A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 5 years.My husband has always tended to be a rather selfish lover. However I am now really struggling with this issue. He rarely does anything to pleasure me, and believes that sex is simply about his orgasm. He rarely gives oral to me, however asks me regularly to perform it on him. I feel like the bedroom is about him and I am merely there to get him off.The other night he instigated 69, third time we've ever done it. He came first and then literally rolled off me and went to sleep. I layed there feeling completely used and abandoned. It was of no interest to him to see me satisfied.It was in that moment I suddenly realised just how bad our sex life has become. We only have sex when he wants it, and how he wants it. I feel neglected and dirty. I can count on one hand how many orgasms he has given me in the last 2 years. After sex when he rollsover and goes to sleep I find myself lying there so frustrated.I have known it was one sided, but believed if I loved him and treated him well it would change, if I told him what I'd like, and show him how much he turns me on. But all I have accomplished is him thinking that it is ok to treat me this way.Last night he instigated sex, and I felt obliged to participate, but I am so hurt by all of this, that I just layed there, waiting for him to finish.I didn't want to start to get into it, because I knew I would only be left in the cold once he'd finished. I feel like I'm a whore, just there for his benefit.I know I need to communicate better with him. I have told him what I would like and enjoy in the past. Previously he told me he wasn't into oral. However he likes me to do it to him, so really what he meant was he's not into giving oral. After so long, how do I tell him just how unsatisfied I am? I don't want to hurt him, or offend him, and besides our sex life, he is a caring husband. Or is it just what married life is about....bad sex that eventually becomes no sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): Wow...I could have written this letter. I've been married now over 20 years and we have struggled with this issue. And my husband is a loving man, who kisses me goodbye and when he comes home, helps me around the house, is a great father and provider...but we have very little intimacy.We had wild crazy sex for 2 years before we were married. He was the first man to every take the time to make me come. He was incredible. It was like a light bulb after we married, he is completely oblivious to my pleasure even though it has been an issue our intire marriage. We finally went to a good therapist and it was the best ever for about a year. During that time almost every time we had sex, I came. Now we are back to nothing...oops I am back to nothing. I should state too that before we went to the therapist he broke my vibrator! That was a final sraw for me. The other night after he came I put his hand on me and he layed beside me with his eyes closed and it was totally obvious he did not want to be rubbing me. How can he do this to me?I want to state too that I am tall thin and nice looking. Our friends would be shocked to know our bedroom life. I'm sick of it. But I cannot imagine being divorced. There is no one around me that I'm attracted to. I cannot imagine dating, but I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I used to pray to God to take my sex drive away. If I knew this wouldn't change, I would have left a very long time ago.Made another appointment with the therapist. Will see...
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 well...you're either going to have to get up some guff and talk top your husband (which can be done gently and nicely, yet still to the point) or deal with being mistreated. There's really no way to change things without being a lot more direct than you are being.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Well no wonder the man is confused if you have been faking pleasure with all his normal moves all this time...
Why on earth did you do that? So you wouldn't hurt his ego like the last gf's did? And how well did that work out for ya?
All you can do now is either fess up that you have been faking it up until now and offer to work with him on it/re-train him, which will probably crush him.
Or maybe, just maybe you can convince him that you'd like to "spice things up" and try something new in the bedroom. And this time don't fake it. Just give him lots of praise and encouragment when he does anything right.
praise & encouragment=lots of loud moans of pleasure and oh yeah babies... Make the porn angle work to your advantage for once.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers.
I'm really struggling to talk to him about any of this.Instead I blurted out all this stuff about how tired I am of always having to do all the housework on my own. Now he's running around cleaning the house and cooking, a good sign that he is at least trying to help and make me a bit happier.
As for the sex thing, its just very hard to discuss this as I'm really concerned I will hurt him deeply. He hasn't had alot of experience with women before me. I know he had troubles with his previous gf's, and from knowing him and piecing what he has told me about his past relationships, I can tell they were similar issues. So any communication on this will involve his entire sexuality, ifywim. He has told me how nice it is not to have bedroom troubles with me. And blamed alot of the issues on previous women, that there was something wrong with them.
I was wondering whether his lack of pleasuring me has more to do with naivity. Whether he thinks that simply having intercourse is enough to get a woman off. And that no one has explained to him that foreplay is VERY important to a woman. I know he was a very late bloomer, and relied on porn. With 99% of porn its not about pleasuring the woman, more that the woman is getting off on the mans pleasure, if that makes sense. Lets face it, most of the porn I have ever seen, involves a few seconds of licking to get her wet, some fast and furious rubbing which would in fact just make her dry again, and we all know no woman in real life would get off on that kind of foreplay, and then just intercourse. In real life how would any woman be satisfied with that, 80% of women can't climax vaginally. But lets face it, its all about his climax afterall. I've never seen a porn movie in which a woman genuinely climax's, she's always doing the fake cry.
