A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been living with my boyfriend for 4 months i thought i'd feel closer to him but i feel even more so like i am second best to his friends/activities. He goes out every friday, watches football every other saturday and plays alot of golf - we both go to our parents houses for tea once a week too, i moved away from my home to come here and have no friends or family nearby so when he is not here i have no one and am bored. i am thinking of joining a gym which will keep me busy but i really feel like i could be anyone like hes not that bothered he doesnt even think oh what is she doing while i'm out having fun - we are in our late 30's so not kids but i dont know if i'm being unreasonable so please be honest, i love him but feel unwanted and un needed - i was married once before and my husband was 100% worse maybe i'm scared its happening again Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): To be honest the fact that you don't have interest or motivation in doing much suggested you might be a depressive- like me and many others. Yeah depressants take the edge off but some definitely do numb you ... Sertraline I found was big for that! And yes I completely agree the first thing you should start with is exercise- works like a natural AD - I'm getting more into long distance cycling, saving shedloads of money, getting just amazing at bombing it up hills haha! Does wonders for my mind and body :) and it's the best type of exercise for depression I've read :) Another thing- it's great you've had this talk but actions speak louder than words- if he still goes out EVERY Friday night, say even if you didn't want him to one time, and he still does it, he doesn't care as much as he lets on. I hope he's genuine but always be on Your guard...X :)
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 August 2013):
 It's good that your man cares and took to heart what yo u said to him.
I have been though depression too and yes, some medications seem to only numb you. And that is not really ideal. But I think you joining a gym will help ( it did for me) working out gave me more energy, most a personal boost and a more positive outlook. I guess all the natural endorphins helped too.
Work on making YOU happy. Never rely on others to do that. Though happiness is GREAT when shared, making yourself happy or excited about things is vital. (at least for me).
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have been on anti depressants 3 times previously but didnt want to become dependant on them i felt they just numbed me towards any kind of feelings? i guess in an ideal world i'd be on them permanant.. i think i do need to get my social life back too, he rang me earlier to see if i was okay after this morning & to tell me he loved me, am sure we can work through this but i want to do it for me,. i used to be fun but have become a real misery but i know now and want to change which is a good start i guess
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 August 2013):
Good for you! Glad you talked to him, bottling it up doesn't work.
Have you considered getting help for the depression?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni read your replies this morning and i woke him up and we had a good chat, i am being needy i suffer from depression and get down easily, i realise i dont have a social life anymore and i did before so i'm getting my season ticket back at the football and i'm joining a gym as i feel i have 'lost it' a bit - him and his mates go out every friday even the ones who are married with kids it what they do, to be fair if i want to do something on a friday they'll swap to a saturday -but they always have their nights out. i told him we should have a date night each week, i guess i just got comfy staying in, i totally appreciate your answers you are all right yes he is set in his ways but he will accomodate me i just need to get out if this rut & start loving myself again and getting fit & fun! god i feel so much better and know what do do, many thanks for taking the time to answer x
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female
reader, Thetruthisugly +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Join your gym that's a start it will make you feel great physically and mentally. Look on the web and see if there is any clubs that you interested in and you will meet friends with the same interest!! The hardest part is getting your butt off that couch and making a start!! Once you start having a life you will find that you and your boyfriend will have a lot more to talk about and make time to spend with each other!!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 August 2013):
You need to stop relying 100% on him for YOUR entertainment. Develop some hobbies or rekindle old hobbies, get out met new people, make some friends.
I don't think it's because he doesn't care, but because he assume you are a "big girl" capable of doing stuff on her own too.
Your world shouldn't revolve around him.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Sometimes finding the right balance between being together and independent can be a tough proposition.
Your boyfriend obviously has a life. He finds pleasure in things that uniquely define him. You can't possibly be 100% in sync with one another.
It sounds like he does make some effort to be with you: you do have tea together and he has elected to live with you. I think if you really thing about how much time he does spend with you, you'll realize it is more than you think.
There are a couple of things I'd suggest you do:
1) Learn to like what he likes. It appears he likes sports, perhaps you could give it a try or purchase tickets to go to a game together. It may not be heaven for you, but you will be spending time together. Surely there is some common bond or hobby that both of you enjoy: embrace it!
2) Set up fun date nights. Too often once a couple lives together they forgot how to have fun. Their "dates" involving furniture shopping or grocery shopping and going to bed watching TV reruns at 9pm. Most men hate shopping. His escaping to the sports channel could be his way of avoiding unpleasant "dates", especially if this is your idea of fun.
3) Tell him how you feel. Work together to plan dates that both of you can do and that both of you enjoy. Go explore a new city, go hiking, take a day trip, etc....
