A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with this guy for almost ten years in a serious relationship and he is wonderful on many levels. However, long story short, I discovered porn on my boyfriend’s internet history by accident earlier this year and I confronted him about it. "What's this?""Meh, I was bored. It doesn't happen often"Being surprised I guess I didn't react in the best way because I just said the first thing that came to mind - all that stuff about how porn is degrading to women and insidious, etc, etc. I must have sounded like a scolding mother because it did nothing.A couple of weeks ago his computer crashed from a virus and (thanks to my computer savvy, I knew how to go in manually and save certain files) again, long story short, there were porn files. In his defense there weren't many, maybe like 4 or 5.I gave him a raised eyebrow and he seemed slightly embarrassed that I found it and said I didn't have to save those files (hah, as if I was contemplating it)Last week, he made an overt comment about having porn in his possession and looking forward to being alone to use it and that I “should be happy because it’s only soft-core”. This upset me and, without thinking it over too much, I went to the folder where his old porn was saved before the crash (and sure enough there it was) and I deleted it.I don’t care so much about deleting the files from his computer - he has transgressed my privacy before so he can’t reproach me that - but I want him to stop consuming porn. Being in a long-term relationship, I can hardly imagine breaking up over this. However, nor can I imagine staying in a relationship that makes me unhappy.So my questions are:What does it matter if it’s soft-core, hard-core or an apple-core; porn is porn, no? Just the fact that this upsets me should make him want to stop, no?How do I approach this, given that he has clearly ignored my feelings on the subject?
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female
reader, Matchstick  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 Anon you have it wrong. Men are very aware of all that airbrushing, photo-shopping, silicone, lipo and makeup. Not all porn is of women who look like this. Amateur porn is one of if not THE most popular varieties of porn. And there is good reason for it - we can relate to it, it is more REAL. I've never heard any man express a desire to be with a woman who looked like this. Seriously. It's not REAL. Men want REAL women, women like them, women they can RELATE to. They would either be really grossed out or extremely intimidated by a woman who looked like that. In 99% of cases they would be grossed out. And I don't see how any of my comments are illogical. I'll explain it for you - if you looked at the same person and ONLY that person day in day out, would you be looking at them with fresh eyes? You'd be bored! If you looked at others occasionally and then looked back at your partner, wouldn't you be looking at what they had that others don't? A beauty spot here, the particular shape of their ears, the way their hair falls...They will never come close to comparing to you and for more reasons than the tangible and the physical.I was trying to help the OP deal with this by seeing some of the positives in porn, because there are some positives. And because porn has always existed in some form or another, it is not going away any time soon and it is now so easily and freely available.In some ways I hate porn but I try to be open minded and make life easier for myself. I'm not gonna sit around hating, I'm gonna think about things and come to diff conclusions and come to see diff perspectives, which is healthy and essential, builds tolerance and makes your relationships and dealings with people more rewarding.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010):
charliesdevil73 Sounds like you chose 'Denial' over accepting your "True" feelings over the matter of your significant other viewing porn.
Matchstick Your comments are illogical. "...some more variety so he can again appreciate YOU even MORE, because you will never be 2nd to any girl on a screen, they will never come close to comparing to you, men are aware that it is all illusory, make believe, fantasy if you will..."
Most real women cannot compare to the airbrushed photo-shopped, fake-breasted, lipo-sucked, glamorously made-up, and whatever other plastic surgery things women have done to look good naked. The more men watch porn, the less they appreciate the woman in their life would be a far truer statement than what you're putting out there.
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (7 October 2010):
From what I can see, you have been together for around ten years, and only this year have you found the porn. I would imagine he's been using it for a fair while, but it's only now that you have found it.If he behaviour hasn't bothered you before- even though he probably has been using porn- then why make a problem of it now? What's actually changed? It doesn't sound like porn has had a negative affect on your sex life.You say the fact porn upsets you should be reason enough to stop. What about the fact that not being able to look at porn upsets your bf? For me, it's not even so much the fact that it's porn, but it's that you want to control him, and want him to put your needs above his EVEN THOUGH you have only recently realised he has been using porn and you haven't had any complaints thus far. I can see it from both sides, however, for me, trying to control someone, and moreover control what someone does even when you are apart, is a greater evil than him looking at a bit of porn which, incidentally, you wouldn't have noticed until you found the browsing history.