I think that porn does alot of harm to men, if they think that is how they need to act, and most men these days base their sexual knowledge on studying porn, lets face it. Put that with a woman who only wants to please her husband and moans in all the right places and really you have just a porn film reinactment, might look good on the outside, but the man is blistfully unaware how really very unsatisfying it is to the woman.
Eventually the woman loses interest in sex, and gives up all the fake fascades. And the mans left wondering what the hell is going on??? Because in his mind, he's doing the right things, following porns lead, and she was moaning like a porn star afterall. So he's left scratching his head.
The reality is, men have sex for the climax, women have sex for the climax and the intimacy. So if shes only been getting the intimacy side, that will keep her interested for a while, but eventually she will want more. If the man can deliver that, then you will have happier ever after. However if he can't, then you have the common result, a sexless marriage, resulting in affairs, followed by divorce.
Interesting then that the divorce rate has grown at almost the same rate of porn availability. We're all running around trying to be porn stars. Our sex life is based on these guidelines. As a modern woman I try to look like those women, and pleasure my man according to the expectations the porn industry has delivered. I wax, I wear the slutty bedroom etire, I make the noises I am supposed to, I suck him and let him cum over my body, like a good gf, a good wife. My man is no different, he follows the leads he was educated to follow. If anyone had a camera into our bedroom for the past 5 years, they would have thought all is fine. Looks like a normal sex life.
And I really question how many of us are out there. How many women truly in the depths of their heart are satisfied with their sex life. Or are we just playing along with the masquerade. Until oneday, we wake and think...."nah I simply can't be bothered anymore".
Any man who thinks their woman is truly satisfied should really question it hard, because you would never know, not until oneday she simply doesn't want to have sex with you anymore.
:) Appreciate all your contributions.....very much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): "Or is it just what married life is about....bad sex that eventually becomes no sex."
No, after nearly 20 years, our sex life is better than it has ever been with each other, or with any prior partner on either side.
Communication in a non-threatening manner is key...on both sides...as is listening on both sides.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 firstly don't mention a 5 year problem.
Anything past a 5 minute problem may not even be heard.
Take it from the last time you had sex.
You've been quiet about your needs for so long, it's become your problem, not his.
So now you want more, this is the first day of the rest of your life.
Voicing your resentment will only make him care even less.
Read up on assertive training and learn to ask for what you desire. If still unmet, that's a totally different ball game.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): As a male, I take pride in making sure my wife is satisfied. Having her achieve 2+ orgasms in a night is something I internally give myself a high five for. That's the attitude you want your husband to have right? If so, ask him why he doesn't take pride in that? You have already told him what you like so he should know what to do. I think the hardest but most effective way to solve this is to be upfront. Next time he tries to have sex just say no. When he asks why, you need to tell him its because it's not good for you. Tell him that he used to turn you on but that now he only cares about himself. Let it all out but do it in a calm, caring tone. You don't want it to become a fight but you need to be clear and honest. No sugar coating. Tell him that you will show him again what you like and that you will do things he likes if he does it for you. I cant imagine he brags about his sex life either if you just lay there waiting for him to finish because you hate it so this will be good for both of you.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (18 March 2011):
 A husband or boyfriend who does not, will not or can not please his woman on a regular basis is not a man - and you may also classify the bloke as selfish and entirely self-centered, based on your posting. That's what you have - make that clear to him or learn to live with it.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (18 March 2011):
The first thing I would do is instill a permanent new policy in your bedroom, and enforce it without fail.
You can call it the me first, you second rule.
Any questions?
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (18 March 2011):
I am experiencing a similar issue currently and feel your pain.
You stated that he's a caring husband. I really think that you need to tell him how you really feel and how much it's hurting your feelings. Tell him that you and he really need to work out a better system when it comes to sex because the current one isn't working for you, aka, half of the equation and a person just as important as he is in sex.
Make sure you tell him BEFORE this conversation all the things he does right in other areas of your life together and how much you love him. State that this is not something you are going to leave him over, but that it is something that is really bothering you about the relationship.
Chances are that he doesn't realize how upset you are. If you've always allowed yourself to be treated this way, he might think everything is just fine because men are not always as perceptive as women are. Assume no animosity going in to this talk.
Best of Luck!
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