A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi everyone,Just wondering what your opinions are on my current predicament. Thank you in advance for reading and advising. I'm 27, my boyfriend is 32. When we began dating 2 years ago we were clear that we didn't want to date for long as we'd both been through upsetting break-ups. We both wanted to get married and have a family ultimately. 2 years later and we're still dating. He is very scared to tell his parents about me although tells me each time I get upset about this matter that we will get married. I am reassured briefly and then I start to fret again a few months later and it all starts again. He is still in contact with his ex-girlfriend (who he dumped after his parents were very critical of her after 6 years of dating!). I find their contact quite upsetting too but I am getting better at being less jealous. I think I am impatient because I finish my graduate medical training in the next 18 months and my flatmate leaves in the next 6 months. I asked him this weekend where he thinks I should live when my flatmate leaves and whether I should transfer to his area (which is 80 miles from me at the moment). He was rather disinterested and just brushed me off with a 'we'll think about it later'. I have mini-breakdowns about when we will and if we will get married every couple of months as the thought of him leaving scares me. My last one was in January following the engagement of his sister and a very sad email from his ex-girlfriend that he showed me 'to promote honesty between us' saying that she still loves him and cries over him every day.Am I pushing him away by asking about marriage every couple of months? I feel that couples should discuss where they are both heading and make plans. He's very last minute in things like this and always reassures me by saying 'we will get married, I will tell my parents'..but he hasn't done so yet. He is incredibly successful in work which keeps him super busy as well. I am not so busy and I just wonder if I have too much time to think about this. What should I do? I love him and I enjoy our time together but when we are apart (and even sometimes when we are together) I fret over these marriage worries all the time. I just wish he would tell his mother so that we could plan our future together (or apart) as this situation is really upsetting for me.Please help me!many many thanks in advance to you all
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ex girlfriend, flatmate, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): Hey Isha!
OK: first things first, marriage isn't the issue here. It really isn't. Marriage is NOT something that should step in at the end of a non-committal dating phase to heave a flagging relationship to the next level. That's a recipe for disaster. Instead, it's something that should be reached for only when the two of you feel completely and utterly in love, and utterly certain that you want to be together forever.
You have good cause to feel upset about the way you're being treated here, but having a ring on your left hand is not going to take that away. For some reason, this guy is less than committed to you - he hasn't done ANY of the things that a guy who really wanted to be with you would automatically do, like clarifying the situation with his ex, introducing you to parents/friends as his partner. A man who wanted you by his side would be trying as hard as he could to integrate you completely into his life. He doesn't even care that he's upsetting you! In spite of the fact that you've asked repeatedly for some clear message about where you stand, in spite of the fact that this situation is placing you under considerable stress, he just keeps putting you off.
Where's your head, girl? You're clearly a very bright young lady to be pursuing the career that you are, and you must also be a caring, kind, dedicated person. Don't you think that those, in themselves, are qualities that a guy should jump to have in a girlfriend? Don't you think that you're letting yourself down just a little bit, running after this guy and begging him to commit to you? Surely, the perfect guy would do that automatically? And isn't that what you deserve?
My boyfriend is also 5 years older than me, and very successful. So I know how easy it can be to compare yourself negatively with a partner who is older and more successful. BUT sweetheart - bear in mind that he has 5 years over you, and not just any 5 years - a really crucial 5 years during which careers tend to develop out of all recognition. You will see this happen to you- in 18 months you'll be qualified, and in another three years after that, you'll be well on your way towards a settled and brilliant career either in general practice or in a specialist area. So stop thinking you're not good enough for this bloke and start saying to yourself that when you're his age, you'll be whipping his ASS!
A
female
reader, a1sha +, writes (16 March 2011):
a1sha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everyone who has replied. I didn't make it clear in my summary that I am White british and from a rather dysfunctional uneducated family whereas my boyfriend is Egyptian and from a very close-knit family of professors! His ex-girlfriend was white French and very educated. He insists that he would never cheat and I know that she us in France and we're in uk so I do trust him about this. His family, especially his parents have an inherrent hatred of White people (which I know is wrong but that's what I'm facing!) and I think he is terrified of their response when he tells them about me.
If I moved I would just be transferring my training, not stopping it but thank you so much for your advice regarding that.. Very sensible!
What can I do? I love him but I feel exactly as you have all picked up on..that I'm being strung along until something better and more suitable to his family turns up. Maybe I'm being impatient.. At least he has mentioned marriage and maybe he has plans to tell them soon and pushing will make it worse? I'm just not sure whether to enjoy the present as best i can or put on the pressure about marriage? If so, how do I bring it up again? Thanks in advance for all your help with this horrible situation I have gotten myself into
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): One thing that no one else has commented on yet--stay where you are so you can finish your medical degree. Education is critically important, and no one should give up completing their education for a relationship. No matter how often you tell yourself that you'll go back and finish, it's very difficult to do so once you leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I very much agree with Jmtmj. He's an adult man who's successful in his job; he doesn't need to overly impress his parents with the woman he loves and wants to marry. Not being introduced to them or them being told that he wants to marry you or at least loves you is very fishy. And at 27 and 32 and dating two years, I don't think you're asking too much with the whole marriage thing.
To top it all off, he's still emotionally involved with his ex-girlfriend. If his parents did, in fact, tear apart his relationship with her, he might still be in love with her as well.
Cold, hard facts: It doesn't sound like he's that into you.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Oh wow... marriage is not what should be concerning you right now...
He hasn't told his parents about you...
There is no excuse for him not to have told them after being with you for two years... He's keeping you at a distance and if I'm entirely honest, I doubt he sees a future with you.
That of course doesn't stop him from keeping you on the hook by saying he'll marry you one day. Rubbish. Somethings seriously wrong with this picture.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 My advise to you would have been to be patient and stop pushing him. Until I read that he hasn't even introduced you to his family as his fiance or his girlfriend....
What the heck is up with that??
This is a huge red flag that your instincts are right to be worried about how sincere his really is. Something fishy is going on here. Ok I understand that his parents may ruined his last relationship, but he should have learned from that, that he needs to stand up to them and say this is my girlfriend whom I love and plan to marry.
You guys can either accept her/us as couple, and be part of lives or not. But I will not allow you to interfer with this relationship the way you have in the past. It is your choice.
The second thing that worries me is all the contact with the ex that says she still loves him and wants him back.
If he wasn't afraid of what his parents would say, would he want her back too? Is that why he hasn't married me yet? I would wonder.
You don't say but there must be another reason why he is hiding you from his family besides them breaking him and his ex up? Why is he so afraid to stand up to them?
Is there an inheritance or something that he is afraid to lose?
I think the answers to these questions will be key to helping you figuring this out. I hope you write back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Hello, I too worry about bugging my boyfriend about marriage. But I think that him not telling his mother is a major sign of an issue. It's almost as if he doesnt respect you. And talking to the ex girlfriend is another thing I'd worry about. Even if he doesnt have feelings for her it is unhealthy if she does for him still. The main thing I have realized(as a very jealous person) if that you just need to explain to him about how much this worries you. Try not to cry, it is annoying to a lot of guys. and dont get angry just talk. If he loves you he will listen and hopefully tell his parents and give you an answer about your future together. And the ex-gf thing explain that it makes you uncomfortable and try to have him put it in the reverse perspective, but dont act like you are bossing him around. Hope it helps, Good luck
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