A
male
age
30-35,
*imario
writes:Hello fellow peers, my alias is dimario, and I am a 20 year old well to do male with a beautiful girl friend whom I have been with since I was 16. But! There is a problem, since I was a teenager ofcourse I masturbated, and that seemed quite okay at the moment. But when me and my girlfriend finally began the sexual staged of our life something interesting happened, more and mote o found myself getting just, shall I say "bored" of sex. It's not that it was a hassle and/or it was routine and consistant, it's simply because the idea of sex just seemed... Unappealing. I went to the male side of my family hoping for empathy but alas I was met with none. The story doesn't end there unfortunatly, I have always found masturbation an awesome experience. And I can do it (because I have a high sex drive) 7 to 10 times a day. Again all of this is sort of fine to me. But all of this is hurting my girlfriend. She believes that she is unworthy and not good enough for me. I often find her when we are in bed, basically throwing herself at me, and sometimes I do it, but only to make her happy(nothing else matters to me then to make her happy), but I personally do not want to do it at all.There was one time where she caught me masturbating, but I'm quite open with it around her, and she ask me if she could " finish me off" and I said that I wad ok. Now this madee feel bad but what really got me was that she ran into another room and when I followed her ,moments after, I found her crying. That made me want to rip myself apartthe main problem is that: I want to be intimate more for the sake of my partner but, I can't put myself into it....Please I often view my actions in the third person, to observe things I can correct and make better, but I can't figure out what to do on this... Thanks in advancehere is another thing that I hope will help, if not... Sorry for wasting your time...-all my life I've always found the idea of kissing the high of any relationship. I mean I can get alot more enjoyment out of kissing then anything else.-I went in this relation because I loved to be around my partner, and when we first started dating I've never ( and I'm so serious) ever had a thought about doing anything more then hugging her or giving a kiss. And she felt bad seeing as she thought about things more, down the linewell that's it.... And now that i put thus down on in text..... My situation seems quite, unimaginable. But please it's very real and I NEED this answer from you guys, thanks again-dimario-
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): just a thought, have you ever tried not masturbating At All one day and seeing if you fancy your gf then? I'd definately give that a try if you haven't. By the sounds of what you had written you haven't gone a day without getting yourself off, i just wonder what the situation with not wanting your gf would be if you werent always doing it yourself. Other then that, i agree with jilly and chigirl. Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): it cud be a phase.. are you attracted to other girls? you seem to be stuck somewhere and its not fair to drag your gf in it.. so first thing i guess you shud tell her about it.. tell her how u feel about her (genuinely) and tell her ur habit.. i think she'll be supportive.. then as suggested i think u shud go to a therapist..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Sexual addiction is indeed real but very misunderstood...what you are actually addicted to is the chemicals released by your body by orgasm. The problem is a little complicated to explain in one paragraph and I'm on my way out the door at this moment so all I have to say at the moment is...do some research on the internet. This is something you are going to need some help with, you can visit npsupport.net for help from other men in a similar situation that can stear you in the right direction. If you ever want to have a 'normal' relationship, you will have to fix this :( Your girlfriend will need help also, to understand that there is nothing wrong with her and that it is indeed 'your' problem. Good luck young friend :) You sound like a sweet man.
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female
reader, almc  +, writes (11 August 2010):
don't take this the wrong way, but you say its not her. Maybe you don't want a her and you want a him? Maybe you see her more as a best friend then a gf? I think you should go and talk to someone, and see but from reading what your saying, you love her as a friend. Good luck.
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female
reader, sillygoose +, writes (11 August 2010):
try to cut down on the masturbation and you might want sex more. i know it'll be hard but that would probably help. if you masturbate that much i'm sure you have nothing left for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Hello Dimario,
I have read your question a couple of times, and of course read the numerous replies, although one of them was most unhelpful. Very little advice, just a series of expletives!
Lets start with what you see as a high sex-drive, mainly I presume because you masturbate 7-10 times a day, well, I'm not sure I would call this a high sex drive, as clearly you don't desire sexual intercourse. No do I see it as an addiction either, more of a case, of something you have built up over time, since your teens, and anything we do becomes habit after six weeks - FACT, it takes about six weeks of doing something on a regular basis, whatever it may be, to become a set pattern that without even thinking about it, we tend to do, so if we attempt to alter or stop ( cold Turkey )it will be very difficult in deed. Most times what has become the habit, has to be decreased over time.
Addiction is where, if you were to just STOP in most cases, for example alcohol or drugs, as they are the simplest explanations, would cause PHYSICAL withdrawal symptoms. Now if you were just to STOP masturbating, it would cause no physical symptoms as such, apart from YOU missing it, it would cause you no harm. I wanted to clear that part up first.
Secondly, you don't mention your childhood at all, your relationship with your mother, father, siblings....And you do mention you went to the male side of your family but received no advice or empathy whatsoever. So I'm wondering if what you're experiencing is some kind of delayed intimacy problem. Were your family very openly loving, tactile, expressive or kept their emotions under wraps?????
Your girlfriend will of course be very upset by all this, but I'm absolutely sure you are not in any way doing this intentionally, and obviously as your question proves, you want to seek advice and help.
I know you say you love being in the company of your girlfriend, but is that really ENOUGH to be dating someone?
