A
female
age
41-50,
*ostiam
writes:I lied about my past to my boyfriend of 8 years, now husband of 6 years about my sexual past. He left for college 18 mths after we met with the promise that he will return, in fact he made regular visits back home and each time i would let him feel like i was still faithful, but the truth is i was going around with a lot of men. By the time he was back home 2 yrs after I had gone with approx 11 men plus the 6 i was with before i met him. I told him when we met that i had been with only 2 before him. I cannot understand why i did this to him, i met him at age 17, so i was pretty young but still this wass no excuse. After he came back he had his suspicions but i kept denying until he did what he thought he needed to do and listened in on a conversation i was having with one of the guys. I denied that we had anything again, and he dropped it for a while, i got pregnant two yrs after he was back and decided to change my life after the birth of my child, but i still found myself in the arms of one of the old boyfriends even while i was pregnant, seeking comfort i guess , and i really thought that this guy loved me more, he was kinder, gentler etc. but for some reason i did not want to loose the guy i was with. I eventually confessed after giving my life to the Lord when my child was born, i wanted to live a betterr life for her and thought that if i followed the ways of the Lord then i could be this better person. This led me to confess that i was intimate with the person he listened in on a conversation (mentioned earlier)i had and it ripped him apart, seeing how this one confession tore him up i could not bring myself to tell him of all the others. He stayed and decided that we could work things out and i was relieved, i wanted a good life for my child so months after he proposed i said yes. We got married and not long after i realize that i really was not feeling sexually attracted to him. part of this was that though he said he would forgive me and we would move on, he never let me forget it and i did not know how to deal with the constant reminders of my infidelity. We would argue weeks on and upsets and lack of intimacy would follow for weeks. I got pregnant 2 times after and both pregancies were horrible for me, he was just not supportive and i was left to feel unloved. He says a lot of mean and horrible things and makes no apologies for them. I am not without fault becasue i too started resenting getting married and said thigs like i do not wan to stay married if i was gonna be unhappy. Our marriage broke down, and i did the unthinkable, it was as if my past came to haunt me. I suspected he was seeing and spending a lot of time with someone else and he even lied about seeing the person, he would not talk to her in my presence and would erase calls when she called him or he calls her. He swears a purchase he made on his credit card for her was to facilitate her getting the product cheaper and that he got back his money, but i just did not believe him. We lived terrible for about 2 years into the marriage always fussing,cussing and hurling hatred at each other. We would have a make up session but that was for the moment, i just lost sexaul interest, after realizing this he started accusing me of seeing someone, nedding someone else to sex me and all those negative things. I locked him out, i stopped communicating with him, and just did what i had to do around the house, sex was almost non-existent. I got close to a guy at work and we would talk eveyday, he filled the gap my husband was not filling even if it was just talking, but soon these talks turned into more expressing of affection and desire, to be truthful i enjoyed this attention and how it made me felt and so i went on, talking to him, sometimes accomodating another time reluctant. To sum it up i got into a private place with him because he asked me to do something for him nit related to intimacy, but deep down i will say that i knew he would have made an attempt and yet i went, i allowed him to go too far and though we did not have intercourse we came very close. I felt a rush of guilt and told my husband two weeks after agonising over it. Though my marriage was not strong i did not want to add to all the lies i had in my past. That night i ended up throwing it all on the table, everything about the past relationships while i was with him. At first he thought i should have reported the guy at work becasue he did not stop when i told him to, but i cannot bring myself to do that knowing that i was party to at least past of what happened. I have been brutally honest about all the details but my husband's mind is now a cobweb of what he thinks may have happened while we were married, he now ask a lot of questions seeming to flush out answers and behaviour patterns, I have never really enjoyed penetration, but i let him on to think that i did for all these years and now he thinks i just do not enjoy it with him. He has gone into phyco-analysing me to see if i have a sexual problem, to see if i am just a sexual promiscuous person and maybe it his him that i do not enjoy sex with. A lot of questions i hav eavoided answering not becasue i want to continue lieing to him but becasue i do not think i need to tell him how many times i had sex with a particular guy or the size of that persons penis. Now he thinks i may have cheated before since marriage and the truth his i have not. I have told him everything i can remember but the details that he requires sometimes i just cannot remember to accurately tell him and when i say i do not remember rhe thinks i am lieing. I knwo i have messed up, i do not think that this situation has happened before to anyone. All these lies and for what, i just cannot and di dnot learn the value of truth. So for approx 16 years i have deceived, manipulated and weave my way through a relationship and marriage that should not have been mine. I have my entire family caught up in my pool of mess, a husband who is left vulnerable because he wants what is best for his kids, and children who do not want to see their parents part. This is what a web of deceit reaps.Now i am truly lost and do not know where to start picking up the pieces. Can someone advise me how to begin this process.
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female
reader, lostiam +, writes (18 April 2011):
lostiam is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere are no praises to sing after nearly two years. We are still living together but it is as if we are apart.
