A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all! I’m twenty six and recently married, having my first baby. I’m excited, scared and also, so grateful that he’s coming. Our families are excited but at the same time, there’s discord. My Catholic mother wants the baby baptized, we do not. Our families also believe in circumcising, we do not. My mother wants our son to call her husband “grandpa” and I do not. My father died ten years ago and actually very much disliked my mother’s husband (my siblings, husband and I don’t much like him either) so I’m very against that and have told her that I want my father’s memory to be “grandpa” and maybe, if my son feels a connection with this man, he can come up with his own name for the husband and I won’t object. We’ve been arguing about the baptism and I’ve pointed out time and time again that my husband and I are not practicing Catholics, we’d be lying when taking the oath to raise our baby in the faith. Today, we met up at my house to start organizing and she got there very early, my husband was asleep. I was so happy to see her since we rarely have time together alone. My sister was there as well and I was looking forward to all of us having some girl time full of baby talk etc. She sees that we got a crib and bemoans the fact that her husband got us one as a surprise, I smile and say that’s thoughtful but I really wish that they had told us because it’s one of the most important purchases. She says I’ll hurt her husband’s feelings and I suggest that they keep that crib at their house for when the baby visits. She disagrees and starts saying that she hasn’t cooked breakfast for her husband yet. Maybe it was hormones but I felt angry suddenly and told her that she should go then and do that, come back later if she wanted. I felt so annoyed/angry, like why can’t an able almost 50 year old make his own damn breakfast?! I feel sad now. A baby usually brings a family closer but I’m just thinking that now that I’m really “growing up” my mom and i are becoming as estranged as we’ve been before. Can anyone please give me perspective? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): You and your husband are the parents, you do what you feel is best for your son. Gone are the days when children do what their parents tell them with regards to parenting and how to do it. Fine, practical advice is one thing but baptism and circumcision is your choice for your child not hers or anyone elses. If i am going to give you one bit of advice it might help. When you speak to your mother in future, put aside you are her daughter and think of yourself as an equal adult. When you have conversations she may speak to you in a parent way but you respond as an adult, in doing so you become her equal. Another tip is don't ever finger point if she upsets you, try not to say 'You make me feel' instead say 'I feel' so you are owning how you feel. So for example if she brings up circumcision again you say 'I feel that this is not what i feel is right for my son' no one can argue with how you feel. With regards to your dad, again avoid finger pointing, own your feelings and say 'I feel that i don't want my son to call him grandpa because i miss my dad and would want him to be called that' what you are doing is giving a valid reason which you are owning. And if you feel as strongly as you are saying, own it in your heart and mind and don't lash out, get upset, be defensive, tell her how you feel with confidence and as an adult.Your mum sounds like things evolve a bit around her husband, try not to get upset, you know her shortcomings, focus on your family and being calm for your little man, unfortunately people don't change just because a baby comes into the family i'm afraid. Good luck x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): Babies don't make unreasonable people any less unreasonable or disagreeable people any less disagreeable.
Other aunts have already posted my sentiments regarding baptism, circumcision and grandpa.
I will add that you should remind your Catholic mother that if she married her current husband while your father was alive then she was a bigamist in the eyes of the church unless she obtained an annulment first.
As with many people who try to foist their religion upon others, she seems to be the type who follows doctrine only when its convenient for her.
