A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've been raised in a really abusive family. Both my parents are mentally and physically abusive. I have deep hatred towards both of them. Although I have a more closer relationship with my mom, yet she's abusive and manipulative as heck. We argue a lot, she always wants to be right, and it drives me crazy. I have no idea why she always makes me feel that I'm going to be a bad mother. I'm still 20, and every time we talk she always brings up the topic that I don't know how to cook, be 'obedient' and not stubborn, and that I'm considering to work my whole life, and for her that will make me a BAD mother. She just makes me feel crappy about it, and says she says 'I feel bad for whoever you'll end up with 'he will be an idiot for picking you' and that my future kids will love her more than me. SHE'S LITERALLY INSANE. Like she's trying to make me feel bad the way my dad made her feel bad, because she was also mentally and physically abused by him. YET she's still with him and obeys him like a freakin idiot although both of them are in open relationships and it's so disgusting. I always tell her that Im never going to end up like her and that I'm not that stupid to date or marry the wrong man, and that my education and work will always be a priority, and that I have the right to stand up to who ever the heck the person is. She flips out and says that I'm not going to stay that long with a man. I literally boil inside and end up in panic attacks whenever she argues, she just leaves me there and act as if she doesn't care. The only reason why I'm with them and sometimes have to shut up is that they pay for my college and they also owe me more than $1000 because they were going through some financial difficulties during the pandemic. I'm definitely moving out after college and I'm never looking back. I couldn't stop crying the last few days about what I'm going through, and I can't imagine how much hatred I have for them, to the point where I wish they are dead or suffering. And I find it hard to forgive them for what they did/are doing to me. But will I ever regret cutting them off forever if I really did that? Would you forgive parents who made your life so miserable? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2020):
My mother sounds like yours. I forgave her so many times even after swearing I would never speak to her again.
I am almost 50 now and it is only recently that I learned to let go. She's not a nice person. She's not a good person. She is manipulative and tries to control me with money or even threatens to harm herself. We did share some good experiences, but I cannot tolerate her abuse anymore.
I used COVID-19 as an excuse not to see her anymore (she is almost 80) and I feel so much better! We still talk sometimes, but I finally feel free of her!
You are still very young so I don't know what your relationship will be like going forward, but please don't wait as long as I did to figure out that your mom is abusive and manipulative. You don't deserve it.
I have to say that even though things are relatively stable at the moment I will still feel glad when my mom dies. Only then will I be completely rid of her. That said, forgive your parents if they are genuine about it, but be skeptical. I have seen my share of crocodile tears.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2020): Honestly, I know how you feel. The pandemic has truly brought out the worst of people and showed the true colours of people. I know it’s probably hard to forgive them at least for now as the situation is still fresh. But over time, you will let go of it. I suggest moving out and finding a place where you feel safe and have friends near you. You’ll probably need some support from them when you do move out. I was in your position as well, my parents were manipulative and verbal-abusive and it did send me to a very low point in my life. Initially I never fought back and ignored it and it ate me up from the inside because things they said weren’t true or they just plainly accused me of it or said I was useless or disobedient. Over time, I did fight back and argue and over time, somehow I learned to let it go. I never truly forgive them for making my life a pretty hellish one. But the rage is gone. When I think back , I do feel upset that they’ve said all those things but you can’t change who they are. You can only help yourself. All I can say is that, it’ll fade away and focus on yourself. At some point you’re gonna be satisfied that you’re able to say I’m anything but you two were!
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2020): Hi OP.
Forgiveness is always necessary, even if people do not apologise. However, keeping that level of toxicity around you for a long period of time is not healthy. Unfortunately your parents are sustaining you at the moment (as parents should, especially in today's time where getting a college or University education is basically necessary). If you can, at some point find a way to make it up to them, amicably and peacefully remove yourselyourself from the situation and never look back.
There is no justification for toxicity. This narrative that all parents are "doing the best they can" and are "looking out for your best interest" needs to end, because all some parents are, are toxic at the end of the day. Your parents are supposed to speak life into you, and say good things, of course they must correct you when you need it but they should also encourage and let you know when they are proud of you... Which some parents never do. So with that being said, there's no justification for emotional and physical abuse... Not even a pandemic. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
God bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2020): When it comes to abusive parents I have been there, done that and worn the t shirt, I promise you that if this were a contest mine were far worse than yours. I never had the chance to go to secondary school let alone college, and that would have been funded by the Government. My mother tried to pimp me out to men - I made sure she failed -
she moved my sister and me in with a convicted pedeophile and she turned a deaf ear to him trying it on with us - in fact she would shout and rave at us if we said a word against him. Compared to most upbringings yours sounds relatively normal and not much to shout about. My mother used to come to me demanding enormous sums of money, more than the cost of her house, and expect a child at school to suddenly find this money - something which was impossible - and no she was not struggling with money, she had plenty, she was greedy and not all there.