I tried all that i read about, being humble, giving and accommodating, disclosing my wherabouts being open and all. But i believe that all of this was futile because I now know what i have always suspected, that I really do not love this man. He has become manipulative, still hurls any and all kinds of degrading and insultive names etc at me but expects that i should happily engage in sex with him even after all is tantrums.
As i write he has threatened to hurt me, and so I am now looking to move out. I will leave the kids as one person suggested. Or ending my life may be the best option right now.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 It takes courage coming on here and telling your past. Generally we hear of people who have been deceived, and not the one who was in the wrong. Doing so, and facing the past is a huge step in healing from it.
Let's discuss why deceit and manipulation leads you down this path of destruction. Often when arguments turn into hate speech, it's a reflection of how one sees themselves. The guilt, the anger and the knowing what you had been doing coming out and lashing against your husband and in a way releasing some pressure built up by carrying those issues for so long. Guilt, grudges, past hurts don't just sit dormant, they grow.
The direction that is needed here, I believe is forgiveness. First, give your husband a single chance to get out his frustration with the past. You sit and listen, he vents, when he's done he forgives your past, not because its mandatory, but out of his love for you. Then he needs to focus on today, and not in the past. Today is what will build tomorrow, so any more focus on the past would be spinning wheels because no result for tomorrow will be produced by doing so.
Next, it's your turn, which is the most difficult task you'll have to face. You need to forgive yourself. When it's said that "forgiveness is divine", that is of absolute truth. It's so easy to point fingers at others, and not as easy to do so at ourselves, and to extend forgiveness to ourselves for what we have done that negatively affect another. It's like, we deserve self punishment, that I hurt ________, so I deserve to live with the pain from causing that hurt. This is not true. In order to establish the kind of relationship you want, and to develop a foundation of happiness for your marriage, it is "mandatory" you forgive yourself for your past as well.
Remember, sexual acts are [acts], they are not of you and don't need to define who you are now. You've come clean and have done the difficult. You can now build your marriage from today forward in honesty and love. He chose you to marry, so you are the one in however many billions of women there are who deserves this marriage.
You mentioned coming to Jesus, and needing to change the direction you were headed. In this process of healing, I want you to gain an expanded view of God. I research biblical text and its association with present time. Without going into who?, what? and where?, we can agree there is true evil and hate in this world. The battle between good and evil or in this case the battle between love and hate. The bible states, "In the beginning there was Word, Word was of God and the Word is God." O.K., what word. Word is singular, if God meant plural, it's plural form would be stated. I don't see God as a being who'd make a grammatical error. I looked at the Word as being descriptive. If there was one word to describe God or the personality of what would it be? "God so LOVED the world", "LOVE your neighbor as yourself" and looking at the fact that babies are born with the inherent unconditional LOVE for their parents, which must then be a blessing from the God who created LOVE. In that context, as being one of the great abilities God bestows upon all of us, lets replace Word with Love. In the beginning there was Love, Love was of God and Love is God. Therefore, a description of God would be the untouched, untainted, unconditional love that is also the high level of love a husband and a wife needs to strive for, because that is where true intimacy is found. Think of it like this. Children make mistakes, both parent's don't love the child any less or keep records of deeds to measure their love by. Even if you two split up, can you say your children would be loved any less by either of you? So, why can't the two people who love their children unconditionally, love each other without condition as well? Which you can also say, why, when God loves you without condition, do you have difficulty loving yourself without condition? This sets the reason why "forgiveness [of self] is divine." When you hold on to your record of deeds and have some if you could do over again you would have, you begin loosing that sense of self, where self love is kept. This negative view of yourself affects your relationships, friendships, choices (who cares attitude) etc.
I hope this helps. A little long, but I felt it was needed to provide you with questioning yourself which would lead you to a the changing direction you asked for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): At last youve been honest with him. He may well have had suspicions there were more guys apart form the one you told him about. Im sure in his heart of hearts he knew that was just the tip of the iceburg. Why oh why did you marry him? You must have realised as you couldnt be faithful to him, that he wasnt the one for you. Its time you sorted out this mess before it does any more damage. Your husband wasnt wiling to let go of the fact you went with one guy, hes never going to be able to recover from the other things you have told him. You need to go on a break from each other. Make sure the children dont suffer. Maybe leave them at home with their father. That way it will minimize the amount of upheaval to them as they all seem to be innocent parties. You need time and space to work out what it is you really want.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 Your voice in your writing sound very honest, so I feel sympathy for you. I always think, that honesty is better than faithfulness. Tell your husband, that past sex affairs are not much important event than PRESENT RELATIONSHIP... Honesty is highest values, and need some WISDOM...for consideration.
I know it is male mentality, that always demand some irrational materials from 'wife', about all details related to sexual activity with other, It is not healthy mind. Sex is not something 'CRIMINAL' Done is done, and why one should feel as if it is like 'crime ?' True moral lay in respecting choice, and all else should be put aside, as irrelevant.
After all we all are living in a free society, against orthodox, where parent decide and children follow. In free society, choices are made by an individual, and there are always chances of mistakes in making bad choices. So, our attitude about sex required some change. We need new morality that valued 'honesty'.
I have presented here my view, and put some analysis for you that can help to think properly.
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