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reader, Matchstick +, writes (7 October 2010):
I agree completely with person12345. Still confused about the diff between soft core and hardcore - there were 2 diff explanations given??! Interesting that you have only just found out about this after 10 years??!
I try to suggest lots of options to my bf, that I am willing to provide him with material etc. I feel EXACTLY the same, fine if you're single but I didn't expect it in a relationship!!! Boy was that an illusion SHATTERED!!! REALLY, trancedrhythmear?? You give me great hope =) I *WISH* my bf was like you!!! OP, at least consider trying to find something that you're comfortable with that you think he might like (chances are if it's porn, with the exception of deviating too far from the norm, he will like it). What bothers me is the separation, not feeling included, feeling it is a distraction from me. His overt comment was cruel and chauvinistic and I would pull him up on that, unless it was in response to something mean that you said! But he should never make you feel like it is special to him and separate from you. Porn should enhance relationships, not divide the partners.
There are a few positives with porn, it could spice things up a bit, make him look at you with FRESH EYES again, give him some more variety so he can again appreciate YOU even MORE, because you will never be 2nd to any girl on a screen, they will never come close to comparing to you, men are aware that it is all illusory, make believe, fantasy if you will (although I have my own issues with the word fantasy, in this context I mean simply that it is NOT REAL).
The fact that it hurts you so much should make him want to MODIFY his behaviour. I would love if my bf gave it up or ONLY watched it with me but I know that - especially the former - is highly unrealistic. If his reasons for using it do not hurt you, which indeed you might be surprised by his reasons, then there are ways to deal with it. Unless it is a severe addiction (which is always about something other than the porn itself) then yes, if you love someone porn is a ridiculous thing to break up over. If he is willing to work with you you can work something out.
You either need to see if you can distract yourself from it and let it go (which I did for most of a year after I found out), if you educate yourself on the positives and then not give it any more thought and energy to grow in your mind (which is more dangerous than it may sound, be warned), or you 2 need to communicate and compromise. He shouldn't ignore your feelings. STAY COMPLETELY CALM and tell him that you don't want to think the worst but his silence may lead you to, that you are giving him a chance to open up and explain himself and that you and your relationship is worth that, isn't it? ALWAYS COMMUNICATE CALMLY, don't accuse, blame or insult!!
Men will lie about porn. Could you believe him that he gave it up for good? That would be a rare person. Beware of the forbidden fruit idea. And lastly, sorry I'm answering your questions out of order, yes there is a difference. What would bother YOU? Pictures of women would bother me, as I feel men would be studying them more closely. Close ups of genitalia do not bother me as it could be anyone! Women who have a similar body to me do not bother me and most likely your partner would be looking at them because they remind him of YOU! If he's watching something he wants to do with YOU or that makes him think of YOU, that doesn't really bother me. Perhaps these things can be outlined and discussed. Wishing you luck :)
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reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Like dirtball said, your comment "just the fact that this upsets me should make him want to stop, no?" is very self-centered. You are thinking about you and ONLY you. Try to look at it from his perspective. He is a guy, he's horny. What is he going to? Masturbate. Why the porn? Men are visual and that type if stimulation helps get the deed done.
On another note, I can sympathize with you. My fiance and I moved in together early April this year. I found out he looked at porn around May sometime. I looked at his internet history in July, I think, and that was like Pandora's box for me. It was hard to deal with. I cried...a lot. I felt everything you are probably feeling. But, like you, I couldn't imagine breaking up with him and didn't want to be in an unhappy relationship. Now, this is what I did. Will it work for you? Maybe.