Do you believe any of this stuff your parents say to you? When I said I was setting up my own business my parents laughed at me and told me there was no way it would work, that I was too stupid etc. Did I listen? No. And ten years later I was very wealthy, running a business with a lot of staff, being offered work on television, radio, writing, stage and much more. And still they did not take back what they said, still they insisted I was stupid. More fool them.
The whole thing about being a child is that it is normal to be with your parent(s) then. But as you get older you have choices, you can cut those cords. The snag with that is that you have to stand on your own two feet.
But you also seem to want it both ways. You can hate people with all your might, but then you do not go near them or speak to them. And you certainly do not take their help or money. If you consider a person to be poison fine, then treat them like poison, do not sip from their cup. Do not use them or benefit from them.
The idea that they owe you money! If they are funding your education then my dear you owe them far more than that piddling amount you said they owe you. You write it off. In real life most would say that financially you owe them a lot and should pay them back every penny they spent on your schooling and education. Even if it is only so that you can walk away head held high knowing that you did the right thing, the grown up thing, and
treated them fairer than they did you.
Unlike some here I do not agree that when someone is verbally abusing you it goes in one ear and out the other. But you do walk out of the room, you do move out.It hurts to hear such things, it hurts to be put down all of the time, but if you just stand there and stay there of course they continue to do it.
You protect yourself from having it happen over and over again. And coming on here and moaning about it is not really grown up. It smacks of a het up teenager throwing a fit and throwing their rattle out of the pram.
Maybe you take after one or both of them.
Are you working at all? How did you manage to acquire this money you " lent " them. Acquire more and sort out your life on your own without them. The price you pay for your freedom, for escaping, is having to man up.
That means having your own income, providing for yourself and using your time and resources in the most sensible way there is.
At one time I had five part time jobs so that I could earn enough to get away from my mother and her pedeophile boyfriend. I was often working seven days a week with no time to myself. But it served it's purpose. I escaped.
I did not waste time on moaning or throwing tantrums, I did things which help to make my future better.
Now it is your turn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"It's hard to advise an OP when serious accusations or allegations are made, with minimal examples to support such serious claims."
"It seems you'd pick anywhere; but living back-home with your alleged abusive-parents."
P.S.
It's best to get out of environments that trigger your anxieties and cause severe psychological-trauma. You don't have to remain in the room and be subjected to verbal-abuse. Nothing can stop you from leaving. Unlike when you were a child, you can now defend yourself; or you can find another place to live. You'll just have to find another way to fund your education.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2020): Hate is a very strong word and a very self-consuming emotion. You say your parents are mentally and physically abusive; but it would be helpful if you gave some history and backstory; or elaborated on how they were physically-abusive and emotionally-abusive to you as a child.
Parents being critical or opinionated nowadays is considered verbal-abuse; and any form of discipline or a scolding will be considered cruelty. Especially coming form children who dislike punishment and resent authority of any sort; no matter what they've said or done.
I'm often skeptical of a lot of these posts, unless they come from children or teenagers. They usually go into great detail explaining what happened to them. It's hard to advise or when serious accusations or allegations are made with minimal examples to support such serious claims. Yet these same adult-children are back-home living with their parents. It seems you'd pick anywhere; but living back-home with you alleged abusive-parents.
I think there's two-sides to your story; and using words like "deep hatred" towards your parents is pretty harsh. It's hard to understand why there was never an intervention by relatives, neighbors, any teacher, a school nurse, school counselor; or the child protection authorities? Most kids runaway from very abusive-parents, and/or end-up in foster-homes. Evidence of physical-abuse is often recognized by teachers, pediatricians, and concerned neighbors. The kind of language you used is more typical of defiant or rebellious teens. You're approximately 22 years old; and really don't have to go anywhere near people you would have such a deep hatred for. You should be able to find a friend or another relative to live with. You're an adult, and really don't have to be so intimidated by your parents. As a child, you were at their mercy; because you were dependent on them. Not now!
I suggest that you seek therapy through a reputable psychologist for your post-traumatic stress; if the abuse has given you panic-attacks, or a feeling of hatred towards your parents. There is no-way that you could be functioning in a healthy way without professional-help. Not if your life was that bad. Even more confusing is that you would accept their money to go college, and still return home. If they are paying for your education; how would they still owe you $1000.00?
It might be better if you found some place else to live; if the abuse still continues.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2020): I do not subscribe to this silly culture of forgiveness nonsense. If someone wrongs you as these people have you do not have to forgive them.
If they apologize mend their ways and ask forgiveness then you can decide to forgive if you feel it is in your interest to do so.
The idea that hating people who have abused you before they make amends only hurts you is a spurious belief at best. At worst it's dangerous because it can lead you into letting people who have hurt you back into your life to do it again.
Some people need to be cut from your life like a doctor cuts a cancerous tumor from your body. It's sounds to me like these people fall into that category.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2020): Yes, if you want PEACE, and I mean INNER PEACE, then to move on, you will have to let go. If you have hatred for somebody you are not free and chained to inner turmoil festering and growing like cancer. Hatred is dangerous and destroys SELF as well as others.