At the MOMENT you are not feeling a connection for you to establish a two-way LOVING relationship. You could in fact have a girl-friend, as in a platonic girl-friend you hang out with, that way the pressure would be OFF YOU to have sex/make love with a girlfriend as most girlfriends would expect this. This is NOT to say I think it's healthy for you to be masturbating and not having a girlfriend, but right now, I'm not sure you're ready for a relationship in a conventional way. It would also prevent an emotional fall-out for your girlfriend. Because the lack of normal connection, is, and will effect her emotionally.
I know someone advised you to tell your girlfriend you love her, and talk to her about it - BUT there wasn't ANYWHERE in your question where you mention that YOU LOVE your girlfriend, and IF you DON'T, don't tell her this. Not everyone loves their girlfriend or boyfriend, which is exactly WHY they don't go forward and progress into long term relationships. So please don't mislead her. You only say I LOVE YOU, when you feel it, not otherwise.
I feel there is a lot of underlying issues with you, and certainly more connected to intimacy and emotional problems. I wonder if you're afraid of becoming completely OPEN to your girlfriend emotionally. This can happen if one is not accustomed to lots of verbal and physical displays of intimacy growing up, but only you know about that.
It's obvious your issue is quite complex, and my advice would be to see a therapist/counsellor to talk all this through - they would deal with everything from early childhood right up to the present day, and explore various methods of working with you to resolve this issue, if in deed their is an issue, just may be wean yourself of masturbation.
Lastly I think you come across as a nice, warm, intelligent guy, so please give some thought to seeing a therapist, you have nothing to lose, and may be something to gain!
Good luck..
Jilly
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 I don't think you have a high sex drive as maybe not that high of a sex drive? If you don't want to have sex with your woman, then it is not a high sex drive that causes any of your problems. It is the lack of a sex drive, and possibly an addiction to masturbation.
This sounds like a mental issue to me, something that could only be resolved by you going to see a therapist. First off there is a problem with being intimate with your girlfriend. You need to talk to her about this, and tell her it is not her, that you love her, but that you just don't feel lust in your body. That intimacy is something you don't crave, and you are not sure why or how to get over it. If you ever can. This can be something that is deeply rooted in you, a sort of asexuality.
Second, you are addicted to masturbation. Your lack of desire for intimacy can, but also may not, be linked to your addiction. They could be two separate issues, where the lack of desire for intimacy is a side-effect of your addiction. A therapist will help you sort this out and figure out how these two issues are connected, if they are at all connected.
So first off all I will advice you to google and read up on asexuality and addiction to masturbation. See if you recognize yourself in any descriptions and symptoms. Then I will advice you to contact your doctor and be referred to a therapist.
Talk to your girlfriend about all of this. Of course it is ripping her apart that you do not want to be intimate with her. It will destroy her in time. If you love her, you either need to sort out your problems so that you can be intimate with her, or let her go so she can find a man who will satisfy all of her needs. But first off, try and seek help and attack your problem. Keep her updated on what you will do and how things progress, and hopefully she will be understanding, and not be so hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): To be honest, any guy who starts off by saying he's "well to do", annoounces an alias, assumes his girlfriend doesn't feel she's worthy and acts all introspective and considers himself in the third person comes off as, well, very self centered. Coupled with your focus on masturbation, I would say so. You need to consider your girlfriends feelings. It is not normal she woudl run away crying after jerking you off. Something is up here, and it's not all about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): sorry m8 i think you could do better rather than that crap yh i mean why would sum1 wanna masturbate all his/her life and not thinking of doing the rite thing(sex)am telling you that masturbating is an artificial crap and you should stop it and start doin the rite thing(sex)_ real tlk m8 promise you would enjoy it! not being rude jus the fact.
cheers......davijuni
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Hmm...Portnoy's complaint? You aren't the only person to be addicted to masturbation, y'know. But you seem like a decent guy who really feels for his girl, and that must be a good starting point, right?
It's going to be a difficult task getting out of this for you. 7-8 times a day points to addiction in a bad way and I hope there are some Uncles on here who may have more of a practical insight to share with you.
I can only suggest something you might want to try if your girl is agreeable which might take your relationship from romantic to sexual. Surely when you masturbate you think of something/someone? Maybe it's your girlfriend herself? Why don't you ask her to be there when you do it? She can start by using her hands, letting you ejaculate on her body. Build up a familiarity with her presence while you masturbate and a comfort level should build up tying her into your fantasies. From there to more active participation by her in your ejaculation (like, for example, a blowjob) and there to intercourse...
Finally it's going to be all in your mind, you know. Don't do it because you think you should be satisfying her - do it because you want to. There are men who would give both their hands for a caring, loving, sexually active girlfriend. You seem to prefer your own hands. It's going to have to be a choice you make.
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reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (11 August 2010):
 are you sexually attracted to her... or (no offense) women in gerenal? it seems that nothing is wrong with your sex drive so there must be something else.
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Well if you spend sooooo much time on yourself, when do you have time for anyone else??? Your partner has hands, and she seems willing to help, so give her a chance.
Take some of that time you spend on you, and spend it getting your parnter stimulated.
Let's see...Tools you bring to sexual pleasure...hmmm, or yeah, your hands.
Tools a woman brings to sexual pleasure... Not just her hands, that for sure.
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