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A
female
reader, Ms Badger  +, writes (30 May 2018):
Dear anonymous poster,I have been a lurker here for several years but this is my first time answering. Firstly of all I want to say don't worry too much about WiseOwlE's response, I find sometimes he's right on the money and sometimes way off beam with a lot of assumption going on.Sadly babies don't necessarily bring families closer together, save marriages or any of the other things. In my personal experience it has not made my mother grandmotherly, she does the lip service but her interest wanes quickly and she is back to her self-involved self.You are 26 and are still relatively new to the adult to adult relationship with your mother, it can be eye opening and somewhat sad when we realise that our parents are not necessarily wise, mature, fair, logical and so on. You may feel this strongly once you are parenting, once I became a parent I found it hard to reconcile the parental role with the way i had been treated. It opened up a lot of old wounds that I had thought long dealt with.In my opinion I feel that it is good that you have asserted yourself on the issues you feel strongest about. Then it is easier to hold your ground and there can't be any push back along the lines of 'well that's not what you said earlier' etc etc. Grandparents trying to dictate and assert their wishes is just a recipe for disaster. Àdvice is one one thing but expectation is just not on. The thing with the cot is a bit odd, I think most people wouldn't surprise someone with such a major element/purchase. It would be like buying someone a lounge suite because they've bought a house. And why not tell you, it's a reasonable expectation that you would buy one yourselves.It's ok to not like your stepdad, you're only obligated to be civil and pleasant where required. Your mum seems very defensive of him for whatever reason but that's her issue. It's not fair of her to try and guilt you into using his 'gift' so that he won't feel bad. I agree with you to wait and see before he gets grandparent status, it may just be that he is awesome and you want to embrace that role for him. Time will tell.Focus on your family - you, your husband and your baby. If you can, try and have no expectations from your mother and then you are less likely to be disappointed. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): All I will add is that I'm glad you don't believe in circumcision. It's perfectly easy to clean without chopping off, just takes a little practice and teaching. It's a piece of skin that protects them and shouldn't be removed without consent unless it's medically necessary, which it isn't in most cases and America is the only "first world" place that still does it regularly - most others see it as the cruel and unnecessary surgery that it is factually.Stuck to your guns - your baby, your choice. They will either get onboard or you will send them off.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 May 2018):
 This past memorial day weekend, I visited my father's grave. As well as my grandparents, an uncle, and a brother in law. Then I had a picnic with mom. I suppose my weekend was a little different from yours. I'm 52. A bit older than your mom's husband. I'm kind of looking at this from the other side. One of My Daughters is 26 this year. She sometimes tells me she is really growing up now.
My parents had a very strict no interfering policy with their married kids. My in-laws were a bit newer to the process and had to learn when to back off. Generally I used the nevertheless speech when those times came up. "I appreciate your advice, nevertheless we have decided to do this instead." That is my first bit of advice, learn to say "nevertheless".
Second is the question of religion. Reading between the lines I take your statement "my husband and I are not practicing Catholics" to mean that you an non practicing Catholics. You may not have been in a church since you were baptized. Your history is not as important as that you have consciously decide not to practice Catholicism. You feel that it would be Wrong to promise to raise your child in the faith when you in fact do not intend to. This also leads me to believe that you really don't believe that the sacraments of the Catholic church are necessary for salvation. Based on those assumptions, I agree with you that you should not do the baptism. Circumcision is not religiously required of you in any way. There is no reason you should operate on an infant that doesn't need it.
Personally I believe that everyone should have some moral code in their life. I hope that you are able to find one that fits you , that you can share with your son. Boys are coming into a world that doesn't want them much. He will need something solid to build himself on.
Congratulations on the marriage and the incoming bundle of Joy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): Original poster here. Thank you for both of your answers and if I seemed rude and ungrateful Wiseowl, please let me clarify: I love my mother but our past has been fraught with a lot of things, beatings that would be considered abuse these days, humiliation and blame. We reconnected because my father my died, and she began to explain things in a clearer light including the way she was raised. Religion, circumcision are two things I refuse to force on my child. Not because I think I know better than she does, but because ultimately, I want my son to have choices in what he eventually will believe in as well as his own body. We are horrified by female circumcision so I don’t want to make that choice for my son. Now, as to her husband, he has disrespected me and my father multiple times. My father is dead and unable to defend himself, but this man finds some kind of joy in tearing him down and trying to compare himself to him. When we’ve come to visit in the past, he would make weird comments about my husband and I and if we tried to explain that we weren’t comfortable, he would continue like he’s entitled because he’s “joking.” He once showed my husband a video that was being passed around at his job of a gross sexual act. I’ll leave it at that. I don’t get to see my mom often, she still works and so do I. This would’ve been the first time I’ve seen her in a month, but she’s more interested in cooking for him. Yes, I was upset and still am. She sees him every day, a bowl of cereal wouldn’t have killed him. As to the crib I genuinely thanked them as it was unexpected but we picked out the model we had for specific reasons and I didn’t want to lie since they would eventually see where our baby would be sleeping. I made the suggestion of keeping the crib at their home because I know my mom is making a place for the baby there and I thought it’d be a nice touch that’s encourage the thought that we’d try to be there more often. I didn’t want to say “return the crib, we have one.” She and her husband have been married three years and knew each other briefly 10 or so years ago. I’m sorry but I’ve never bonded. I’ve done my share out of respect and love for my mother like paying for him to come back to the country and giving him full use of my vehicle when he did not have his own etc. I will continue to help them in any way I can because he is my Mother’s husband but as to the grandpa title? No. Call me a bitch but it’s not happening. I’m not over the fact that my dad is dead and will never see his grandchildren. I’m not over the fact that this man disrespected him. Like I said, if my son feels a bond and wants to use a special nickname etc I won’t object or discourage him. Of course I’d be devastated if I lost my mother, and my condolences WiseOwl, that you’ve lost yours. Obviously you were very close to her. But please be mindful that even on the internet, you don’t get full stories and i realize I open myself up to critique when asking for advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): Mothers and daughters! Oh, my!