I am going to point something out to you from a different perspective to think about when somebody says to me' they always have to be right' it tells me that they also want to be right = battle of wills. I always think it does not matter who is right, what does it prove, I can not be bothered with the drama.
You also say' they pay for your college, yet they owe you a thousand pounds? Why are you not helping pay for your own college fees? you are 20 years old an adult and could find independence now rather than AFTER they have paid all your fees, it's a bit like 'using' really and we should not USE parents or anybody to get where we want.
I worked lots of hours in-between college to finance myself and studies and independent living by sharing with a reliable good friend, I still pay loans off now. It is far easier this day and age to earn a living at home online so you are not physically worn out as well as mentally (look at tutoring or selling craft items to help fund).
I am sure your environment is toxic to you, and maybe overwhelming but at 20 years old you CHOOSE to stay at home, fly the nest! then you won't feel so trapped and probably make parents feel a bit stress-free as well.
So you can't cook, big deal, learn, and you are not obedient, so you are strong-willed and won't be forced, you will probably work all your life? nothing wrong with working hard, however children should ALWAYS ALWAYS be the priority if you have chosen to have them, they come before work, (just my opinion where I am old fashioned). A lot of women are hungry for power roles but children require MOTHERS, it's the laws of nature.
You are probably having panic attacks due to your toxic or dysfunctional environment and partially your headstrong personality, and you are coming up against brick walls (life will always do this, we have to bend with the wind a little or we break).
Hatred should not be in your heart especially for your parents and yes I believe in forgiveness by LETTING GO and moving forward. Move out and earn a living other than university it will stand you in good stead for the real world and all the STRONG HEADED characters you will come up against, what are you going to do when they stress you?
You wanna be a career girl, then learn to adapt, learn to bend a little, learn to see more than one perspective, learn to let warmth into your heart, let these be some of the driving forces behind your career, it's not all about power and drive to succeed, ambition is important but have room for life and love.
Hate will destroy you, your character, your spirit, your family, and your health, no need to tell you how your health will suffer and mental health. Stop fighting a battle of wills that you can not and will not win.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (23 July 2020):
 Yes I would because carrying around bad feelings doesn't do anything good but hurt yourself. Sometimes we don't get dealt a good hand when it comes to our family. We get to choose our friends and our mate but our family we don't. Try and make the best of the situation. Honeypie gave your some great tips please consider using them.
I totally agree that this pandemic has struck fear into everyone and sadly while it brings out the very best in some, in others it brings out the worst.
Surround yourself with happiness and love. Pick friends that you can rely on, and a partner that you love and trust and has your back.
I had a great relationship with my father, not so great with my mom. I won't get into it but although she gave me the basics she was never there for me and always put me down and made me feel extremely insecure. As I got older married and had children even my children could see how she treated me. I have never known why. She's now in her 80's and finally admitted that she treated me badly. She can't even say why. I gave up on her being a "model mom" a loooooong time ago because that just wasn't who she was. I accepted her for who she is, not what I wanted her to be. I have no regrets because no matter how she treated me, I always was decent to her and respectful. Does she have regrets? Yes she does. My conscious is clear.
Be strong OP. Sometimes we just have to find our love from people who aren't family.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 July 2020):
 Would I forgive them?
Yes.
Why, you might ask?
Because HATING them only hurts YOU. They don't care. It's equivalent to taking poison and hoping someone else die, you know? Pointless? Simply pointless.
They ARE who they are, they won't change. ONLY thing that CAN change is YOU, how you deal with this and how you move forward.
I am sorry that you have grown up with parents like that. Hopefully it has shown you what NOT to be as a partner, wife and mother. We CAN learn from other peoples' mistakes in that sense.
Make your plans for the future. So you have some clear goals. Keep working hard with your school work so you have more options when you are done.
Avoid giving them more money than you can AFFORD to never see again. Because I don't think they will pay you back.
ACCEPT that :
1. this pandemic seems to bring out the worst in people.
2. THIS is who they are and how they act.
3. THEIR behavior is not a reflection of YOU. I will repeat that - THEIR behavior is not a reflection of YOU. More likely a deep unhappiness with their onw lives, choices and YOUR "freedom" to do whatever you do.
You won't forgive them (or anyone else) overnight. It takes time. But DO think about it. Don't carry around hate in your heart, because it ONLY hurts you. Forgive YOURSELF for having "bad thoughts" of them getting hurt. I think it's a kind of honest reaction to how they behave but... it makes you get down in the gutter WITH them and that is NOT where you want to be.
Once you are done with school and out of the house. DO you. If that means cutting contact. DO you.
My advice when your mother yells at you count (inside you head) and take a deep breath and then LET all that go in one ear and out the other on a deep exhale.
Sometimes we are dealt shitty cards, but that doesn't matter as much as what you CHOSE to do next.
Make your life full of love. And when you seek out a partner/BF look for someone with a healthy relationship with his parents, especially his mother.
Life is too short to carry around hate. It will age you prematurely and give them control over your thoughts.
Chin up and keep working hard.
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