A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are recently engaged and want to try premarital counseling. We have a good relationship but I think counseling will give us a chance to discover/discuss topics we may not have thought about. We also both agree that we need to work on communication as we are both the type to keep our thoughts to ourselves. For those that have gone through premarital/marital counseling, what topics were covered and what did you find helpful/not helpful? What should I expect and what are some good topics or questions to keep in mind? Lastly, how do you make the topic of premarital counseling "less scary" for the other half? I know this is a broad question but would appreciate any genuine advice.Thank you!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 February 2019):
 I did 12 weeks of it, and I'd say that it was the best thing we could have done! It saved so much friction and miscommunication in our marriage to learn and talk about things before we married.
I wholeheartedly recommend that you do it. The best kind is the kind that makes you evaluate whether you want to marry, or are ready to do so, or how your upbringings and environment will effect your communication and values.
The subjects we touched on were financial (budgeting, allocation of household financial planning and management) decision making as a couple, household chores and work, sex/sexuality, how to argue, how to deal with parents and in-laws, and ours also had a religious componant as well, even though that's not quite as important to people who are not religious.
It's good in premarital counseling to tackle assumptions in marriage, primarily what your roles in the relationship will be. If you aren't a traditionalist, yet your fiance is, and he doesn't step in with the household chores or feels threatened by not being the primary "provider", it's better to address that before the marriage and learn a better way to handle roles in the 21st century.
Also, spending vs. saving. Who is better with money? What are your financial goals? Do people like to travel? What are your short and long term family goals where children are concerned? You will fare so much better once you two talk about your expectations you're looking for in marriage.
I also think premarital counseling is fantastic because all too many times, once people decide to get married, it becomes all about the wedding, not the marriage, and a huge "What now??" comes up after the celebration dies down.
You'll learn things about your fiance that you never even thought of. Is it possible that red flags are uncovered during the counseling? Absolutely! After every session, you should be asking yourself "You still want to do this??" so that once you walk down the aisle, it's with no unanswered and as few unthought questions possible.
I've been married 20 years and counting, and the lessons I learned I still use today.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2019):
 At first I thought " Why premarital counseling if the relationship is good ? If it ain't broke don't fix it ! " then, on second thought, maybe you had just the right idea . Like going to the dentist when you have a full mouth of healthy teeth, rather than when it is ravaged by gum disease :)
Only, I would not keep it so broad spectrum as you see it, searching for general " stuff " which could be worthy being brought up. That could be ...everything; and after all, there's no counselor who can teach you how to love each other and how to live together , in a seamless happily ever after always free of any misunderstanding or difference.
I'd focus, instead, on something specific that you'd like to change and improve. For instance, as you say, working on communication if you are both the types who have trouble expressing themselves and who keep things inside ( which generally also leads to not dealing constructively with confrontations, harbouring grudges etc. ) This is something that a counselor can work with you on very simply and
" technically ", teaching you practical exercises and techniques , giving you " homework " so that you can monitor your progresses. Or, any other issue that YOU want to focus on. After all, a marital counselor is not , and it is not supposed to be, a counselor in the sense that a spiritual guru would be; his/ her job is not to teach you his/her vision about marriage or family or ? - but just to give you the technical tools to overcome the point/s where you may be struggling.
How to make it less scary for your partner ? ..Oh poor partner, if he has to feel " scared ", just don't go- it's not urgent, is it ? As we often say on DC, you can take the horse to the water but you cannot make it drink; so if the partner is not on board with seeing a counselor, if he ( or she ) is wary or reluctant or skeptical.. I doubt he'd get much benefit from your sessions anyway.
If you just mean that a very private person may feel a bit " strange " in talking about personal things to a perfect stranger- well, yes, that's quite possible. But here it depends a lot if you run into the " right " person ; an expert counselor who's worth his salt- and fees- will help you tactfully and will do his best to communicate with you and let you open up without ever acting invasive or judgemental.
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