higher level, and you will both know at the same time when to take the next step toward marriage and purchasing a home, TOGETHER.
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reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 It could be many possibilities. My guess is that this is his way of getting you to back off of serious/future plans. He might be fighting against his own feelings, or he might be feeling pressure from you, or he may indeed be not set on a future with you.
Multiple jokes usually have a meaning. In his case, being that he's living in his house in his late 20's and you are too, he may be inferring that he's with you "right now".
However, he's telling you he loves you all the time. The question is, when does he say that? If he's telling you this out of the bedroom, he might be fighting against his own feelings of seriousness.
My suggestion is to very subtly pull back from the relationship, like the tide pulling out from the rocks on the ocean. Then see what happens. If he notices and starts coming after you, then it *is* fighting his own seriousness. If he doesn't notice and takes it in stride, then you have reason to be concerned.
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reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
I am seeing something else, different than the other agony aunts. There's a twofold meaning behind his jokes. How do I know - I've been 'that guy'. It's not something I'm proud of, but when my wife and I were first dating, that was me. She managed to cause me to do some serious self examination, through which I mstly managed to grow out of that facet, but, yeah... I was "that guy".Here's the deal:1: He's feeling like he has a head start on you. Does he make more money? Maybe just able to save a higher percentage of what he does make? One way or another, he feels like he has the upper hand, and is slowly, subtly leveraging that upper hand to put himself in a position where he feels powerful in the relationship. That's not to say he has any intention of putting you down, nor that he has any intention of behaving badly with the "power" he's trying to leverage - he just has a deep need to feel like he's the one with all the aces. It's VERY likely he doesn't know this is part of what's going on.2: He also needs to hear you fawn and fuss over him a little. Jokes like that are also an attempt to make you feel, and thus act a little clingy, a little needy, like he's something vital you couldn't possibly do without. If you were to be clingy or possessive when he's not giving you this sort of cue, he would be put off by it, however, when he feeds you a line like one of these - he's hoping you'll play the needy girlfriend who can't believe his plans don't include the fairytale.If you play into either of the purposes above, you're rewarding him for behavior that will not go to good places. Even if he remains attentive, affectionate, faithful, and kind, he's going to be stunted in a pretty sophomoric relationship mode for as long as he feels like he needs that crutch to stand on. As long as he thinks he -has- that crutch, he'll be too afraid to find out whether or not he actually needs it.If you want him to find the emotionally secure and strong man inside of himself, he will need to outgrow this somewhat immature behavior. A sense of humor is all fine and good - in its appropriate place, but this isn't it.
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reader, llifton +, writes (12 March 2013):
 you say he's attentive and affectionate, etc. he also stays with you and it's clearly a healthy relationship because you said so straight from your mouth. it sounds to me he's just joking around and being playful. it may not even be to get a response out of you to see what you'd say. it may just be because he's goofy and he is just being funny. i wouldn't take it too personally. or at least try not to. it sounds like everything is just fine and you two have a good future together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): You are just too serious. He likes pushing your buttons. From what I've read so far: He is sweet, attentive, affectionate, and he has a sense of humor. Lighten up lady! Would a guy with all the qualities that you've presented just ditch you after giving you all that he has so far? Really???Nothing ruins a relationship more than when one party within a relationship starts hearing wedding bells and pressuring for marriage. You've mentioned you're in your late twenties, saving for a house, trying to get your finances in order. Have some patience. He's only teasing you. It's been only 7 months!You're talking about a lifetime together, yet you can't determine when he's joking or serious. Give your relationship time and you will get to know when he's serious and when he's not. You're a bit intense and much too eager. My advice is not to over-react, or you'll scare him. Develop a sense of humor. It's hard living with a person who rarely laughs and takes everything too seriously.It's boring too! If he can't have a little fun, living together will be the last thing he'll want to do. He's testing your patience and getting to know you better. He needs to know what he's getting himself into. It goes two ways you know!Laugh it off and tease him back. Don't jump ahead of the game, he's trying to get you to chill out a bit. The jokes are totally harmless and you're reading way to much into them. Show too much intensity, and you will sabotage everything you already have.Marriage will come easier if he knows he has someone who will make life easier and you'll both share a few laughs.Guys sometimes act like little boys, and we want to feel comfortable sharing the playful side of us. You seem to get all uptight, and much too eager to get hitched. Don't be so insecure. He has no choice but to make light of it to ease the tensions. It's a nervous reaction to keep you off his back about matrimony. He has a lot to get to know about you, and you about him. Slow down your race to the alter, and focus on developing love and trust. Compatibility is a major component in a long-term relationship. I disagree with janniepeg. Marriage is a bond, not bondage. If you can't take a joke, life will be miserable.You have to be able to survive all the ups and downs of life together. If you can't crack a smile when he's pulling your leg, what does he really have to look forward to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): I read his jokes that you related here and while you might interpret them as him trying to get a reaction out of you,tTo me he's just "joking" in a way to shed his own anxiety...anxieties he has about your being faithful to a future with him and perhaps his own romanticism about having you as a partner.
I don't think that "he doesn't want you in the future", I think he wants it very much, but I would guess that he's nervous that you don't because you don't talk about it and as you said, he always brings it up. He probably follows your lead, doesn't talk about emotional things, but brings it up via jokes because he doesn't know how else to. You might call it trying to provoke a reaction, I would call it testing the waters.
You can learn a lot from past relationship, but they can also hold you back or stunt you and I think you've got the latter going on. I'm not saying you've got to spill your guts all the time, but I think you might be erring in the other direction. The nice thing about being with someone you love is that you feel free to share honestly with him. Perhaps you've just not gotten to trust him that much.
I would advise before you move in with anyone, you be sure you can do that.
I don't think the problem here is him, but it might be the way you're approaching him as if you're expecting he might ditch you. If you treat him that way, don't be surprised if he does the same to you. I don't think you can over-analyze his humor and take your behavior out of the equation in the same instance.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): If you have to always guess what he means, it doesn't sound very good to me. With straightforward relationships it shouldn't happen. If you are comfortable with a guy you should be able to ask him what does he mean and may be jokingly also ask him if he ever sees you in his future. This is how men and women both waste their time buy being afraid to just ask.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 If he wants to know your intention, jokes are not the nice way to go. He has to pluck up the courage to directly ask you, when he is ready. The way I would respond to his first 'joke', would be to say it would be nice to have my own apartment.
I don't know this guy. The way he is expressing himself he sounds like you should be thrilled that he wants to live with you. No, flip that around and show him that you will live with the one who is worth it, and that you will make that decision when that time comes.
For me, I am no good at jokes. Someone can be saying something that sounds weird and I would never know it's a joke. I also would not live with a guy who gets tipsy a lot. I don't like drinkers around me.
Living together is a result of a good relationship with complete trust and no doubts. It's not something you do because others are doing, or because you want to feel more secure. It's not a joking matter. People can tell me I am serious, no sense of humour all they want. I don't appreciate joking about things like this.
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