A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was at my boyfriends been together two years and I went to sit down on the bed and saw his phone there so picked it up to move it as soon as I picked it up he snatched it out my hand now I am thinking is he hiding something from me? Has anyone got any ideas I feel a bit anxious now like I don't know something what should I do Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (11 February 2019):
 I think every couple goes through a "Phone Phase' at one point or other in their relationship.
Although I do agree that the phone is the best answer to whether a guy is cheating on you or not.
I don't lock my phone, so anyone can take it and look through it at their leisure. I don't care. I have caught my boyfriend looking at it on occasions.. again, I don't care.
On the other hand, my boyfriend locks his phone.. now it's advanced to face recognition!! LOL I don't care to look at his phone and if I want to see something I will just ask him to unlock it for me.
What I've realized is that if he is going to cheat.. he will, with or without his phone... and if he is cheating YOU WILL KNOW! TRUST ME - YOU WILL KNOW.
My best advice is to talk to him about it. Ask to have access to his phone and share your access as well. Not to say that you will check on him all the time, but it's part of a relationship to trust each other to have access to personal info. See what he says. Don't get mad - just ask the questions you want answers to in a calm manner. Cuz once you start getting mad, he will feel you're accusing him!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2019): Clearly not a proof for cheating but definitely a red flag. There can be things other than cheating which he wants you to not see or maybe he WANTS you to have something to worry about by acting like there's something to hide (make you feel jealous). Yes, there are all kinds of losers out there. The reason could be many, but conclusion is a red flag. If you can't trust a guy to be both clean and secure, you're dealing with someone who has a problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 Whilst I don’t think that snatching the phone alone would be enough to arouse suspicion, I think coupling it with the fact he’s always asking who you’re messaging raises questions.
I don’t like anyone touching my phone, regardless of who it is. I have nothing on there to hide at all. I could hand it to my GF to look through and she wouldn’t find me doing anything I shouldn’t. That’s not the point though, the point is it’s his property and he doesn’t want you to have hold of it, that’s fair enough. You weren’t trying to look, I get that and his reaction does seem over the top as opposed to just asking for it back.
The fact that he’s asking who you’re messaging suggests that he could be suspicious of you. He may think you’re messaging other guys or doing things you shouldn’t be doing. This is a VERY common thing that’s done from people who are cheating or doing things they shouldn’t be their self. They feel like other people are doing what they are and they’re projecting their insecurities onto their partner.
Chi girl made a good point in pulling your partner up on his behaviour. If he’s on the spot he has no time to think of a bullshit answer. Ask him about it and see what you find out.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 So he is always asking who you message and tries to see what is on your phone? To me that is a red flag when you combine it with his possessiveness over his own phone. People who have something to hide tend to believe everyone else has something to hide too, and will be trying to «catch» others in it. So his behavior with his phone, combined with his behavior towards your phone, would make me suspicious.
Im not saying you should snoop. But maybe confront him. Most people are unable to tell a good lie when put on the spot.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): follow up -
first of all I NEVER SPYED on his phone at all!! I don't even know what make of phone it is nevermind anything else !! I merely moved it out of the way to avoid sitting on the phone it was in a shut case anyway and he snatched it quite aggressively which to me is a bit over the top and unnecessary.
he himself is always asking me who I am texting when im on the phone and trying to look and I don't hide anything.
I disagree its none of my business if my partner is acting this way its a red flag
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2019): Please excuse these errors or typos!
Corrections:
"As a respectable woman, how would it feel if your partner secretly contacted all your friends, relatives, and acquaintances to ask personal-questions about you?"
"I'm not surprised by the same flaws found in everybody else."
" He would have equal-right to be concerned about what you yourself might be hiding."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2019): Why does everyone think your partner's devices will reveal all their hidden secrets? Like there's some big clandestine or undercover-life being hidden from you? All men don't live double-lives; and innocent-men shouldn't be tossed on the manure-pile with the asshats who do!
This comes-up almost every other post; so lets seriously address it.
