A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:Question: Am I over-reacting?I know is that I have been in a period where I have cut myself off from friends and family. I think I've been trying to sheild them from how I have been feeling - or maybe I feel embarrassed. In any case I haven't felt great. Also, like many people at the moment, I lost my job due to the current climate and I have found it hard to get back in to work. I have been interviewing and hopefully something will happen soon. As far as my relationship is concerned there is not much change. In fact soon after my last question was posted she fell ill and I have spent the last 6 weeks doing my best to support and look after her. Without going in to detail she developed a conditon that can be very painful (not life threatening) but can be distressing. This has been a pattern in our relationship - when she needs me I have been there for her but when the need is gone it's almost as if I am surplus to requirements.I haven't been able to have the conversation with her about how I feel. She know's I love and care for her but she hardens whenever I begin to talk and I know I have to stop becase she gets so angry and cold. I want to relate something of our existance together - to try to give you an idea of how things are. Last week we were at a BBQ which was a last get together for all the people who had been working on a project she had been involved with. I had spent a week helping her with the set up and funded that side of things. At the BBQ she spent most of the time talking to an ex of hers and his friends. This ex wasn't a serious relationship - just physical as she described it - and she was involved with him when we first got together. Her ex and his mates were nothing to do with the project but had turned up anyway as he lives close by. After clearing the room we had been working in and buying wine for the farwell drinks I joined the party to find my partner kneeling and talking to her ex with her hand on his knee. I waited for a quite a while and then left the party to go back to the room to pack up some of the final things. When I returned she was still with him. I feel ashamed to say that I didn't feel good about this as he was not particularly gentlemanly when we first got together and used to talk in front of me about thinigs they used to do together when they were involved - including them laughing about things together in a sort of clique without explaining anything to me. I used to sit quietly feeling cut out.The people who had been working on the project were a really nice bunch and she said she wanted to get to know them better in order to make contacts for future work but in the end she spent only about 40 mins out of 5 hours with them - and that was at the end of the evening. She doesn't like me to be at her side in social situations because she says she likes to 'do my own thing'. Also she finds it difficult to introduce me to people and often won't introduce me at all. I used to be shy when I was young and this sometimes make me feel not considered. Due to my work I am much more confident now but I do like to feel that I 'belong' or am with someone or have a reason to be there.Question: I would like to know if you feel I am over reacting regarding my feelings toward her spending so much time with her ex at the party.After the party I drove back and she wanted more to drink. I had a glass of wine with her but didn't realise that she had consumed so much alcohol. I spoke to her and her eyes were blank. She got angry because she coupln't remember where she had put her handbag - it was only five feet away from her in the hall and visible from the kitchen. She then started to become cold and started calling me 'weird' and swearing at me. I tried to get her to drink water but she wouldn't. She did eat a little. Her feet were black from wearing no footwear at the BBQ and I suggested we get ready for bed but she just wanted to get in to the clean bed still wearing her work clothes (they can get dusty with various products she uses). I tried to encourage her to change and offered to clean her feet so she could just sleep. She became very abusive and continued swearing at me. She calmed down and fell asleep after that. The next day she woke and was a different person. She was sweet and quiet and wanted affection and hugs. She was suffering from a bad hangover and had to go back to bed. I was working from home contacting potential employers all day but from time to time she asked for water etc. She didn't rememeber many things about the previous day and denied swearing at me and said that it must have been my fault that she got angry with me. The next day I helped her remove all the stuff from the Project room and carry it back to the van and then drive it back to the storage place.When we had unloaded she had to drive back to her place and I had to drive back to mine. After that I didn't hear from her for 2 days. We spend every night either at mine or hers so I started to become worried when her phone was off for more than 24 hours. I drove round to her place after speaking to a close friend who agreed that I should try to see if she was ok. Her car was there with some of the things still still in it from the day before but she was gone. I contacted a mutual friend who had not heard from her and then spent a second sleepless night. The next day I called again and her phone rang out twice. Then she answered. I asked her if she was ok and I let her know that I had been concerned. She was cold on the phone and told me she just didn't want to switch her phone on.I asked where she was but she didn't tell me exactly and I explained that if she had just sent a text to let me know she needed a bit of space or was busy, that I would not have worried. I feel she knew I would have worried as most times she will at least text in the evening even if she doesn't want to speak. I always try to let her know if I'm delayed or have to change my plans and have to stay over due to work or family and I think this is the most considerate thing to do when in a relationship. She says she doesn't see why she has to 'ask my permission' as she puts it to turn her phone off. I feel it's common decency and basic consideration to let someone know. I feel I'm being punished. She was angry that she had 'wasted' a day due to her hangover.Question: Am I over-reacting? About a week ago I made contact with a couple of trusted old friends again. I have decided to try to build back the friendship and support. A good friend called me to check if I had heard from her and he was really supportive. He said that he felt it may be the alcohol making her act this way.Thank you for taking the time to read this.It is appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): sounds to me like this woman keeps you around for when she needs you, others times would rather you just dissappear until needed again. man... listen up! get away from her, don waste your time on this one. if you hang around, one day you will be told that you are over as she has met someone else. get out now
A
male
reader, holikdad  +, writes (9 July 2009):
I don't think that you're over reacting, I think your GF is a user.
I know this is easier for me to say than you to do but you need to get out of this relationship now. Dump her like bad garbage. She loves to have you around when you're making money and waiting on her hand and foot, but she feels it's ok to discard you whenever the whim hits her.
She doesn't have that right, you're a human being with feelings and she needs to be considerate of them. Cut off all contact with her, phone, texting, everything. You'd be better off moving on with someone who will love and respects you.
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