A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has broken plans with me two nights in a row after a show/performance he recently had. Everything was going quite well up til then. I kindly expressed to him some discomfort with him never introducing me as his girlfriend, even though we've been together for a year and it says status on facebook and we have matching tattoos. It seems after his show he is on some independence high. Like he is trying to prove to me that he answers to no one. It's giving me anxiety and I feel him pulling away. I've cried and haven't slept because of it. He has this pattern to pull away at times and it scares me. All I wanted was some reassurance through this and instead he gets cold. I believe he loves me but is always scared of forever losing his independence so he does this. What should I do moving forward?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo sex when I slept over. :( just awkwardness and anxiety.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 July 2011):
 He is blowing you off.
"...the following two nights we had plans to meet for dinner and or movie. The first he bailed to watch a concert with some friends (one of which includes a girl who has a crush on him"
RIGHT THERE is a big problem. If he wanted to change plans on a night where he already had plans with YOU, he should have said "Let me check with the gf and invite her along".
He decided at that moment, you were no longer a priority.
"he tried to cancel on me so he could have a beer with a buddy. I said I was already nearby because we had plans and that I could give him some time and pick him up, but then he got upset and didn't want me to swing by and get him...which made me nervous like he wasn't with a buddy"
People who have nothing to hide. HIDE NOTHING. He was being secretive and defensive, over a beer with a buddy? I doubt it.
"He says I should be more flexible and mature when it comes to our relationship. "
He wants what works for HIM. YOUR feelings are not part of the process. He does not offer any flexibility towards you.
My last bf who told me he needed some "space" with his "friend" got his space. PERMENANTLY. He wanted to go check out the sparks with an old gf and wanted to keep me as the back up if things didnt work out. I removed the option entirely.
So, on the night you slept over, did you have sex? If so, he is using you as a booty call, not a real GF.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2011):
 why be afraid that a man who disrespects you like he is doing is going to break up with you.
he canceled plans to go out on a date with another woman and a friend of his... then he comes and gets into YOUR bed...
oh hell no....
you beat him to it and dump his ass.
let him have his freedom and see how he likes it.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (15 July 2011):
I cannot call this advice, but it might be helpful as an explanation. I know through over 30 years experience (with union card)in the profession how difficult being an actor is. Performing may look easy but it isn't. Medical experiments have consistently confirmed that professional actors' (those that rely on acting for their daily bread, not people who act for a hobby) stress levels on opening night are equivalent to those of a car accident victim. And as you said, this is the first time he's worked in six months, so he's also hoping someone who can give him his next job might be in the crowd. There is a peculiar state of mind common to actors after a performance which makes it hard to come down to earth, and the main after show conversation consists of a dissection (much more involved than a mere discussion) of everything that happened onstage that night, and how to make it better. It takes a while to relax afterwards, and he might feel torn between being polite to you if you were there and continuing the post-show work (that's exactly what it is) with his castmates. So if you feel sidelined, it's a symptom of how the play is permeating his existence. Whether it's right or wrong is not for me to discuss, but the problem is that pleasing a crowd of strangers (the audience) unfortunately becomes more important at these moments than paying proper attention to the person you love most. That's why actors usually marry actors, and why even when this happens the divorce rate among performers is so high. And did you know that in the old days, actors were forbidden burial in consecrated ground?
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Breaking plans two times in a row shows serious disrespect, whether he wants more independence or not. If he does not understand that, then there is a serious problem there.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (15 July 2011):
Breaking plans two times in a row shows serious disrespect, whether he wants more independence or not. If he does not understand that, then there is a serious problem there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings have been great with us for some time now, yet I was at his show (his first in over 6 months), and was totally fine with him networking and hanging with people while I also socialized and buzzed about the venue. We left together that night. the following two nights we had plans to meet for dinner and or movie. The first he bailed to watch a concert with some friends (one of which includes a girl who has a crush on him so it ended up one couple and him and the girl who likes him...like a double date) and the other night when we were to meet after an event he was working, he tried to cancel on me so he could have a beer with a buddy. I said I was already nearby because we had plans and that I could give him some time and pick him up, but then he got upset and didn't want me to swing by and get him...which made me nervous like he wasn't with a buddy. Both nights that he cancelled, we still met up late and I slept over. But sleeping over is boring, I want some time to feel connected to him and feel loved, and well, I'm just not feeling that all that much right now. The reason I stay is that when we are connected it's awesome. We are loving and goofy and sweet and we sleepover at each other's places almost every night. I'm just nervous that he is on this high of the attention he is getting and is trying to revert back to his "single" days schedule. I've talked to him and it doesn't work. He says I should be more flexible and mature when it comes to our relationship. So I'm still sitting here anxious that he wants to break up or is pushing me away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2011):
my boyfriend picks fights when we get too close and he gets scared.
I used to just fight back but it didn't work well.. then I figured out what he was doing and I just walked away
I also tell him he's picking fights and to stop it.. being aware of your behavior and why you do it is half the battle.
so you need to sit and talk to your bf and tell him how you feel and why and then you need to ASK him how he needs you to respond to make him more comfortable.
Personally his not being available after a show (his job I assume) sets up flags to me.. especially with his canceling plans at the last minute... that's a big no no for me on a regular basis. that sounds to me like at the last minute he got a better offer from some groupie or something...
if he gives you anxiety and makes you feel bad what are his good points that make you stay and do they outweigh the bad?
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