Pregnancy hormones will shorten the patience and heighten all your sensitivities! So can mothers! They can find the very last nerve, and pluck it! It's a mother's duty to carry-on tradition, introduce the practiced-religion into family culture; and stick her nose where it usually isn't wanted. That's her job. You're going to be a mother, and you will soon learn how hard it is.
You have to learn to humor your mother; and finesse-off, or dodge, her meddlesome ways. Let her make suggestions; but don't always have a ready retort; and be so totally resistant. Always locked and loaded; and prepared to fire-off an on-the-spot response. Undoing everything she has ever done; to spite her for whatever it is you have caught in your gizzard from the past.
My dear, that's exactly how you create tension; and you'll almost always provoke arguments and confrontation.
A Catholic mother isn't a Catholic mother unless she provokes guilt and stirs a little shame. Can't you sometimes give a less negative-response like: "We'll see!" "That's not exactly what we planned; but we'll think about it." "Mom, I appreciate your suggestion; but we've decided to do something else." Of course she'll persist and nag. So will you, when your child rebels against your wishes and better judgement.
You were totally mean and ungrateful about the crib. You threw it back in her face; then you come here and tried to create a unsavory image of your own mother. Like all she does is cause you grief. Mothers get carried away with over-coddling, being fussy, and trying to rule over your life. If they love you. Oh, my dear, you have so much to learn!
Because you and your mother are cut from the same cloth; it's probably always a battle of wills and a constant push and shove contest. You talk like you were so glad to see her; but your whole post contradicts your own words. You are rebellious, disrespectful, and your rudeness only begets more rudeness. Is your mother a ruthless monster? Then why must you be so contrary to her every suggestion?
Everyone gets up on their soapbox about religion and makes it their business to be scornful and mean towards those who practice worship and religion. Even if they happen to be your own parents?!! Come on! Seriously?!! "We don't believe in this, and we don't believe in that!" No, no, no, no, no, no to everything!!! Never-mind all that parents sacrifice for their kids to give them a decent life, their love, and try to protect them. Does their repayment always have to be disagreement and resentment?
I loved my mother dearly. She passed-away when I was still in my teens. Wish I could trade places with people who don't appreciate their mothers for this dumb reason or that. I'd love my mother to get on my nerves. I miss her like crazy!
Is disagreement all you have to offer the woman who birthed you?
Surely she can be a pain. Wait until your give birth and see what pain you gave her coming into this world! And yet still! She could also die of a brain tumor, and you could lose her like I lost mine.
Can't you compromise, or do just one thing to make her happy? No you've got to go out of your way to show her how unlike her you can be. You disagree, because you're exactly alike; whether you see it or not! That's why mothers and daughters clash!
Well, wait until you're a mom with a daughter your age. They always claim they're not going to be like their mothers. Better yet, wait until yours becomes a teenager!!! What goes around now, will all comeback on you! Only society is going to be a lot different, if not worse, than it is now. So prepare yourself.
Stop being so mean to your mother's husband. She has to like yours!
