A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years. We own a place together. We broke up for a few months a couple of years ago (my instigation), but missed each other and got back together. However, the things that broke us up haven’t really been resolved. I wanted kids, he didn’t. I like to explore and travel to new places – he likes going to the same place on holiday every year. I like sex, he has never been hugely interested in it. I often feel frustrated it’s down to me to make the decisions in the relationship. When I bring up my concerns, he either gets angry or he cries. I know that all sounds really critical, but here’s the flip side and the reason why we’ve stayed together so long – he’s a kind, decent, generous guy and my best friend. We have a similar sense of humour and enjoy each other’s company. Yet last year when he asked me to marry him – a sweet proposal, in New York – my gut reaction was one of horror. We’ve hardly spoken about it since, but I can’t stop thinking about whether the fairest and honest thing would be to break up. However, I’m scared – it would be a huge upheaval, chances are at 39 I won’t meet anyone else, and most of all it would break my heart and probably his. Should I settle for a comfortable, if sheltered, life with my best friend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): chances are at 39 you won't meet anyone else?? where on earth do you get that notion? most people I know who are divorced and remarried, met their new spouses in their 40s and beyond.
if your automatic reaction to his marriage proposal was a feeling of horror, that pretty much says that you shouldn't marry him. Your gut feelings are usually right, when they are based on years of experiences.
maybe you don't have to break up instead what you need is to work on those unresolved differences in a more productive way. You could try seeing a couples therapist.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 January 2013):
 Hi
Are you in love with him? I don't think you are,when a man proposes you don't look at him in horror when he does.
As to staying with him, it would be easy to,your comfortable together,have a home together you have 10years history and are great friends.Theres nothing wrong with that and for many it would be enough.They would 'settle'.
However if your not happy, it is definately not stupid to 'go it alone'. Why wouldn't you meet somebody else? Your boyfriend would be free to meet somebody as well.
It will take time, you have to get over the break-up, have some time out for you, doing as you please. Then you start the dating game. There is not 'cut-off' age for meeting THE one.As for children,it may come down to adoption, there's no guarantee WHEN you will meet somebody,it could take 3-4 yrs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): You should end it
because although he has good qualities your not ever going to be happy in this relationship when the problems still exist. And you wouldn't be too old to find someone new because there is men out there who are in the same boat as you. And if you really want kids then you need to find someone who also wants kids before its too late because you don't want to stay in this relationship then realise one day that you really don't want to be in it any longer and it be too late to have kids. So you need to end the relationship so that when your ready you can look for someone new
who also shares your interests and likes and be more happy in life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 39 is young.
do not stay with him because you are afraid to be alone.
end it
take time to get over it totally and figure out how you like your life... once you like YOU and where you are in your life
then you can figure out how to add someone special to your life.
my girlfriend just got married in september for the first time at 40. her husband a first time groom also... 52!
my hubby just married for the first time at 39... I'm 52.
my dad was widowed at 61... he met a woman shortly after and they have been together for 17 years.
IF the only reason you stay is fear of being alone and being OLD at 39, you are missing out... 39 is YOUNG.
enjoy.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 January 2013):
 Of course you will meet someone else aged 39, your life isnt over just because you are 39! Do you think 100% of people aged 39+ are married or in relationships? There are going to be millions of other single people out there who are similar ages to you, and you will have plenty of options.
It wont be easy to leave him when you have had such a long relationship, I guess it is just a shame that you got back together when you hadnt resolved any of the issues that caused you to break up in the first place. But it sounds to me like you are just friends who live together, you are completely different in what you want from life and that is just not a recipe for a successful relationship.
You are going to resent him hugely for taking away your chance to have children, if you stayed with him you are going to grow bitter over time when it comes to children, you will see them in the street and get angry and upset with him that he took away your chance to be a mother. As you grow old, and see your friends with their grandkids, you will look at him and realise there is just the 2 of you, no family to be with you at the end, and that will be so hard to deal with.
You have wasted too much time with him already, if you had stayed away from him when you broke up last time you could have had children far easier when you were 36/37 than you are when you are 40+. You may have to accept that you missed your chance for biological children now, but as the other post said you can still adopt and try IVF so there are still options. My best friend's mum was 41 when she had her so all is not lost, but you need to get out of this relationship NOW if you are serious about having children.
It sounds to me like you are totally different people with totally different ideas about what you want from life, it really surprises me you have lasted this long! I mean your outlook on kids is different, most people would have left immediately if they found something like that out. Then you are totally different when it comes to sex, so there cannot be much passion in your lives hence why it must be like living with a friend, rather than a 'partner'. And then you dont have the same ideas on travel, that is not so much of a big deal but it does show that your personalities are just too different for you to ever be compatible.
I think you know deep down that he is not right for you and he doesnt give you what you want from a relationship, but you are just scared of leaving the familiar and going out into the big wide world.
This is probably your last chance to get out there and get what you want from life, if you leave it a few more years you can wave goodbye to children and you would struggle to even adopt aged 45+ as the authorities dont want the children to be with older parents who cant run around after them and wont be around for long enough to see them grow up etc.
There are plenty more people out there, you will meet someone but you have to be brave and take that leap. Otherwise you are going to be stuck with your friend, wondering what a real relationship would like and wishing you had a family of your own.
It is your choice, and I know it is a tough choice, but I cant understand why anyone would stick with someone for friendship when everything they ever wanted in life is out there waiting for them, but slowly slipping away as time goes on.
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