A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Im Not sure what to do about my reationship.I have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years now and living with her for the last 2 yrs.We have never had intercourse yet because she is scared of getting pregnant and probably would like the security of marriage and I don't have a problem with that.However I would like to have a more physical intimate relationship with her as at the moment we don't have this. When we first moved in we were intimate with each other about every 2-3 weeks but this has gradually gone down to about every 6 months. We are both virgins and I understand that she is shy etc but I can't understand why she is reluctant to be intiamte with me. When I try to get intimate she always comes up with an excusse not to.I have tried to talk to her about this on several occasions but she never says anything and just trys to brush the subject off and does not appear willing to address the situation.I have told her that I can wait for full intercoures untill we get married and only want to be intimate as we were when we first moved in together. I am not asking for anything we hav'nt already done.I would marry this girl and I have thought about asking her on her 30th bithday in 6 months time but latley I have been having doubts as I fear her lack intimacy will continue into marriage and this scares me.I just don't now wither to ask her to marry me to try and move things on or just to end the relationship before it is too late.
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both virgins, moved in, shy Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Kimaxsi  +, writes (1 May 2008):
A list of possibilities?Some other posters have mentioned sexual abuse, and that may be the case. As a victim of sexual abuse I know how much that can affect and even poison relationships. If this is the case she needs to talk to someone about this, maybe a therapist to start and then she'll work up the nerve to speak to you. People who have been sexually abused have often experienced severe emotional trauma and made to feel awful about their bodies and sex and its almost like being brainwashed really. I am married and me and my husband have a healthy sex life now but it was a little rough to start. You have proven yourself trustworthy and a good guy by not forcing the sex thing, but she can't hide from this issue forever. Intimacy is a part of a healthy relationship. On another note b/c I was abused I was so scared of having children, they say abuse is cyclic I had so many fears now I have a daughter and I don't know why I was afraid b/c I'd never do such a thing. But fear isn't really rational. I can't promise if she was abused that she will get to a point where she will want to be sexual, she may totally turned off from sex. I got to that point and I really feel if people work through their issues and have a good healthy relationship they'll usually get there b/c most humans want for the same things.Does she take any meds, like anti-depressants? Those can really curb your sexual desire. She may be asexual, yes there are people who are asexual and she may feel guilty and or embarrassed by her lack of desire and afraid if she tells you that you'll leave her. The lack of libido, could be caused by something physical or emotional but it really could just be the way she is and if she just is asexual can you handle that? She might want to go to a doctor though some conditions can cause this and they do have meds now for women that increase drive.Do she appear depressed? That could do it too.She might not be sexually attracted to men, and maybe she hasn't come to terms with it. Do you know or have you noticed if she's shown interest in women? This isn't to say she doesn't love you but she may only be sexually into women.She may have feelings for someone else (not to scare you b/c it may not be the case at all) but if she did that would explain the lack of being intimate with you.Maybe she loves you as a friend only, but loves you so much she hates the thought of letting you go or losing you.I doubt its shyness, b/c if she was that shy it would impede other areas of her life, though I suppose its possible she has a specific phobia. Or she might have body issues or other insecurities but your relationships been long enough, I'd be amazed that those would not have come up by now.Maybe she has unusual fetishes, now I know you might think I am daft but for example say she had a shoe fetish, and shoes do it for her, she may require her fetish object to find sexual pleasure. Obviously if she had fetishes those would be very difficult to confess to. This really is a condition I am not being silly here. Fetishes can be treated with therapy but you need to be willing to work with her on this.Do you know if she masturbates? Whatever the case you need to get this girl talking, b/c only she can tell you what's up...
A
female
reader, rorowes +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Marriage is not just a piece of paper, but it doesn't grant your every wish either. Marriage is not the answer in this case. If she is not communicating with you, that is a serious problem, more so than the lack of intimacy. Couples counseling could help with this, but she has to talk to you in some fashion. The next time you bring it up to her, let her know that this effects the future of your relationship, or lack there of. If she still insists on not sharing intimacy with you, then it may be time to move on. I hope it all works out for the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Sadly, you may have to pretend that other women are interested in you in order for her to go the extra mile. I know a lot of women who show no interest in having sex for one reason or another, but who become sexual animals once they suspect that their guy has other women interested in him. Maybe you can talk a lot about a new coworker whom you have lunch with, etc. In fact, getting a few real female friends may help. You may be surprised at how quickly she turns around.All you will be doing is get her to focus on what's important -- the relationship -- as opposed to whatever selfish reason she may have.If you hanging out with other women don't awaken her fighting instinct, then you have a bigger problem than just sex.
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A
female
reader, lexilou + ♥, writes (1 May 2008):
 It sounds to me she has a real problem with sex for some reason, you can stop getting pregnant easily so there must be something else preventing her. You need to sit and talk to her and maybe even suggest counselling for any previous trauma or sex counselling. Its nice that youve stuck it out so long you must really love and respect her x
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Wow it is very rare indeed that a couple who co-habitate are still virgins and even rarer in England that they are nearing thirty too.
Have you guys ever discussed contraception? I would take a trip to the local family planning clinic, I mean you are adult enough to live together, surely you are adult enough to use contraception. Do you guys come from a strict religious background, where premarital sex is frowned upon?
This is the only advice I can give you guys,I will wait and see what the other aunts think.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Maybe there are other deep-seated reasons for her reluctance, but it's a worrying factor that she's not willing to discuss it.
I'd certainly be very wary of entering a marriage that threatened to be a celibate one unless I was quite happy about that state of affairs.
She could go on the pill and you could also use condoms so I doubt that a fear of pregnancy is a prime reason for her reluctance. It's only a guess, but has she perhaps been abused - or worse- in the past? Shyness seems unlikely too, especially if you've been living together for two years. Marriage doesn't give security anyway - it's just a piece of paper, so any security is purely a state of mind.
Be cautious. Very cautious.
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