I talked to him about it. I won't lie, we have had fights over this issue. But, I listened to why he does it. Key word, listen. Don't ask him why and not fully hear him. I told him my main fear, which is that it will become more of that and less of me. He assured me it wouldn't. Now, three months later, it still bothers me a bit but I am so much better. He asked me at one point, "do I treat you any differently now than I did before? Do I act like I love you any less?" The answer to both "no".
It's an issue most of us women will have a problem learning to cope with, but it has NOTHING to do with you. Ask him to hide it better. If you can't see it, that may help. I hated it more when I knew what he was looking at. The less I know, the less I hurt. I really hope this helps you.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Person12345, I think that the point that Gabrielle was trying to make was to get the OP to see this from the other perspective. You're right that just because one person doesn't see it as a problem doesn't mean it isn't a problem to the relationship, but empathy is also important to a relationship.
Look at this statement outside the context of porn:"Just the fact that this upsets me should make him want to stop, no?"
This is actually a very self centered and non-compromising statement. Because I don't like it, he should want to stop. That goes two ways. "Just the fact that it upsets me that she complains about my porn use should make her want to get over it, no?"
Please don't take this as an attack on you OP. It is not meant that way. There is nothing more important to a relationship than communication and compromise. If he understands WHY this upsets you he may want to stop. Many men have great difficulty understanding why porn upsets their partners, because to them it simply is not a problem. Help him understand the "why" and you may make some headway here.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (6 October 2010):
 "Would you give up something you liked as easily if, in your opinion, it did not affect your relationship just because he disliked it?"
I know I'm not the OP, but I wanted to comment on this. Even if one person is of the opinion that it is not harming the relationship, doesn't make it true. If it is harming one person, especially in a pretty big way, then it is harming the relationship, end of story. Regardless of whether the person doing it thinks it's harmful, it is harming the relationship. If this is something that really hurts her and it's not vital to his well-being or something, he should stop or cut way way back regardless of whether or not he thinks it's a big deal. It's not up to him whether it should hurt her or whether it should be a big deal.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (6 October 2010):
 You seem to have diametrically opposing views on the subject of porn. You've said this is a long-term relationship - and then you've gone on to add,
"Just the fact that this upsets me should make him want to stop, no"
I guess this is the line that I think is crucial. You are, of course, entitled to your views on porn - but so is he, and in a 'relationship', compromise needs to be from both sides.
Would you give up something you liked as easily if, in your opinion, it did not affect your relationship just because he disliked it?
As for the type of porn it is - softcore porn normally means pretty girls without clothes with no men involved. Hardcore porn can range from plain-vanilla sex to things that even I don't have a stomach for, so your mileage may vary depending on what he is using.
At the end of the day, you need to decide whether you can compromise. After all this does not appear to be a full-blown addiction.
Forcing him to give up on porn will either make him try to hide it better, or nurture a resentment towards you (not for the porn itself but for the perceived curbs on his freedom).
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reader, dirtball +, writes (5 October 2010):
I hate to say this but all you'll do by forcing him to not watch porn is make him hide it more carefully.
What is it about the porn that upsets you? There is a difference between soft core and hard core porn. Soft core is generally more loving, less focus on penetration, more story, and much less degrading. Hard core... that gets pretty extreme.
You do have the right in a relationship to set rules about what you will or won't stand for. But I do agree with the anon poster who said that if you can't learn to accept it on some level, then you'll have a lot of disappointment ahead of you.
One thing you can do is see if there is an alternative you could provide him to use for his masturbation. Maybe a video of you doing a strip tease for him or some naughty pictures. Then his focus would still be on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): If you can't be with a man who likes porn, prepare to be single. Or lied to.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 October 2010):
Whether or not it's interfering with your sex life is not the issue, it's how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel really bad, you should talk to him. You can't force him to give up porn, but you are perfectly within your right not to want porn in your relationship. Sounds like he's being a bit of a jerk by saying you should be happy he's watching porn and flaunting it in your face.
