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Not sure wheather to move in together as a family or not

Tagged as: Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

hi again you great agony aunts and uncles, i am back again for some advice on what to do, me and my man have been together for over 2 years now, its LDR, and recently we have been having the moving in together talk, but we are unsure what to do, we have a child each from ex partners, they are the same age, so yes they get on, and then have there bickers, so we are not sure wheather to wait for the kids to be perfect with each other and them be ready to live together, or we make the decision of us all living together, we are the adults after all, do we sit them down and say this is how it is, we want to be together as a couple, and this is how its going to be, you will get use to living together, and we will have house rules, (we have house rules now when at each others houses we have to to keep them under control when together)but if we put them together like we would like to, do we have 6 months of hell of them getting use to been together all the time, or do we wait another 6 months to get it right, me and my man try and see each other as much as we can, so the kids can see each other and get on better, and me and my man are fully committed we are ready to move in together, but we do want a happy going on all way round, we know they will be teething problems always is when changes in life, but its just the kids, do we make the decsion and get on with it making our relationship even stronger by been together more, or do we wait for the kids to be ready and will they ever be ready, please need some advice we are unsure what to really do in this situation thanks hope to have some advice from someone soon.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (1 September 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntsiblings fight. it's human nature...even step siblings..

IF you and your partner are sure you are committed and want to be together I would NOT wait till the kids are ready... they will never be ready....

I vote for GO FOR IT...

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (1 September 2011):

eddie85 agony auntI would urge caution at this point. You state you've been going out for 2 years, but that the relationship up to this point has been mostly long-distance.

So in other words, you really don't know how each other reacts on a daily basis. Not only that, you only have some inkling of how your kids will really act with one another.

I know at this stage, you'd like to be closer to one another, but there are kids involved. If there were no dependents, I'd probably say have at it, but since there are kids, they will almost feel like this is another divorce if things don't go well and it could affect their emotionally well-being if they suddenly have to share you with another two people.

Also, you don't mention how old the children are, but you may be teaching them an un-intentioned lesson: that marriage isn't important. When two couples live together they are sort of bypassing the true commitment test and that teaches your children that sleeping with someone else is a casual thing. You may regret this and wonder if your choice and lifestyle impacted your children should they have many casual relationships as they mature.

Either way, I think you need to weigh the financial aspects and what risks you are taking with the livelihood of your children. In addition, you will be putting new and untested strains on a relationship that may not be ready for it. Only you can decide if the rewards are worth the risks and whether you are willing to accept the consequences of your choice(s).

Good luck.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntThe kids might not ever be ready. Even siblings related by the same gene pool might not choose to live with one another! :) No matter what the time timing, anytime you bring kids into a new sitation, there are going to be growing pains. Brace yourself for bickering, not bliss.

You want to put the decision in the hand of the adults-you and your sweetie.

You are the ones that will be in charge making all the choices and doling out the consequences. Make sure you are both totally on the same page with who is responsible for what..finances, repairs, utilities, cooking, etc.

Make sure you are on the same page regarding the rules and discipline. (what is fair and what is too much punishment?)

The kids need to see you as a rock solid team with the same agenda. If they can beat the system-they will!

Before moving in, I would let the kids have lots of experience seeing you as a happy, healthy couple. How about a vacation as a family as a trial run of new togetherness?

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