A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My father and i havent spoken properly for years we occasionally pase in the street if he is in the area and say hello and only keep in touch by letter. This is because he was an alcoholic and was physically abusive towards me and my mum throughout my childhood. So i dont feel safe around him. The trouble is he has started buying me and my fiance expensive gifts the last one he claims is an engagement present even though he has given one already. Im not being ungrateful i just want to do the right thing. I have told him we dont need these gifts and i feel wrong taking them and i also dont believe in buying affections. But he keeps insisting i accept them and is offendex if i giv them back. Please advise me somebody?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): After what your father (if he can even be called that) did to you and your family he has no right to expect to be in your life now. If he has changed for the better that's great but still doesn't alter the fact that he caused you to be unable to be around him. He needs to accept the consequences of his past behavior. You need to enforce your boundaries. Send the gifts back and if he gets offended so what. That's his problem to deal with. You can forgive him but forgiveness doesnt mean you have to let him into your life.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (19 April 2012):
I don't know how far his mental health issues range; were they caused by his alcoholism? If so, could they be diminished if he became sober? In any case, you cannot erase the past and what he's done is too much to simply just forgive and forget.
Maybe you should just be upfront with him. Ask him in a neutral manner why he's giving you these expensive gifts and why he's searching for contact after not being there for 10 years. Tell him you feel uncomfortable accepting the gifts not knowing the answers to these two questions. If his answers are satisfying and seem genuine, consider keeping the gifts, but explain to him exactly where you stand. If he's looking for forgiveness, the way for him to have a shot at getting it is through actions, not through gifts.
I think that if you explain yourself in a neutral manner there is no reason for this whole thing to escalate. And if it does, well...you'll then know exactly what he's like after all those years....
Hope this helps, OP. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is the simplest way.
Before I go I want to say one more thing: I respect you for not harboring hate and resentment for him after all that's happened. You are stronger and more rational than most would be (including myself).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Hi i am the op, i suppose i didnt go into enough detail to be helped in any way, i find it difficult to open up but this is the apeal of talking on here, i dont have to worry that somebody will say... Hey that is "" and recognise me.
1 your right i dont hate my father
2 he is still an alcoholic
My father has some mental health issues, im pretty sure i have talked a little about it here before because we have not had proper contact for a while, but now with my up.coming wedding he is showing up more and more and it is causing me alot of anxiety.
I do not blame him in any way for being mentally ill, i just need to make that clear. It is not something a person can turn on or off..........but.
At my fathers hands i had a miserable and tortured childhood. He beat me my sibling and mother every single day for as long as i can recall. He also locked me in a cupboard once for 6 hours and often hunted us out to beat us when we hid from him. It was terrifying and the problem was people like doctors and my dads parents would say 'its not his fault its because he is sick"
He done.countless other things and the list is too long but in the end it was bought to light what was happening and my father was forced to leave for our own safety.
To this day i still feel sick when i see him and i refuse to be alone with him because im scared.even though he has not harmed or suggested harm to me for 10 years. I feel sorry for him in a way because i and my brother are his only living family and the pare of us are too filled with fear and mixed feelings to offer forgivness or anything.
I cant be friendly or have a father daughter relationship with him because im scared of what i know he is capeable of and that is why i am scared of accepting gifts it is because i do not want to give a false impression of where he stands with me but at the same time i dont what to be rude or cause any more issues than there needs to be. Im aware that i concealed alot in my original post but as i have said writing it down is hard, and iv had councelling. So i hope this clarifys things for you all. And sorry for the essay
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): let him give you gifts if he insists. I mean it's not like you asked for them, and you did try to return them but he refused.
if it eases his guilt in his mind, then why not? you don't have to change anything in your behavior or relationship to him because this is just for his own benefit.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (18 April 2012):
 I know how you feel. My father walked out and left my mum too, and then suddenly turns up with gifts.
It sounds as if this father of yours is feeling guilty and trying to make things up to you.
Even though he drank and abused you and mum it sounds as if he does love you and trying to gain affection by buying you presents.
Ultimately its your choice; do you want to trust and allow your father back into your life?
Or are you content with not having him be there with his gifts? once you can decide that for yourself, then your ready to let him know how you feel.
Goodluck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Your Dad is obviously feeling very guilty about what has happened in the past & is try to make things up to you by,buying you gifts.
I know it does not make up for anything that has happened but the way I see it he's trying to offer an olive branch (all be it going the wrong way about it.)
I don't for a minute think that he thinks it will make up for the pain he has put upon you in the past but that he is reaching out to you in the only way he knows how.
Of course if you don't feel comfortable accepting these gifts then don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I think there is an element of guilt here on his part. The way he is trying to make up for the past is by buying you gifts. I would not refuse gifts but say to him that you don't need him to go out of his way buying you expensive gifts. It is not necessary. But try not to seem if you are pushing him away. Maybe he finds it hard to show his feelings in any other way. So tread carefully, if would be good if you can find a workable, pleasant relationship and put the past to one side if that is what you would like.
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A
female
reader, Jesslirai +, writes (18 April 2012):
 If u feel bad about taking gifts from him, why don't u do something like sell it and donate money to the needy. Or you could explore why he is trying so hard to win your approval with gifts. Some people have a hard time expressing their feelings, so they use a different approach. I am assuming he feels bad for putting you through troubling times and he might be tying to compensate through gifts. Maybe you need to sit him down and actually discuss why he is compelled to shroud you with expensive gifts. Maybe you both can open up and talk about the past. I have a father who was never there for me, he chose drugs and a life of partying over being a father and is now finally trying to come around and puts me in similar situations. He has begun apologizing for his misbehavior in the past, and I try not to make him feel bad and tell him that we can't change the past, only look forward to the future. Maybe your father is seeking approval, and truly feels bad. I think as soon as you sit him down and explain that you don't want gifts he should be understanding. People make choices and sometime mistakes and hopefully his is apologetic for these mistakes he has make. Hopefully talking can give u both some closure. Best of luck to you.
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