A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi fellow advice givers, I am dating my boyfriend of almost two years now and I have a few things I need help with. 1.) In all of my relationships, whether it's romantically with another guy, friends, or family, I have always been the giver and I usually get stepped on/disappointed. I love my boyfriend to death, but how do I get him to start showing me, rather than telling me, that he loves me? I think after 18 years it's MY turn to start receiving because this is just getting ridiculous. I'm sick of being the giver and bending over backwards (btw, this makes me feel really selfish even thinking about this... see my predicament?)2.) How do I get my boyfriend to be more spontaneous? Our personalities are mostly opposite, but not so far a part that we cannot get along. We bring out the best in each other, but he doesn't really like to do the things I like. Rollercoasters are a HUGE part of my life and I love just being random and going to street fairs and things last minute. He has a comfort zone, and I want to help him break out of this BEFORE we get bored and just not include each other in planning things out. 3.) Whenever I approach him with things he needs to work on, I ask him if I need to change or fix things. He says "no" almost every time. I even look him in the eye and tell him to be honest. I can't be THAT perfect can I? It's like I'm always going to him with stuff.4.) This question goes out to people who have been in a long relationship, like marriage. Do you feel like you can't be a part from your spouse/lover? That you wish you could just stay there forever in that moment? Sometimes I think that my bf doesn't need me as much as I need him or that I love him more (again, the "giver" aspect of my personality). I know this is a lot to process, so if you can provide some advice to one of the topics that would be great 33.) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (22 July 2012):
 I would be completely upfront then and tell him that you would like him to initiate and plan some things for the two of you to do together. It is possible that you have been enabling this behavior by planning everything the two of you do. Take a step back, fill your time by doing some things you enjoy doing without him, and let him make some plans. In other words, let him call you. If this goes on for weeks, and he does not try to do anything, then he may not be the guy for you. He should be motivated enough to WANT to spend time with you. So, like the other poster said, tell him to surprise you. It sounds like you have things in common, so this should not be hard.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 July 2012):
 if he is not initiating nice things like he used to and if he is leaving all the organizing to you then either he is taking you for granted (which is not good) or he has lost confidence to suggest outings and feels that the only way to please you is to let you decide where the outings will be. (that's not good either)
If he is taking you for granted that is a really bad sign as that the step before a guy loses interest completely.
Don't make it too easy for him.
Let him know that you would like him to initiate every second outing that you go on.
Challenge him.
Tell him to surprise you.
And give him some praise for just initiating an outing.
Don't find fault if it is not exactly to your taste.
But DO praise him to the heavens any time you especially enjoy one of the dates he initiates.
And it is not a contest. Do not try to make your the choices you make for the dates you initiate to outshine his choices for dates. And accept his constructive criticism if he does not like one of your choices. With time he too may be able to accept the contructive criticism you may eentually offer for anything you do not enjoy.
Then work towards a happy middle ground where you both grow together respecting each other's preferences and choices.
Think of it as a Work in Progress as you learn more about each other and develop the relationship further.
if he is not willing to try then you may have to have a serious discussion on why he is unwilling to try to make this work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe do have a lot in common as far as general interests. We are both musicians and have same taste in music, books, movies, things like that. So no problem there. He doesn't really "ask me out" anymore like he used to. I feel like I always have to initiate the hanging out. Which I don't mind because I love to spend time with him, but it would be nice to hear him come up with some things. What I want is for him to try. If he doesn't like doing __, then fine we won't anymore or I'll look for some other friends to go with. But I would like to share my life with him rather than always going out and leaving him at home or having to look for someone else to go with me.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (22 July 2012):
Well like that saying goes, "No good deed goes unpunished." It sounds like you're asking us how you can "change" your boyfriend. You can't change anyone. You already know that you are quite opposite but you get along. People actually have better relationships when they are more alike, the whole "opposites attract" thing is for the most part BS but of course there are people that would disagree with that. Your relationship would probably be more fulfilling to you if you were with someone that was also spontaneous, had the same inerests, and was giving like you are.
I'm not saying to dump your boyfriend or anything, but you might need to start getting used to the fact that you two don't actually have much in common and in the long run, he's not going to change and you're not going to be happy. Some people (like yourself) are more adventurous, some people (like him) are more low key and are just fine hanging out and doing routine things. There's nothing wrong with being either of those things, it's just that they don't necessarily equate to a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (22 July 2012):
Plus, I think we need to know exactly what problem you want to work on. You can't ask the guy to change his personality. If you want to do spontaneous, and he doesn't, you are going to have to be the instigator. Some people just aren't spontaneous. If he doesn't like to do spontaneous things, but you want to be with him, you need to find some good girlfriends that will go be spontaneous with you. Most adults I know rarely do spontaneous because they have jobs, kids, and other responsibilities and things have to be planned out.