4) Finally don't panic. Couples do have separate lives. While I don't mean to sound snarky, I suggest you find your inner "voice" and establish your own personality. Again, I can't stress enough that if you "nag" him into hanging around with you where he feels like he is suffering through something you like he will come to resent you and find reasons to escape.
Work to together to find things you BOTH enjoy and you'll find the magic in your relationship will be restored.
Eddie
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Anyone noticed about him going out every Friday? really? EVERY Friday? I don't really care what he did before you, but now heis in a relationship, and people change their behavour. I was going out every weekend before I met my boyfriend, now I don't. My outings were all about getting together at bars and drink, and talk to cute guys. This is what single people do. Where is he going for his outings? And why can't you come? I still go out with my single friends, but now it's very occasional, may be once every 2 months. And I don't stay up as late as they are, because now I am Ina relationship. Of course hobbies I understand, but outings is very different. Ussualy it involves drinking, and for someone who is not single is a little unussual to keep on doing it every single week.He knows you don't know anyone here, and he should be more considerate until you develope some hobbies, and make friends. And I go to GYM for 2 years and didn't make any single friend there by the way.Guys just love this word "needy". I think it's an excuse for them to get any for leaving their lives as singles being Ina relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): If you're over thirty and you don't have friends of your own, you're going to feel pretty needy when your boyfriend isn't around. If they're in the next town, then you have a reason to travel and kill time.
It's up to you to create your own extra-curricular activities and hobbies. Joining a gym is a great idea. Maybe some yoga, or take an art class.
He had a life before you came along, and likes to stay active. You're not second best to his friends or activities, you just don't have any of your own; and you're depending on him to fill all your time.
That's needy.
Maybe lady aunts will tell you otherwise; but I'll tell you from a guy's point of view; so it will be balanced.
You need to have your own interests. You don't form a relationship to fill all your free time.
You will appreciate each other more, when you have your own independence; and a sense of identity.
Let him know when you feel neglected; I don't mean you're supposed to feel like he's your roommate.
You just shouldn't feel like he has the responsibility to keep you entertained; because you can't come up with things to do for yourself. Being a multifaceted and active woman; will make you all the more appealing. He'll stick around afraid other guys might get too curious about that vibrant young woman he got a hold of.
You deserve your own "me time." You should hang out with your friends. Take a drive to see your family on Friday nights. You should compromise, and alternate Friday nights for dinner and dancing. He owes his sexy sweetie a lot of love. He did drag you away from your more comfortable surroundings.
Occasionally, you can highjack his night out, and invite yourself along. Just don't make it a habit; he deserves to share his time with his buddies. If you smother him, he will pull away.
You can start making new friends, once you start going to the gym. Get yourself a cute puppy, and you can take it to the dog park, or just snuggle together on chilly nights.
It's nice to have the house all to yourself sometimes.
Being your own woman and making use of your own time will make you less dependent on his time. You only feel bored; because you haven't developed your own social circle, or found activities that keep you stimulated and active.
Build your own support system, take a drive to see your old friends, join the gym, get a cute little puppy, and consider a hobby. You'll be busy, interesting, and independent. Take a belly-dance class, and surprise him.
Once you're settled in, you can entertain friends at home, or have dinner parties.
He isn't doing anything new, you're just living in a new place and feeling a little isolated. You'll get the hang of things in no time. Soon he'll be complaining you're the one neglecting him.
Start redecorating the place, then he'll get nervous; and be afraid you'll change things, and he won't recognize the place!
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Yes he should initiate fun stuff to do with you, as you're his significant other and should WANT to spend his leisure time enjoying life with you, at least SOME of the time. We all want space, but like CMMP said, do you EVER spend time together? .. Do you WANT to spend your free time doing the same things as him? And does he make an effort and try and make you happy at least? If no, you're being 100% reasonable. Maybe you're just feeling a bit withdrawn and low. So it's hard to be in any company when you're feeling down, right? Talk to him and communicate your thoughts and see how he reacts. You've given up a lot for him and he should care how you feel regardless, and at least try and understand.. What do you like doing when you're feeling happier? Would he go to the gym? Do you like doing the same things together? 4 months is extremely early and quite likely you may not be compatible. Cut out whatever doesn't fulfil you in your life.... Maybe him... Love isn't everything, need a fair amount of compatibility to live happily together. Take care x :)
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reader, CMMP +, writes (27 August 2013):
It sounds like he's just enjoying life as opposed to neglecting you. You don't say whether the two of you ever do anything together. If you don't, that's a problem. If you are just thinking that he spends too much time doing things away from you, I don't see that as a problem.
You should do things that will help you meet people. Enjoy your life as well.
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