A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Im at a point in my life where having and maintaining a healthy relationship is one of the most important concentrations i have. Ive accomplished everything else ive wanted to thus far, but have struggled getting my love life right and so ive been putting in a lot of self work. Thats why i come to this site for advice when i cant go anywhere else with my silly questions. I apologize for my tendency to ramble.Im dating a guy im extremely attracted to. Hes all around a great person, though a bit on the social butterfly side. We dated before for about 5 months until a girl on social media messaged me and said they were talking, but after i ended it he swore to my friends it was a misunderstanding. I was sent screenshots of him telling her he worked all weekend and was off sunday night, which actually he spent all weekend with me and told me he worked sundays. He accepted a nude from her etc. It was over a year after that in which we started dating again, which has now been 2 months. This round hes been seemingly more committed, opening up more and not as hard to talk to about things. But now his cousin who he lives with has invited yet another chick to come stay there. 3rd time. Its his cousins girlfriend from out of state but they have nothing in common. She seems to have way more in common with my boyfriend and every morning when my boyfriend gets off work he goes home and chills with her while her guy is at work. Its starting to bug me but im doing my best to keep my emotions under control. On top of that, he tells me someday he'll marry me and we'll be together forever, but he's never told me he loves me. I admit my relationships in the past where a bit unhealthy and fast moving so maybe im comparing this to that and taking it wrong. I love him and have told him that. Hes introduced me to all his friends and family and we hang out together pretty much every weekend, occasionally on a week day. I dont want to be possessive but there are times i dont hear from him for 15 hours straight and i have to do my best to be understanding etc. This relationship has really tested my patience in some areas but part of me thinks that might be a good thing. Another part of me feels i could get hurt and trust does have to be respected.I love myself and i wouldnt consider myself personally insecure because i know i can typically get any guy i want and he'll be crazy about me. So its funny im after the one with the most walls and chick friends. But my good qualities are that im super hot naked and im a load of fun and down to earth. The chicks not very pretty but she cooks for them everyday and is a doctor and really well to do for herself and a good conversationalist, well with my guy not hers or me. My guy was married to a lady somewhat like her for 10 years before we met. They divorced over arguing. Am i in over my head? Im just a normal chick who likes normal boundaries but i want a healthy relationship. Whats the best way to handle this for me, not anyone else, as i have to be selfish with myself a bit in this time of growth. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2020):
 EDIT:
"Because 2 months in, things should be complicated."
should have been...
Because 2 months in, things shouldn't be complicated.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2020):
Let's talk about that GF of your BF's cousin that he lives with.
You say: "She seems to have way more in common with my boyfriend ". The point SEEMS. The second point is, SHE is obviously DATING his cousin and thus is seen as part of the "family".
If you had a room mate and her BF was visiting, didn't know anyone really besies this GF and you, and the GF (your room mate) worked long hours or different hours than you) would you NOT be nice and social with this guy? He is after all staying in your home. And let's say you also got along great with this person, then why not?
My question is this, have you MET this GF of the cousin in person? Maybe you could make a point of getting to know her too? Instead of seeing her as a "semi threat". You mention she isn't a great conversationalist with you and her own BF... maybe she sense some hostility from you? And perhaps she is trying to get to know your BF because he is related to her BF, your BF is easy to talk to and he is genuinely trying to get to know her. (and I don't think in a Biblical way). You mention he is a "bit of a social butterfly" so NOT so strange that he is social with her too. She sounds pretty cool.
Whether in a friendship, acquaintance or romantic relationship being a great conversationalist is a BIG bonus.
Being pretty or HOT doesn't REALLY hold as much value as you may think when it comes to healthy relationships. It really doesn't ADD anything to the relationship itself. You write:" i can typically get any guy i want and he'll be crazy about me." I have no doubt that you can SCORE any guy you want... but if they are CRAZY about you because you just because you are hot, they are't really looking past the surface with you. Which is why... you are still HOPING and WISHING for a healthy relationship.
