A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157In one of the other questions, I came across this link that indicates when you are in a relationship with a 'Loser'. There are about 20 attributes / behavioral patterns listed which indicate if you are in an abusive relationship.I am even scared to accept that I fit all the definitions of being the abuser in my marriage. On a severity scale of 1-10, I think I am a 70-75 % match in ALL the listed characteristics. Does that mean I am an abuser and I need psychological help? Based on that study, I have listed some of my characteristics here:1. When my husband angered me in the past, I have kicked him, shoved him, pulled his hair, hurled things at him. On many occasions.2. I fall in love very quickly, I feel committed and offer unconditional love and attention to a partner even if the relationship is very new. I do struggle getting over people, but I manage to move on quickly and for good. 3. My temper is unpardonable. Even I don’t know what triggers it. And it is HORRIBLE, UGLY and just plain disgusting. 4. I am not comfortable with my husband’s family. I feel they are interfering and controlling. And they have given me a few reasons to feel that way.5. I ALWAYS blame my husband for my anger. I feel I am justified in feeling that way because he does things to upset me. 6. I do not keep a tab on my husband but occasionally check his email or phone. 7. I have a huge issue coming to terms with my husbands past. I always grill him about details and always end up yelling and cursing him. Maybe my anger is because he cheated on me with his ex?8. I am never able to keep a tab on my anger. Not at work, public, among family, NEVER. My anger just takes over me. 9. I do realize my husband is a great guy, but I am seldom able to look over his faults. I constantly find faults in his behavior.10. I do have a strong sense of entitlement. I don’t always do a lot about things when they are not happening my way, but I find it very very difficult to accept that I am helpless if I can’t have my way about something I want done or I feel is the right way.11. Many of my friends and family have pointed that I need help keeping my anger under control.12. My husband always complains about the way I make him feel. He feels his situation is like walking on egg shells and he feels he needs to be ‘careful’ when talking to me.13. When I am angry and hurt, my husbands feelings are never likely to match my hurt and I am never likely to accept his explanation.14. I have no friends. I don’t like many people in my life. I find faults with everyone. I can’t forgive people for their silliest of mistakes. I am hardly social.15. My husband says I drive him mad with my behavior. He says he is scared to be honest with me because I will lead it into an ugly fight.Someone please tell me if I am an abusive person and if I am putting my marriage in trouble and pose any danger to my husband? I need to know what I am doing wrong and I will seek professional help if need be. I want a normal life. And a happy marriage. And be able to provide a good home to my children when we have them. If I am a dangerous person, I really feel I should not be thinking of having babies. But most importantly, I don’t think my husband deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): I think you should get counseling for yourself and then marriage counseling. Has your husband ever said that you abuse him? you seem just a little unstable. However. I am the same way. We are all human. You have recognized your faults and are doing something about it. Kudos.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): Sorry, but I must answer Ms Anonymous female......(19th July 2008) PLEASE GO AND SEE YOUR DOCTOR TODAY !!!!
Feeling ugly and dark, is a very, very bad place to be. YOU MUST GO TO YOUR DOCTOR STRAIGHT AWAY. Don't be afraid, but you need some help and support right away, the doctor can explain why you feel like this and he will be able to help you. Please don't delay, please go and see your doctor today. They can help you, everything will be alright. Don't worry, you haven't done anything wrong. Big, big Hugs. Please go and see your doctor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): Hi there, Sometimes I feel exactly like you, it's like this black darkness comes over you, I've got the most amazing husband, gentle, caring, the best type ever, but some days I just get so ugly, so dark .. it even scares me .. The worst is, at the time, you know it's wrong, but you just can't stop it, it is like the words just keep on coming, they don't even mean anything to you, but boy, do they hurt the person you are throwing them at! I know my husband loves me to the end of this world, but I also know my actions are killing this love bit by bit .. and some days I find myself wondering, one day, when I'm old and wrinkly, will he remember the good stuff, on only these bad things? I am trying real hard to change, ulike u I have 3 kids .. I don't want to end up old and lonely because of my abuse behaviour, I pray that God would put a guard in front on my mouth ... good luck to you, may it all work out for you, it takes a lot to admit that you have problem like this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): You asked,so presumably you want the truth. Yes, you are an abuser.
You really need to get some serious help with your mental condition, because that is what it is. You may need some medication, definitely some counseling and pscyhiatric help and you need it immediately. Today, tomorrow at the latest.
I am not being judgemental on you, but you definitely need help. I will be honest, if you don't change immediately, I see no chance and I mean no chance of your marriage enduring.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Sorry babes, thanks for being so honest with us here. The signs don't look good. But no problem, now you can see where you've gone wrong you can try and fix things. There's one good light, I noticed your thinking of your husband and the damage this is doing to him. That is kind of you. Professional counselling will definately show you new ways to cope when you feel yourself getting angry. You need to talk to somebody about the way you feel, and learn how to see the triggers that start you off.
Here's a link to get you started.... http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anger_management.php
Anyway take care of you, you've made a very big step. It must have been frightening to read and even more frightening to tell us these things. You've been very brave, Well done.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Oh yeah you need to get yourself some counseling ASAP. You aren't happy, your husband isn't happy and therefore your marriage is in big jeopardy. Make an appointment today, honey. And stay on birth control until you have yourself in the right place mentally.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Well, the fact that you can ask wether you are an abuser is at least an hopeful sign. Most abusers are never capable of accepting they might have a problem.
Yes it does sound like you got a real problem, so do something about it? Seek professional help in dealing with your anger and control issues. Not just for the sake of your husband and unborn children but for yourself.
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