And don't worry about that study below, not all men watch porn. That study literally talked to 20 self-selected men. They basically went to a campus and went, hey guys we're doing a survey about porn. So yeah, we need 20 of you. And the 20 who went got pushed there by their gfs for having a porn problem. Plus the study didn't ask do you watch porn, it's have you ever watched porn. And the way they surveyed was basically the lousiest most leading questions ever. So yeah, not all men watch porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): In response to "how is our sex life?", I'd say it's varied and very active. We average about 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes more than once per day. I have a a pretty strong sex drive. Sometimes I feel like it's him that doesn't.
We used to try out new stuff pretty often but recently, due to a physical injury I sustained and spent a month in the hospital for, I guess the variety of things we do has gone down. I am in recovery and everything is going slowly back to normal though so the variety is already starting to improve.
I do not want to watch porn with him. I do not watch porn and have no desire to. I feel that if he wants to watch porn, that is fine, but not while he is in a relationship - at least, not with me. I see nothing wrong with masturbation, but I do have a problem with the fact he chooses to consume pornography to do it.
Thanks for your replies so far!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): In response to "how is our sex life?", I'd say it's varied and very active. We average about 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes more than once per day. I have a a pretty strong sex drive. Sometimes I feel like it's him that doesn't.We used to try out new stuff pretty often but recently, due to a physical injury I sustained and spent a month in the hospital for, I guess the variety of things we do has gone down. I am in recovery and everything is going slowly back to normal though so the variety is already starting to improve.I do not want to watch porn with him. I do not watch porn and have no desire to. I feel that if he wants to watch porn, that is fine, but not while he is in a relationship - at least, not with me. I see nothing wrong with masturbation, but I do have a problem with the fact he chooses to consume pornography to do it.Thanks for your replies so far!
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reader, baddogbj  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Pornography study that was doomed to fail after scientists couldn't find a single man who hadn't viewed X-rated material
By DAILY MAIL REPORTER
Last updated at 9:46 AM on 3rd December 2009
Comments (45)
Add to My Stories
Single men watch X-rated material on average three times a week
Scientists studying the effects of pornography fell at the first hurdle - after failing to find a man who had not viewed X-rated material.
The researchers were comparing the views of men in their 20s who had never been exposed to pornography to regular users.
But Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse, of Montreal University in Canada, said: 'We started our research seeking men who had never consumed pornography. We couldn't find any.'
Although hampered in its original aim, the study was then changed to examine the habits of men who regularly used porn.
It found single young men viewed such material on average for 40 minutes three times a week, compared with those in relationships, who watched it 1.7 times a week for 20 minutes.
And it revealed 90 per cent of porn is taken from the internet and 10 per cent from video shops.
Boys first watched pornography when they were just ten years old, the study also found.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1232787/Pornography-study-doomed-fail-scientists-single-man-hadnt-viewed-x-rated-material.html#ixzz11U4Q0jGG
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Porn is porn yes. I'm surprised he isn't at least been honest with you about looking at it. Maybe he knows how super-anti-porn you are? And some guys are embarrassed by masturbation.
You should tell him upfront how you feel about this and let him respond to you. Because it seems like he's prepared to hide this from you for as long as you two are together, unless he knows that guys hooked on porn is (sadly) a normal thing, and that this is an issue for you.
Talk about it with him though. Some guys are willing to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Porn is porn. I enjoy it I wont lie. But come time for a relationship, that stops and my sole attention is on my babe. She deserves that.
You are indeed upset and he has responded rather selfishly. You have a right to be upset as well as I can clearly see any jealousy or any disrespect you find in his usage.
Id get the cat right out of the bag and research porn addiction a bit and find some surveys he could take that could indicate if he is or not addicted, just to be on the safe side. If he is, its a neurological issue and that has nothing to do with you or your guys' sex life being disappointing or pleasureful. It is simply an addiction that needs to be fed regardless.
If he is not addicted (which I hope he's not), then chances are you need to ask him why he is viewing it and if hes satisified with your sex life. If it is that issue, and Id be certain, then compromise with him on some things so that the problem could be fixed and he becomes less apt to view. Im trying to understand yur difficult position. Best to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): My girlfriend and I often watch porn together, whats the big deal?
How is your sex life? Good / Bad / Indifferent? Is he 'happy' with it? Are you happy with it?
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