A
female
age
36-40,
*17
writes:Hello. I am confused over two men in my life, and am not sure if either is right for me.I was in a relationship for several months and it ended earlier this year. He was always too busy with work to be there for me, even when I had to go into hospital for emergency surgery. I could have died, yet I hardly heard from him, and he told me his boss needed him. I realised I wasn't a priority in his life and the relationship ended.Since then I met a guy on a dating site. Before we even met he started asking about sex, what my fantasies are, what I'd like us to do, etc. I told him it is too soon, but he continued to make sexual suggestions. He even talked about us going abroad together, even though we hadn't met. We did finally meet the other day and it went okay, but he is still asking about my sexual fantasies and telling me what he would like to do. I feel like this is all he is interested in. I like to really get to know someone before getting intimate, and I am wondering if we are compatible.My ex has recently come back on the scene as well, but nothing much has changed. If I text him he doesn't reply for hours, even though he is always doing things on his phone. He also cancelled a date one evening because of work once again. I still have feelings for him and would like to be with him, but I feel like I am not important at all.Do you think I should persevere with either of these guys, or are neither of them right for me? Thank you for any help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2021): Girlfriend, seriously?!! Reread your post back to yourself; and note that all these guys are dicking you around.
Your ex is an ex for a reason, and you should make it a rule never to "recycle" exes; because it's like going back to drink the same poison after you were given the antitoxin to neutralize the poison. Break-up, let-go, and move on.
Your desire to have a boyfriend can't be stronger than your common sense. You see obvious red-flags, but you're looking through the eyes of denial. If you see something bad in a guy, that's a clue or warning!!! Yes, everybody has flaws; but every guy is not a certified d!ck! You have to be selective. Yes, you're over 30; but you don't deserve mediocre, just because a good-guy is harder to find. Jewels and treasure aren't sprawled-out in plain-sight. You have to hunt for treasure; because a good-man, or good-woman, is a precious gem.
When you are in-between dates, and you're having a long dry-spell; work on your own weaknesses, and prepare for a better man. You'll feel more confident about yourself; and less likely to settle for less than you deserve. It's not conceited to seek a good-match; when you know your value, and what you can offer and contribute to a solid relationship.
If he's too busy to even come see you in the hospital, obviously he's not that into to you. If he has sex sex sex on the brain, it's not about you...it's about what's between your legs! If he sits on your messages for hours or days; he's just keeping his foot in the door for that late-night booty-call, or sex with an ex. He's not interested in a reconciliation. You're using him for a stand-in, and somebody to fallback on; when you can't find another boyfriend. Messing with exes that mind-screw you makes you a hot mess, with a lot of baggage, for the next guy.
Didn't mean to be harsh; but I do mean to get the point across. Always know that you deserve better. You want love, not drama! Right?!!
I wish you the best, my dear!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): Youcannotbeserious:
"you shouldn't drink poison just because you are thirsty"
That is the best saying I have heard for a long time. But unfortunately we all do it bcos we refuse to believe it is poison.
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 August 2021):
 I think you know that neither of these guys is any good for you. You just need someone to reaffirm what you are thinking.
Your post reminds me of something I read once along the lines of "you shouldn't drink poison just because you are thirsty". Similarly, you shouldn't tolerate people who are not right for you just because you might be lonely.
Your ex is an ex for a reason. You know nothing has changed. You would not re-read a book, expecting the ending to change, so why go back to a relationship where you already know the outcome will not be good? Your first time with him was a mistake. Repeating the mistake is a CHOICE. Learn to make better choices.
As for the second guy, just reading what you wrote made my skin crawl. I would not have given a creep like him the time of day, let alone gone on a date with him. Block and move on. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, he most certainly won't when he is more comfortable with you.
You deserve better than either of these two.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (10 August 2021):
 I don't think that either of these guys are right for you, and i think in your hearts of hearts you already know this.
The first boyfriend was always to busy to have anytime for you, even when you were in hospital he could not bring himself to give you any of his time. You have had a second meeting with him and it appears nothing has changed from the first time around. Personally i don't think he will ever change, and this is the way he is.
The second guy is another big no no, its blatantly obvious what he is after, and more than likely once he gets it you won't see him for dust.
You can do better than both of these guys, neither of them are right for you, and they never will be.
You are better than them, let them go and get on with your life and start giving yourself some self love that you so rightly deserve.
Delete them, block them and say good ridance, and find someone who has time for you, and who loves and respects you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 August 2021):
 Neither.
Your ex didn't work out because you were not a priority, you still aren't and you won't be. You are just "entertainment and ego rub" for your ex. He has someone to talk to and get attention from but he isn't investing ANYTHING of himself or his time into this. So why bother with this fella again? didn't work out before, nothing has changed. Don't dig around the trash for someone you already ended it with.
The second guy "Online guy", is all about sex. You really should have cut him off when he DID NOT respect your boundaries the FIRST time you mentioned it was too soon to share "sexual details". His focus is on his own dick. Not you.
Come on, OP you know you can do better. BE picky, pay attention, stop ignoring red flags because you want a BF.
Wish both guys good luck, then block and move on.
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