I think we also need to know what his style is. If you are doing everything and he is not doing anything, then you are going to have to sit and talk with him in a mature way about all of this.
Surely he gives something to the relationship or you would not have been with him this long.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (22 July 2012):
I think I am still a bit confused on what you're wanting. Is your guy completely lazy and never takes the intiative on anything? Does he ever ask you out? Does he ever do nice/considerate things for you? I think I need some more information before I answer your question. By the sounds of your question "What should I say/do if he asks if something is wrong?", it makes it sound like you are just going to mope around until he decides to question you. So, can you talk about some things you are wanting from him specifically?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 July 2012):
hi
It is a fallacy that you have to share every single very private minute thought you might be mulling over in your head with a boyfriend.
In the short term it is perfectly acceptable to switch and talk about anything that happened that day,
Or in the short term you can talk about a coming event. Or about something in the community or a project you worked on.
You can also turn on the 'open question' technique by asking him:
'tell me the time when you.....'
'what have been your three greatest achievements so far....'
'what are your thoughts on ......'
'how did you manage to.......'
Long term when you are completely in sync and know each other very very well then both parties will be on a deeper level, and may even understand each other very well before the other even says a word.
Yes you adore this guy now, but please be careful to ensure you have fallen in love with the guy he truly is right now.
And that you have not fallen in love with an idealised version of who you believe he is capable of being.
When you are in sync then the trust is high. And a partner will even put up with activities/hobbies that are not strictly their 'thing' all because the partner loves it.
So my friend and her husband regularly attend as spectators at games (which she hates) and go for drives in rural areas looking for obscure little shops selling things she likes to do with her hobby (which leaves him cold). They do these things for each other because they love each other. That's what people in love do.
Personally i don't think divulging every little thought does much for a relationship.
I think only a psychoanalyst might derive some benefit.
Better to focus on real issues in your current life that are real to you and him.
Like where do you see your life heading in 5 or 10 years or even 30 yaears.
Another good tip is to establish what are some of your thoughts, values, attitudes to some things that could affect you if the relationship became very long term.
Like your attitudes to budgeting, family,and how you would like to live in the future.
Those topics could keep you in conversation for years.
But remember that silence is good too. When you are in sync then even silence is OK. Because there is trust there.
Regards
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat should I do/say when he asks me what's on my mind? I don't want to lie, but I want to apply some of the advice (especially from Abella and BondGirl72.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): "how do I get him to start showing me, rather than telling me, that he loves me?"You can't "get" boyfriend to do anything he is not otherwise inclinded to do. If he's telling you he loves you but not showing it, then believe his actions (or lack thereof) and not his words. If he really loved you, then he would be showing you. "how do I get my boyfriend to be more spontaneous"Do the exact opposite of what it would take for him to "get" you to be more reserved, cautious, and methodical. Impossible? Exactly my point."Whenever I approach him with things he needs to work on, I ask him if I need to change or fix things. He says "no" almost every time. I even look him in the eye and tell him to be honest. I can't be THAT perfect can I?"Boyfriend isn't asking you to change or fix things because you're perfect, he accepts you for the imperfect person you are, warts and all. In his eyes, your redeeming qualities outweigh any perceived shortcomings, that's why he's your boyfriend. If there was anything you needed to change or fix to suit his tastes, then he wouldn't be your boyfriend, he'd be with someone else whom he could accept for the person she is without having to change or fix things for him to accept her. "Do you feel like you can't be a part from your spouse/lover? That you wish you could just stay there forever in that moment?"No. A successful couple is a collaberative working partnership, a blend of two compatible yet complimentary personalities, smart partners realize that pursuing their own interests ultimately benefits each other as couple is strengthened and enhanced when two individuals make their own unique joint contributions to partnership. That's why they're called JOINT contributions, not SEPARATE contributions, when spending time apart each partner is not pursuing a SEPARATE interest, each is pursuing a JOINT interest to benefit partnership. To be kind, you keep getting stepped on and disappointed because you have a immature, simplistic, unrealsitic, magical perception of "love" as your post contains almost all the classic catch-phrases of DC dysfunction:"I love him to death""He tells me he loves me""How do I get him to . . .""He needs to change and work on things""I'm sick and tired of being the one . . ." "When will it be my turn""I can't be apart from him""I wish it could be like when we first met" (Only glaring admission is "He treats me like a queen")To quote my late mother (married once for life): "You know you're in love when you want to do more for him/her than you'd do for yourself."
