A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A while ago my long term boyfriend told me he didn't like my body anymore. We got together at 16 and are now 21. Of course, when we met my body was still developing, and it's silly to think it wouldn't change over time. I'm still the same clothing size (uk 8/10), but admittedly am not as toned as I once was - when I was 16 I had a bit of a problem with food, and did not eat enough, which contributed to my slim frame. Now I'm eating properly and fairly healthily. I've tried eating less, changing what I eat and not eating at all (shamefully). I've also drastically upped my exercise. None of these seem to change how my body looks. Now I'm wondering if this is how my body's supposed to be.I've never been a confident person, but this took away the little confidence I had. I have really been struggling with my self esteem. Any ideas how I can build up my confidence once again? Answers would be greatly appreciated x
View related questions:
confidence, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Echo85 +, writes (2 April 2012):
 If you're an 8/10 my love, then you don't have a heck of a lot of weight to shift. But there is a simple way to lose about twelve stone of weight with very little trouble. Get rid of the boyfriend.
It would still be very wrong but a little more understandable if you had doubled in size, but you have just rounded out. I Think you may have grown out of this'boy'.
Eat and enjoy life. Don't try to change yourself for your boyfriend or anyone else or you will never be happy in yourself.
Good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon - when I was 16 I just ate very little. I had always been that way since I was a baby, so I don't think it necessarily had anything to do with my self esteem. It probably contributed to it though! Also I'm 5'5", and of ideal weight for my height. he doesn't give back handed compliments - he seems to sincerely mean what he compliments me with.
Honeypie - as I said before, I'm not quite ready to leave the relationship, but I can see why you'd give that advice. Of course, over time he has changed - he's very much into rugby and has always been proud of his body. Perhaps this is why he doesn't like mine - because I don't pride myself on it the way he does? Also, it was around a year ago, so if he was trying to get out of the relationship he would have left by now!!?
Again, thank you all for your thoughts
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 There is a myriad of books and websites dedicated to self-esteem building. Start doing the research. As far as your boyfriend goes, well, you'll figure that out once you get yourself squared away. But just know this, he ain't quite right in the head.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 April 2012):
 There is nothing wrong with you OR your body. There is something wrong with him for trying to put you down on what he KNOWS is your weak spot (your body).
Be healthy, be happy and dump him. I think him not liking your body all of a sudden is just an excuse he is using to make you feel bad and distance himself from the relationship and you.
Hasn't HE changed physically from 16 to 21?
Sorry, he sounds like a tool.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Your boyfriend sounds insecure.
Having a `bit of a problem` with food when you were 16 probably means you were unhappy about something and had problems with your self esteem even then. Would I be correct in thinking that low self esteem has followed you into this relationship?
If so, take time to really think about your boyfriends part in this. Does he pull you down a little with remarks, then build you up again? Does he give `back handed` compliments that sound nice at the time but on reflection, make you feel bad about yourself? Because he might be playing a game with you in order to keep you feeling down.
He knew you once as an insecure, underweight teenager. He grew comfortable and felt safe with that image of you. Like me at that age, you had hard lines. And like me, you have later developed softer curves. I dont know about you but I found I received far more male attention with softer curves. Maybe your partner is noticing that male attention now. And doesnt like it! He might not feel so comfortable and safe any more, watching you change into a confident, curvy woman. So he will try to keep your self confidence and body weight low with his chosen remarks.
You say you are size 8/10, you dont mention your hight but I assume your weight is about right for your frame. You wont have the body you had as a 16 year old girl. You are a healthy, grown woman and your body is how nature intends it to be. You could try punishing your body by withholding food and working out to extremes to try and recreate the look your partner professes to prefer. But do you honestly think he would go to such extremes and mess with his health like that for you?
When his body changed from a teenage boys to a mans body...and it did! Did you just accept those changes as being perfectly natural and normal? Maybe compliment him on those changes? Or did you go out of your way to say you dont like his body now and preferred it when he was 16? That would be a pretty rotten thing to say to him if he already had low self esteem, wouldnt it? But that is what he has done to you.
Trying to force your body to change by starving and over exercising is an unhealthy thing to do. He will know that. Just as he will also know you have low self esteem and will be tempted to do things like that to try and please him. So no marks to him for putting the idea into your head that you arent good enough for him. Totally out of order. Saying he didnt like you hair colour might have been different but your whole body?! That was the nastiest thing he could have said to someone who has little confidence.
I am sure when he admires women, he looks for curves, full breasts, big or small and a nice well rounded behind. All the things he doesnt want you to have. Ask yourself why he doesnt want you to be a healthy weight, beautiful and confident. Maybe it is because he knows many men will find you very attractive. And that is something he REALLY cant deal with because he is insecure.
Something triggered your low self esteem and eating problem as a teenager. These triggers can happen to and affect the best of us! Generally it is the actions of others that give us these problems. Some can dust themselves off and be fine, others need a little help to get their confidence back on track. But far from actually REALLY helping you...this guy seems to have his foot on your head, forcing you to stay down.
The problem isnt with you. It is with your boyfriend. Just eat and exercise healthily and I am sure you will turn every red blooded males head this summer! And I bet your boyfriend will be following behind you, not enjoying it at all as he tries to block their view. While telling you, you have a smudge on your face, your jeans are too tight or your top too low and the colour doesnt suit you! He has the problem!
Enjoy being you and if he doesnt like it, tough. Grab yourself some confidence girlfriend...its free! And put this boyfriend of yours very firmly in his place because I think he has been messing with your head for his own reasons. DO NOT allow his self serving remark to affect you, especially when it comes to your health. Think of yourself first, not him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to reply.
I'm beginning to agree that perhaps my body isn't the problem. I know if I was giving advice to anyone on this, I would give the same answer as you. However, I love my boyfriend a lot, and don't want to end our 5 year relationship over it (maybe stupidly).
I'm wondering if there's any other way to get around it? I've also tried different types of clothes and underwear. I'd just like to be comfortable in myself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Sounds like there's nothing wrong with your body and a whole lot wrong with your boyfriends character. Get rid.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): A real man likes curves on a woman. He sounds like his mindset is still in little boy mode and can't appreciate your womanly body. There are plenty of men out there who will.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): A real man likes curves on a woman. He sounds like his mindset is still in little boy mode and can't appreciate your womanly body. There are plenty of men out there who will.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): I used to be a size 6/8 & now at 23 am a size 10 & like you I can't shift the extra weight!
If he's making you so low you don't want to eat,GET RIDE OF HIM!!
No guy is worth being miserable over even if yous have been together as long as that!
How hurtful & inconsiderate of him to say something like that!
...............................
|
