A
female
age
36-40,
*urnedLady
writes:Hey everyone, I'm a 24 year old girl and I have just split with my boyfriend of 3 years after I found out he had been seeing a girl for sex over the whole of out relationships, about 5 times in all.I've suspected as much the whole time and never trusted him, but I was still devastated when I found out. He has been seeing her for sex for the past 7 years, through a previous relationship, he says that he doesn't see sex as a loving thing and likes to hurt the girl, and he can't do this in a loving relationship. Which I guess I can understand. She has confirmed this too, he doesn't want to be with her, she is devastated as she thought he loved her. I was shocked to find she was a very large and unattractive girl, he said that was the only kind of girl he could control like that. We had great sex but he never hurt me like that.He's done nothing but beg me to take him back since I found out but I've stayed strong, despite loving him - he's been quite violent in the past, and not the perfect man by a long shot - we do have an amazing connection though, I can't cut him out of my life completely.My dilemma is, he slept with her just before I found out, she told me afterwards because she was fed up of him leaving her to go back to me, now I have this overwhelming desire to have sex with him one last time, so she doesn't get him last. I think I can be strong and not get too emotionally attached. Despite everything I think we will stay friends, it will hurt him more that I can't take him back, I just want him to remember me and not her. He's asked me to go and stay with him to talk, if I make it clear that I can;t have him back do you think it would work? I feel very in control of my emotions right now. Anyone dealt with anything similar?BL
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): O my God!! I am speachless. You cant have any self confidence left if you are even speaking to a guy like that still. I dont care if you two went to the moon together or if he gave you a kidney as soon as you fouhd out he had been disgracing you like that not to mention using some poor overweight girl who obhiously has no confidence either, you should of kicked him in the nuts and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! That is one sleezy creepy guy and if you think he was doing you a favor by sleeping with the "uglier chick" cause he could hurt her than you are an idiot. He is telling you a load of crap and if I was you I would be relived to think that I wasnt the last girl he has sex with cause I would not want a psycho sleezeball like that having me on his mind. Get some self respect and dont ever talk never mind touch that lowlife again...
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 Yep your in control, and you were in control of yourself the whole time, but when we're with someone else we start to lower our guard and sense of control. If we're with someone who cares and loves us, it shouldn't matter. No matter how much we lower our guard we'd still be protected and our feelings wouldn't get hurt. But when your with someone who has a controlling personality, you give up 10%, they immediately snatch that 10% from you.
I'm glad you're in control, but remember when we have to have our guard up and at least one person gets hurt, no one really wins.
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reader, BurnedLady +, writes (3 November 2007):
BurnedLady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice, don't get me wrong, I know I won't take him back, I can't now, too much has happened. I don't feel like he'll be using me, I feel like it's the other way round. He hasn't asked me to see him for sex, he wants to talk face to face, we haven't seen each other since what happened. I see this more as closure for me, where I'm finally in control.
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female
reader, LilWun23 +, writes (3 November 2007):
i havent had anything quite like that happen to me but one thing i do know is that u need to leave him now and dont become friends with him either because it will only torment u more and more by the day, if u get back with him i can guarantee u he will do it again and again
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 November 2007):
don't say despite loving him. i read so many stories, and I can tell you accurately only about 1% has experienced real love in their relationship.
Since you ended it, having sex with him is a bad idea, It only leads him on, and implies he has a chance to get back with you.
When you end it with someone you do so 100%, don't play games. If you're going to be with him do so 100%, then seek counseling. But don't do either way only partially because that can lead to confusion.
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reader, quarky +, writes (3 November 2007):
 ok I know that this may sound harsh but it sounds very much like this guy is using you I'm afraid despite what he's saying. It's gonna hurt but in my opinion You've gotta move on - especially given that he's been violent. No relationship is worth the risk of that happening and even if that is not an issue- could you ever have trust? I know I wouldn't. Whatever happens- stay safe.
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