A
female
age
41-50,
*rummyscreenname
writes:The guy that I was in love with and I broke up for good nearly a year ago. We had a good relationship for about 6 months, and a really shitty, alcohol-fuelled, rocky, dramatic, on-again-off-again, booty-call relationship for about 6 months after that. Then, he started dating one of my friends. Not someone that I was really close to, and they didn't meet through me, but it's still shitty.The thing is that I just saw a picture of them on Facebook where he is kissing her cheek, and saw that his status update is now "in a relationship". He never "In a relationship"ed with me, just went from "single" to "no longer single". They have been dating for probably about 6 months, so I guess that things are getting serious. The thing that I don't understand I why I started crying when I saw the picture. We've been broken up for almost a year and the relationship was on the rocks of a long time before that. All in all, we probably only had 6 good months. So why the hell am I so upset about this? Why does it still bother me? Especially, when I think about it, I bet that they are a really great match and I can totally imagine them being really good together. So why does this bother me? Why do I feel so shitty about it still? Why aren't I over it by now? I've been in a crazy depression since we broke up, and I'm starting to get over it, but it's so slow. And what can i do to get over it? I can't take the rest of my life to get over a relationship that only lasted 6 months! I hate this!
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female
reader, londonmiss  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Hi OP,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I split up with my boyfriend of 2 years a few months ago, and I didn't think it had gone wrong at all. Even now I'm pretty sure I'm over him, if I saw him in another relationship with someone I didn't know, let alone someone I was friends with, I would feel pain and sadness.
What I'm trying to say is, it's natural to feel hurt. Looking back, you are probably grasping onto the 6 months which were good, and perhaps overlooking why it went sour. Of course you are going to feel pain, you and this man shared a year of your lives together in an intimate way and it's difficult to think he is sharing that with someone else now.
You'll be fine, I promise, I know :) x
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 February 2012):
 You may be reacting because on some level your ex became a symbol for something that you have unresolved.
Nothing about how special he was, it has to do with your interpretation of the meaning of your relationship.
I have done a number of media interviews and articles on break ups and getting over an ex, and you can check them out for free at my site:
http://www.franktalks.com/break-ups/
I wish you healing.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 February 2012):
 It's funny but I was thinking about this very same scenario today as I was driving to work. I was thinking what it is that keeps people grounded in misery and self sacrificed suffering at the end of a relationship.
Whatever or however things come to an end, there is always a reason but it is always shitty for the one who either didn't want the relationship to end or got left behind whilst the other moved on to 'happiness'. I put 'happiness in commas because in all honesty we never really know if the person really is truly happy. A few showy pics on a social network site proves nothing.
I think the key to what happened lies in the second 6 month period of your relationship. The time when things were rocky and desperate. You most definitely arn't alone in this instance. A lot of people cling on to hope and begin to allow themselves to slip into questionable and akward actions (not always by choice) and it is often in vain. When we allow ourselves to be treated badly, it weakens us and lowers our self esteem and this can plunge us into depression.
It's hard to understand why our once happy relationship can go so wrong so quickly and we fool ourselves into thinking that any amount of bad behaviour can be overlooked as long as we can be together.
The reality check is that the relationship failed because it just was never meant to work out. The dimensions just didn't add up and it had to cease to be.
The person who is left behind carries the burden of the break up like a heavy and tortuous coat. They feel that if they take their mind off it even for a second they are somehow betraying it's memory or preventing working out how to mend it...but it's broken beyond repair and we sometimes need to force ourselves to move on.
Small steps are needed, we have to let go little by little in manageable chunks, but the goal is to keep going until we are completely over it.
We sometimes think we haven't got a choice to let go, but really we have. We think that if we let go, we will have to step 'off the cliff into loneliness' or 'into an abyss of the unknown'...its very very scary and very very upsetting but, as I was thinking today, it absolutely cannot and absolutely IS NOT worse than the torture and anguish of being on a constant treadmill of regret pain and suffering.
You need to do things to give yourself a fighting chance of recovery and they are practical and instant.
Erase, block and delete all social networking links to these people. Think of the links as flames that will burn you everytime you look. Knowing anything about these people will only keep you submerged in pain. You do not need to know because it serves no purpose.
Focus on yourself and what you would like to do to give you some happiness. It has to be something that is pertaining to only you, like a hobby or a holiday or a learning course or a new job. Even something simple like re organising your wardrobe or painting your room...something that makes a change, something you can look at and say 'I did that'
If you feel overwhelmed with depression or sadness you need to speak to your doctor and maybe have some medication. Alternatively you could try a new healthy eating plan, some regular gentle exercise and make sure you get plenty of sleep and relaxation. I found self hypnosis tapes at bedtime extremely helpful when I was suffering from depression.
You have to fill up your day with keeping busy so your mind cannot keep dragging you back to the past.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there and have recovered. There will always be new opportunities and more fulfilling relationships in the future, but how can you see new opportunities coming when you are constantly looking back.
Hugs for you and know you arn't alone and things will get better if you let them
xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): It would bother anyone, you're acting normally.You can only cry for so long before you either get bored or fall asleep. I've tried it. I've actually forced more and more crying like a crazy experiment. And you know what I got really bored with it. It took the impact the seemingly seriousness right out of it. Emotions than just became emotions. All of them eventually just became something to observe. "Nothing happens until something moves"and that is the answer to infinity for me. Observe the emotions, emit them, and move.. Once there is movement there is clarity than the calm. And something tells me that you and your girlfriend will be sharing that box of kleenex someday together, except you'll be laughing when the last one is pulled. So cry till you can't and then take a walk. It's an amazing world a mystery.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Get help with the depression, if you haven't already. You are grieving for the early part of your relationship. You have no way of knowing how things with going with his new girlfriend. These things are often in a pattern and he may well turn on her too. But that's of no consequence. The early part of your relationship with him was the 'honeymoon period' - the next phase showed that you are no good together. Focus on that. Be selfish, treat yourself and give as little thought to him as is possible. In time you will feel you had a lucky escape.
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