How long is this GF visiting? Or has she moved in? If she has moved in my guess is that her and the cousin get on BETTER than you think. She is obviously a smart woman.
I would suggest if you aren't a fan of him hanging out so much with her, then why not suggest that the 3 (or 4) of you go out together? And then make an effort to get to know her.
As for not hearing from him for 15 hours straight... OH come on! You aren't attached to him via umbilical cord through your phone, right? And he HAS to sleep, go poop, take a shower, SOCIALIZE with other people too! It's IS healthy to not be in constant contact with a partner. There is something to LOOK forward to. A conversation about ANYTHING that happened that day or a thought or what not. I get that you don't like it, but I think you need to be less needy there. Think about it. How many of your conversations that AREN'T face to face are actually a conversation that is "needed"? Not just "fluff" over text? Don't always be the first to say good morning or good night or start a conversation. Every now and then pick up the phone and call him, even if it's just for 5 minutes and tell him, I just wanted to hear your voice. It might make him make more of an effort too. But I would advice you to try and "de-clutter" how and who and how often you text him.
Maybe what you should consider.... is to STOP making him the center of your universe and focus more on things YOU enjoy. You said you had worked on self-improvement. Good! From reading your post, you aren't done. You should keep doing that. The more you learn about yourself, is an added bonus. You having a hobby, friends of your own, a social circle that you enjoy.
I can see why you DO worry. He hasn't said that he loves you with words, but it seems he has with actions. You made the choice of taking the word of a TOTAL stranger online that SHE was "talking to him" (aka there was something romantic going on) and dumped him. Which again, TOTALLY understandable. And honestly... healthy of you. HE however, WANTED you to know the truth. HER sending NUDES doesn't mean he asked for them, or that he accepted them. I'm sure with you being an attractive woman you have had UNSOLICITED dick pics? Right? SO is it strange to think that this woman sent HER nudes without asking first?
However, with that being said. WHY was he even talking to her? Did he ever explain that? Because I'd be curious why he was so adamant that nothing was going on, but he was obviously having conversation with this woman online. For what reason?
Perhaps it is water under the bridge, as you took him back. So let that sleeping lion sleep.
You talk about wanting a healthy relationship with "normal boundaries". VERBALIZE those boundaries. To yourself first and then HAVE that conversation with him. And then listen to HIS boundaries, and the two of you find a compromise that works for both.
A HEALTHY relationship is not about ALWAYS having things easy and your way. There are a LOT of compromises along the way. A LOT. The better you become at talking through them, thinking them over the more successful at it you BOTH will be.
He does seem a little thoughtless. If you ask me. But that is part of who he is. Just like the "social butterfly part". THAT is also who he is.
And I think 2 months in is DEFINITELY too soon to talk marriage. REGARDLESS of how long you dated in the past.
You can't AVOID getting hurt in life. It's not realistic. Because you can't control the World and the people around you 100% of the time. So consider that. You also say that the relationship has tested your patience... how?
Because 2 months in, things should be complicated. There might be some misunderstandings that needs sorting out (that early) but generally speaking it's all about getting to KNOW the other person and seeing IF they are a good fit LONG term.
Now HE says he wants to marry you. So he CAN see a future with you. CAN you say the same?
It's OK to not be totally sure. It's ONLY been 2 months.
And hey, OP... come ramble her anytime you feel a need. We'll ramble back at ya!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): We fall for certain people not because of the bad things they do (and your guy has certainly done some), but because they trigger something in us that we like (or that we lacked), which in return makes us tolerate the bad stuff.Here's a simple example:Let's say someone is looking for financial safety because they were poor during their childhood. They fall for a person who has a great job and is well off (thus dealing with their own insecurity) but that person is also active on some dating websites. So, they try to either change that person - make that person see how great and worthy they are - and at some point start minimizing the bad stuff.Or... people who are afraid of abandonment will tolerate a whole lot of bad things including abuse, so that they wouldn't lose the person you are attached too. You have a certain opinion of yourself that does not correspond to the way you act. I'd reevaluate.
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