Men are very much aware there's a common habit among insecure women to want to spy on them; and to snoop through their devices as a means of pacifying their uncontrolled insecurities; or just for the sake of being nosy. It's a matter of principle, not necessarily guilt. I'm not stupid and denying the possibility of impropriety; but I strongly condemn unnecessary paranoia, and blatant disrespect of privacy.
It's insulting, intrusive, disrespectful of another person's right to privacy, it's none of your business what's on another person's phone; and we're given the option of having pass-codes for a reason. You don't check all your rights at the door when you commit to a relationship.
Some things are none of my business. I just have to trust my partner out of love and respect. I want that in-return. Let evidence surface by whatever means; I'm not going to go digging for it out of insecure-curiosity. So many women do it, that it's becoming a common-nuisance. If not a crime! So he reacted as many guys (and ladies) might!
As a respectable women, how would it feel if your partner secretly contacted all your friends, relatives, and acquaintances to ask personal-questions about you? Had a secret chat with your boss? Checked your credit and personal-background; to see if you're promiscuous, cheating, or have bad-credit? Same offense as going through his devices without permission. He might discover a reason that would justify dumping you. Has he any right to? I guess he has to risk it! In any committed-relationship either party faces equal risk somebody might cheat. What you see on a phone or device could be misleading or misinterpreted.
Everyone has stuff they don't wish to share with other people. Everyone prefers to give their permission over others simply taking liberties with their privacy. How would you feel if you caught him going through your purse, your underwear drawer, or rummaging through your closet? Checking the labels on your garments for your "real" size? Checking your birth certificate to see if you're the race you claim you are, or who's your real daddy?
I'm saying all this to make a point. Spying is becoming an epidemic! Many guys are oversensitive to it!
Distrust is offensive! It's exactly how anyone feels when their partner doesn't trust them; and thinks spying is going to make them feel more secure. It's so common that men are really resentful when women go after their devices. It's almost a sickness. So any signs of it sets-off an alarm!
I don't want to peer into the darkest recesses of another person's life by any intrusive way or means. I'll take my chances, and believe in those I love. If by accident I discover something bad; then I will deal with it. You can't really bury the truth, it rises to the surface on its own.
I will not create unsubstantiated crap in my mind to make myself appear distrustful, suspicious, or insecure to my beloved. Why should I be? I'm human and I make mistakes. I'm not surprised by that same flaws in everybody else. We all have to remember this. Snooping is also cheating.
Devices may reveal things; but how did people maintain good relationships when they didn't have technology for unfair advantage? They had to rely on trust. Seeking dirt on other people opens a can of worms; and then you have to know what to do about what you've dug-up! Then what? Everybody says and does bad things. You don't want everyone to know every nitty-gritty thing about you! Certainly not through your devices.
I'm sorry you got caught-up in the fray of male-paranoia; because he probably had a previous girlfriend who did go through his phone. It's one of those things guys hate! It's a bad sign that reflects unfavorably on women. Men too! I know guys are guilty of it. It's one of our feminine-traits!
I meant that sarcastically towards men, not women!
I have nothing to hide; but my phone is my personal-property. If you want to know something, ask me. I might lie? Let he who has never lied cast the first stone?
Don't start creating suspicion based on the fact he didn't want you touching his phone. I think it was mostly a reflex. Caused by a flashback from a past bad-experience. Yes, he may have some embarrassing things on it too. None-ya!!!
Just as you're assuming he has something to hide; he is assuming you're being nosy and don't trust him. Maybe now He has unintentionally drawn suspicion by snatching the phone. If that is what he actually did. I'll give him some benefit of the doubt. He probably didn't really mean to!
So what if he has something on the phone you won't like? It's his phone, and he doesn't need permission. You might have stuff on your phone he despises; but he doesn't care.
I also know there's the possibility of embellishment or exaggeration to drive home a point, or for dramatic-effect.
Posts are a one-sided account of an incident. The other-side doesn't get to explain their position or opinion. They don't get to defend themselves. All our responses are subjective.
We weren't there; so we have to view it from all angles.
Snatching was rude, but I suspect it was an impulse; because it is obviously something he finds offensive. I would to. I'm not childish enough to snatch things from people; unless they won't let-go, attempt to steal something, or won't give it to me when asked.