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 July 2012):
 Everything in your submittal points to you selecting "taker" guys as boyfriends. Since it's happened more than once (no?) you have now conditioned yourself to have it repeat.... so you behave in the manner that you feel best protects you from the pain and disappointment that you expect from this - or the next - boyfriend....
You can break this cycle ONLY when you decide that you're going to pick a great B/F.... who, evidently, meets the standards that you expect of a B/F.... and learn for yourself, early-on, if a guy who you date is "up" to your expectations.... There almost-certainly IS such a guy "out there".... but you have to search carefully to find him...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (21 July 2012):
One thing I would suggest if you want to be on the receiving end is stop "doing" for everyone. Sometimes it is in our personalities that we must do things for everyone, but when they do not reciprocate, we get disgruntled. Take a step back and see what happens. Some people just are not "givers" and will not step up, but others will. Your boyfriend may not naturally be giving, but if you stop trying so hard, he will have to step up if he wants the relationship.
The trouble I always have with this is that others are not always on my time schedule. If I want to do something for someone, it doesn't take me three days to think of the idea, two days to muster up the energy to do it, and another day to put it into action. For some people, it takes them twice as long to put a thought into action (mainly I would be talking about some boyfriends here).
When they don't spring into action and show me they care, then I get anxious and worried that something is wrong, they have lost interest, or just don't care anymore. That is not always true.
My advice would be to take a step back and see if others start doing for you. It may not be YOUR STYLE, which is another thing that can be confusing. For some people, less is more. For others, they like people doing for them 24/7. Figure out what your boyfriend's style is and compliment him when he does something for you or takes you somewhere.
As for being spontaneous. Once again, take a step back. It may take days for anything to happen, so you must be patient. Then again, nothing may happen. Some men are just not spontaneous. Sometimes that is what attracts us to them. Instead of being spontaneous they are more deliberate and measured, and we look up to them for that. You talked about doing things last minute...I am not like that at all, although I can take some of it. If it is not in his comfort zone, you have to be careful you are not trying to force him to change his personality. But you can still suggest doing certain things like ...just taking off to the street fair.
I guess it all depends on what actions you want from your boyfriend. Mine always leaves me notes or sends me special emails, etc. I want someone to spend time with me just sitting and talking or taking a walk. He also teases me and flirts with me. I could care less about material presents, flowers, etc. I buy myself everything I need and don't need that kind of thing. So, think about your boyfriend's style.
If you still find he doesn't put his love into action, you may need to respectfully discuss this with him. Tell him you would like to be surprised with a weekend trip, a dinner out, or whatever it is you are thinking about.
As for the being apart question...as long as we are connecting on a daily basis, yes, I can be apart from him. Sometimes I REALLY WANT to be with him near him, but in reality, that isn't always possible. An email or a phone call can make me feel connected with him though, so I can get through a day.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
First off you are GIVING far too much if the balance is unsettled between the two of you. Don't be so quick to step in and give and hope he might return the favour. If that is not who he is then he will not.
Some people who like to 'take' / receive actually seek out people who are 'givers'. And some givers love to find a person who seems in need of additional love. In the long run it is not healthy.
Boundaries and some standards are healthy between people. No one has the right to only expect to receive and no one should have any expectation that 'giving' will be rewarded and crecriprocated. In many instances a 'taker' will just leave when confronted by less 'giving' and so will move on to find another 'giver' as that is what they have come to expect and think they need.
Trying to change a man from who he is, to who we would like him to become, is losing proposition. IF he does not want to change.
You can change your approach, if you want to. But although that may elicit a different response from him, there is no guarantee.
But if he still remains fixed in his view then it will become a losing situation for you.
However you can try some positive reinforcement.
When he behaves in a way you like (even if it is just one tiny aspect of his actions) then praise him immediately. Give him a hug or a kiss or reward him immediately in a way that will mean something to him and in a way that he will perceive as positive.
When he behaves in a way you do not want then ignore the behaviour. But do not give him even negative reinforcement. I know, it will be hard to say nothing. I am NOT suggesting you give him the silent treatment as I regard that as nasty. And it is Negative reinforcement designed to try to manipulate another person. It is not a good option.
Instead appear not to notice the unacceptable behaviour. Certainly do not give him any positive reinforcement nor any negative reinforcement. Zip your tongue. Don't give him a 'look' nor a raised eye brow. Don't flouce around. Don't bang the saucepans as you wash them.
Just get on with things.
If he wakes up to the fact that he is being ungenerous with you then maybe he will have a light bulb moment.
But if he does not you can either accept that you are stuck with a guy with limited empathy and a sense that he is entitled to receive.
Or you can love on to find a guy where the relationship is more balanced and equitable (fair) to both paties.
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