Things between your mom and dad didn't workout. That's most unfortunate; but when will you grow-up and get-over it?
You're totally resistant and abrasive towards your mother; and it all comes from your resentment and bitterness that she and your father were divorced. Then she married someone else. Someone you don't approve of. She doesn't need your approval. You don't like him? Too bad! He just might be the one to take care of you in a crisis someday. Lets hope that your family remains intact; and you never have to go through the any type of separation. God forbid!
Make piece with your mother. Be kind to her husband. Stop putting up walls and defenses to punish her for the past.
That's what all this nonsense is about. In a flash you could lose her. Then comes all the guilt and regret, wishing that you handled things better. Nothing annoys me more than when people regret things that they could have easily resolved. This is totally one of them! Mother's Day for me is missing my mom! Just holding-on to her memory!
Baby's are not peace-offerings. We make peace by being cordial, tolerant, and respectful of each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): When it comes to bringing a new life into the world you may as well be very clear at the beginning how you expect your mum to act. Therefore its your rules all the way.Mum must promise not to interfere with your decisions so if its a question of no baptism she must promise not to insinuate that the child will go to hell when the child is old enough to understand these concepts..You must make your mum promise to abide by your way or the child will grow up confused and feel undermined in your parenting choices.Yes, your mum has her own experiences and traditions but this is your moment now.When said child has grown up and got married and lives in Tibet possibly, you must abide by the rules of the new parents even if it means saving all worms from the garden before laying a pathway.Keep reminding mum that its your way now and she will try to fit in around your wishes. If all else fails then you must remind her that she did not have the sex that made the child so she cannot dictate whats right and wrong for your family.Your mum may be a Godsend for childminding and laundry but you are the person who is responsible for this new life on earth.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 May 2018):
 There will more often than not be the notion that a baby pulls a family closer, but there will always be parents and grandparents and even great-grandparents who want to "leave" their mark on this new arrival and make choices.
I think you and your husband have EVERY right to decide things such as name, faith, to no circumcise etc. etc. After all YOU are the parents. Personally, my husband an I had most of those discussions as well. I think every new couple of parents have some or all of those talks.
If you and your husband agrees, then do not let family try and make "demands".
HOWEVER, there is always a "nice" way to say no and a rude way.
Now I get that you don't want your mom's husband to be called grandpa - totally get it. That title belongs to your dad and your partner's dad. Your mom, however, was TRYING to bring HER husband CLOSER to the rest of the family with that "title". With a nickname such as grandpa he would at least SOUND like he was part of the family. So in a sense I understand that from her end, however the baby isn't even here so trying to TELL you what this child is going to be calling him... it's a little off. IMHO. Especially if you don't call him dad, step but my mom's husband.
As for the crib... You did nothing WRONG in buying one already. This is not one of those gifts that you can sit on your hands and wait for others to MAYBE purchase! And you might also have a brand, type, color in mind... IF they had wanted to BE the ones buying the crib... they should have told you. And they should have asked make/model/color etc. Some cribs are used from baby crib to teenage single bed. And some cribs are unsafe (older models) so being upset over that... well, it sucks for them but it's NOT like they can't return it, if it was new. And then perhaps ASK what else you REALLY need/want. THE END (on that topic).
My guess is your mom feels a bit left out. After all there are TWO grandma's. So she creates little dramas for attention.
For now, try not to sweat the little stuff. Don't STRESS yourself over things that are NOT important. Her fussing over breakfast for her husband... NOT important. Her fussing that they bought something that is now a duplicate, NOT important... etc. It's like the notions of "pick your battles" really come on the forefront here. If she wants to go cook breakfast for him, well then it's HER loss for not getting to spend time with you and your sister. Know what I mean?
Don't sweat the little things. If you mom wants to make drama out of everything, then give her some space so YOU do not stress yourself.
Focus on the POSITIVE right now. Happy healthy momma equals happy healthy baby.
Not EVERYTHING has to be set in stone right now. You don't have to lay down the law to everyone either, but DO stick to what YOU and your husband wants.
And remember a BABY is NOT a "UN peacekeeper" people will create drama regardless of a new little life or not.
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