Yes, people can be over-protective when you touch their personal-property. If you have a history of spying, or you are very insecure; then his reaction is just follow-up to what he has experienced with you from the past.
Let it go. Don't let curiosity or nosiness get the better of you. He would have equa- right to be concerned about what you yourself might be hiding. You wouldn't like that. You feel he should trust you; because you believe he should take you at face-value? It does go both-ways!
People are innocent until proven guilty. They are not guilty on suspicion. The best cases are built on mounting evidence. Not ambiguous circumstantial-evidence alone. That's why they go through so many people before you can be chosen as a juror. To avoid prejudice, bias, and paranoia.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 February 2019):
Unless he has been acting suspicious, I wouldnt put any meaning to this. People have grown extremely attached to their phones ever since the smartphone came.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 February 2019):
 I thin k Cindy clarified what I was thinking too.
I don't "guard" my phone, but I also don't like others to grab it or fiddle with it (unless I have asked for that). My kids put Pokemon Go on my old phone (because their old ones didn't support the game and mine did) and I really didn't like that.
I have a passcode on my phone (EVERYONE should!!) but the whole household knows it. Knowing my passcode doesn't mean I WANT or LIKE people going through my phone. It just means that IF they need to use a phone, theirs aren't charged or they can't find theirs (lol happens a lot) they ASK and then use my phone.
And I HAVE nothing! to hide from anyone. Na da!
So before jumping to conclusions of cheating or he HAS to be hiding something BAD from you, consider how he is.
Could be that he has porn on his phone. Or some selfies he doesn't want to share, gift ideas for you, vacation idea or whatever... OR it can be that he thought YOU wanted to GO through his phone. IF he is like me (and Cindy) he might not have anything to hide but he doesn't want to be "inspected" by you either.
You KNOW him. So is this out of the norm or perhaps something that doesn't mean SQUAT?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2019):
 This is impossible to answer without a bit of background.
For instance, what is your normal policy about using and touching each other phones ? Would that be an absolute first for him, or is he usually a bit territorial about his things ?
For instance, I guard my things ferociously, if somebody should tell me " Oh I'll just put this ( comb, mirror, cash- whatever ) back into your purse , or drawer " I'd BITE him at the jugular , I guess. No reason why. My life is an open book, there might have been moments in my past where I may have had some little skeletons in my closet , but nowadays my purse, pockets, phone, drawers, could be inspected by the Pope in person and he would not find anything questionable at all.
That's .. just the way I am, I guess.
So maybe your bf is a bit protective of his stuff, and he's got this " snatch " reflex, that's all.
Then again, if instead so far you have always being reading each other's messages and gave each other PC passwords etc.- and all of a sudden he gets " private ", well, yeah , it might mean something.
Sudden changes tend to mean something- although not necessarily what you are , I suppose, afraid of ( him cheating on you ). He may have on the phone something that he does not want to share with you, in ref. to his family or money or work etc.- so yes technically he would be hiding things from you- OTH is he bound to full disclosure of anything in his life anytime ? I think not.
Which leads me to : why this phone snatching made you instantly worried ? There are other episodes, other things he has been strange or secretive about ?
In other words : why just snatching is phone back was enough to make you think of monkey business ? ( if this is what you are worried about , and I think it is ). I mean, it's not necessarily the first thing which comes to mind in lack of other " symptoms ".
He could as well be hiding from you - that he bought you a surprise gift.
Or that , in a bad mood after a tiff, he said something not too nice about you to a friend or family member . Or , that he's got on his phone a pic of a supermodel in a bikini, and he suspects this could put your nose out of joint.
Minor things, stupid stuff that nonetheless he prefers not to show you .
But you get " worried " at once : how come ? Do you trust him ? Is he trustworthy ,so far ? Did you ever catch him in the past exchanging nude pics or inappropriate texts with other girls ? Does he flirt a lot , has he got a roving eye ?...
So, alas, if you want to know if you SHOULD be worried, the answer can only be a lame : it depends. From many different things which we have no idea about.
...............................
|
