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Am I on the right track? How else should / could it be done?

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Question - (7 November 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 8 November 2014)
A male Canada age 22-25, *unk writes:

Hi Dearcupid, I came across this website when google prompted me to a question regarding the use of prostitutes. And seeing how the person who asked the question got adequate help, I too am seeking advice.

I am a 19 year old, tall, athletic, handsome male.

And I've never had a girlfriend, and the sexual frustration has made me go through some dumb stages. I will present to you my evolution chronologically and you can make an assessment if you please.

Growing up, in highschool I discovered porn and became a frequent user, turned abuser by the time I graduated. I can only guess that the latter was the product of unfulfilled desires, and would impede the frustration even further. Looking back I realize that I became hooked to novelty and obscenity and grew desensitized to the natural pleasures of engaging with the opposite sex, whether banter, touch or even kissing.

I only started going out in my last year of highschool, and I realized that I am attractive simply because I get hit on just by being there, without doing anything, but I'm lost. I grew up without a father and everything I've learnt with girls has been trial and error + collecting data from the internet.

I lost my virginity to an expensive prostitute, ... Needless to say, it wasn't grand. I started dating girls but damn, one after the other I got stood up and I feel like I just don't even care to try because I feel like I know she's gonna end it at some point for reasons beyond my control. Please note the maximum time I've been seeing a girl is 2 months. So the porn addiction combined with the displeasure of dating, and the beginning of university lead me to the "Snatch-and-grab" carnal mentality so many college students possess. Fuck I feel stupid for diving in to that temporarily.. I had sex with a sorority girl, it sucked. I fingured the hottest girl on the dancefloor, I felt dirty. All the kissing strangers makes me feel like my kisses are easily replaceable. I just don't know! I don't even know what I'm asking. I've started to teach myself how to read body language to make out exactly who's interested in me because the girls who throw themselves at me are never the ones I fancy. This was a good investment in my time. I ask you; is it possible for a 19 year old guy, living with his mom, to find someone he is attracted to and compatible with? and to really hit it off? I don't care for hookups with strangers and the girls I fell for while dating, wrecked me, never had I taken drugs before dating. Now I am pushing myself to approach girls on the street if one I fancy comes my way because I just don't know where else. High energy parties always end in miscellaneous carnal endeavors because not a single soul cares for who you are/could represent for them. I just don't see myself hanging around places at night to meet someone because I loathe wasting my time, and I have high aesthetic standards for girls just because I like it, I think it matches me and refuse to lower it. I have since given up pornography and masturbation in order to recalibrate my reward circuitry, I have eased the usage of recreational substances, and have given up alcohol in order to maintain optimal testosterone levels. I have been focused on bettering myself so that hopefully I can meet someone who cares for herself (not just physically) in a similar manner. PS: I'm in an engineering field in the 2nd best school in the country, have good grades, take up meditation to have good posture/focus, workout and run to release endorphins, love to read, joined the choir as a bass to develop a voice fit for public speaking,... I am really working hard to make myself the exemplary male role model.

View related questions: drugs, kissing, lost my virginity, never had a girlfriend, porn, prostitute, the internet, university

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014):


You're 19 - you've all the time in the world!

You've done all the right things - sort yourself out, put yourself in the right place.

The final thing to do is just chill - don't put too much pressure on trying to find someone, all these parties probably aren't the place to find that special girl. She may come from anywhere, but before you know it, she'll will walk in to your life.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (8 November 2014):

janniepeg agony auntYes, you are able to attract the right woman. You are ambitious and smart. You might think going to clubs is what everyone else is doing but no. What I am saying here is going to be biased here just for the simple fact I am woman. Women who are more laid back have a much easier time finding sex. I live like a hermit and every single guy I had dated, after college is online. As for living with mom, well you have to be realistic about the fact that one third of thirty plus people still live with their parents. By the time you graduate no one knows how relationships would look like anymore. In your parents' generation, it's graduate college, get a job then buy a house. People born in 70's, they get a loan then slave off to pay for mortgage or rent. People who are born 90's or later would find themselves living with parents and sneaking a lover in when everybody else is asleep. Don't worry about societal pressures and being a right man to any woman. You have to know that a lot of pretty women are going for the top 10% of men who could afford a fancy life for them. There is no guarantee for life. Just because you are a successful does not mean the universe would cough up a pretty girlfriend for you. You can only do your best and live with no regrets. I know it's an uphill battle for you because it seems like women have a higher standard for a partner while at the same time it's hard to find one that's right for you.

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