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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am a 32 year old female. Of late I have been having issues accepting my body. I am 5'5" and weigh 63 kilos/ ~ 138 lbs. I watch what I eat and maintain my weight through walking regularly. I dont have washboard abs or a muscular body toned by gym. I most certainly dont have a bikini body. I have had a an instance where a guy who I dated asked me about my fitness regime and expressed disapproval at my body before backing off. Do men find women like me who dont gym or have toned bodies undesirable or not sexy enough? My 138 lbs of late is due to piling some more pounds due to extreme stress due to a break up and job change ( where I end up eating more) and excessive hunger resulting from the stress .My weight gain shows quickly on my face and abs. But I dont know which issue to address first- my perspective about my weight and relationships or my actual weight gain. Aunts and Uncles pls help with your guidance!
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female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (9 August 2021):
 "But I dont know which issue to address first- my perspective about my weight and relationships or my actual weight gain." I think you should work first on the reason why you're gaining weight, are you stressed and using food to cope? Maybe adress this issue first, how to de-stress, use something else as a distraction, not food. I wouldn't be too concerned about what men think, I mean there are billions of men in the world, some will find you attractive, some won't, that's life. Work on yourself for your health an well being, if you feel better little lighter, seek the help of a nutritionist to guide you towards eating better and lose the weight, if you're happy the way you are then great 63kg is not obese and you're not endangering your health.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2021): To ask what "men" like is just as over-generalized as asking what "women" like! How can we tell you what either gender finds undesirable or not sexy enough? Everyone has their own tastes, likes, and dislikes. Some young-guys are attracted to elderly-women, some young-women like old-men. People have fetishes and weird sexual-appetites. Your question has to fall into the category of the rhetorical.
What do you like in men? It's equally as important!
Trust me, you're female, and that in itself is enough. You don't have to look like a supermodel for men to come after you. Your female-genitalia is all you need! You add to your appeal by adorning yourself, fixing your hair, and smelling lovely. You'll attract the kind of guys who like your kind of lady. Even those you wouldn't give the time of day!
Don't buy into the the hype created by magazines, TV ads, internet ads, movies, or the fashion and beauty industry. The beauty industry hire psychologists to figure-out how to manipulate the minds of consumers according to our self-image and basic insecurities; and they brainwash people into thinking there is some kind of beauty-standard we all have to meet. As if "natural" is too plain and has no value. Well, most human beings have natural bodies. Look at scenes on TV showing crowds of people on the street. What do you see? Normal everyday-people. Not all competing to be America's or Europe's next top model! When you park your car in a filled parking lot, or shopping mall; you see women with their husbands and boyfriends. What do they look like? Is every guy with a perfect female-specimen? Look-around in the real-world, and there's the answer to your question!
While women are killing themselves believing all the B.S.; celebrities are flaunting their fat, scars, missing limbs, and other imperfections. Some don't even bathe, and think that's hot! EEEWWW!
If you fall for that kind of stuff, and they've gotten to you; you'll become self-conscious and insecure. The minute you meet some superficial-clown like you've met...he somehow becomes the representative of all men!!! What he likes or doesn't like speaks for all men?!! Seriously?!!
It depends on what type of guys you consider your type. If you like gym-rats, or narcissistic-players; fitness will be their obsession. They will likely want you to share their enthusiasm about working-out. They only want to be seen next to arm-candy. She's nothing but an ornament and show-piece. You're bound to meet a few from time to time. It's inevitable. When her shine dulls, she's quickly replaced with someone shinier. If you're into being seen and worried about your image; then worry about whether you meet his standard criteria for perfection.
Develop the attitude that you are who you are, and if that's not his type...he can move on. You will spend the rest of your life trying to conform to the artificial and superficial-tastes developed by the hype of the commercial money-making industries. You will feel you have to be something you aren't, or can't be; and will lose all your joy, develop insecurities, and burdened with self-consciousness.
He was one guy in billions. He does not speak for all men! You're just a rare gem, waiting to be added to someone's treasure.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 August 2021):
 Absolutely AMEN! to all Youcannotbeserious said.
I was fit when I met my husband and we got married, I stayed fit for years and years after, not by going to a gym but running after the kids and working out at home. I gained weight I lost weight. It was never a constant after having had kids. Later when there was a gym build within walking distance I went 5-6 days a week. Because I like to be in good shape, it helps my mental health to work out. So it's a twofer - good for the body, good for the brain.
I had some health issues crip up and I gained weight. I stayed fat and wasn't able to work out to the same extend ( we had moved so no gym nearby) and I wasn't overall doing great. Hubby didn't leave or become mean about the weight gain. When I finally got myself in gears again it was FOR me. I had surgery 3 years ago and it had both helped and complicated matters, but I work out 5-6 days a week in our home gym that my husband set up for the family. I'm not 110 lbs like I was when we met. Hubby is no 155 lbs anymore either. None of us are swole... But we are still married and have been for almost 25 years.
WORK out for you. Because it makes YOU feel better.
You ask: "But I don't know which issue to address first- my perspective about my weight and relationships or my actual weight gain. "
Start with the weight gain first. Because that is the "easier" of the two to fix. When I was WAY overweight - I started out with taking my bike out for shorter and then longer rides. I lost MOST of my weight gain simply by riding my bike. It's much easier on the joints than running. And buts calories well.
The second thing I would work on (if I were you) is porting control and nutrition. If you are stressed and feel hungry KNOW what you can eat and NOT feel guilty about eating. One thing I did (still do) if I feel stressed and want to eat - I brush my teeth and drink 2 cups of water. Why? Because I don't like eating right after having brushed my teeth. And the water filled me up.
The third thing you need to do is work on your perspective of yourself AND I think, men in general.
If a guy asks you about your fitness routine, ask him about his. Now he might be VERY into fitness - which is OK but it might mean he is NOT for you if you are not into the same kind of level of fitness. If he is not himself into fitness but just wants a partner who is, then he is a no-go. Because he is shallow.
You got to find a way to love yourself. When you are fit and when you are fat. Doesn't mean you have to be self-absorbed and ALL about you. You can love yourself enough to know it's time to get back in shape. Or lose 20 lbs.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (6 August 2021):
 That is just ridiculous. If all men felt repulsed by women who don't have perfect toned bodies, 90% of us would never have had relationships or sex! But guess what? Most of us have, despite not being "perfect".
And what about you? Do you only value men according to how fit and toned they are? If you do, then it is no surprise they treat you exactly the same way.
I would suggest, firstly, concentrating more on your personality than your looks and, secondly, being a little more picky on the guys you choose to go out with. Don't go for superficial guys who are only interested in how a woman looks. Choose guys on their personality rather than their looks.
If YOU don't like your body, then, by all means, do something about it. It is easy enough to find lots of advice about losing weight and getting fit. But only doing it because YOU want to, not because some classless guy expects you to look like something off the front of a magazine.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (5 August 2021):
 Every one is different, no one is the same and has different likes and dislikes.
I think that the guy you dated who asked about your regime sounds rather shallow, and self obsessed. It seems he was seeking perfection, but let me tell you there is no such thing as perfection.
I like to keep fit, i go running and cycling on a daily basis. I do this not because i'm trying to make myself look good to others, but because it makes me feel good within myself.
I believe than when we feel good within ourselves, happy within our own skin then that eminates out into the world and our inner beauty shines through for others to see no matter what shape or size we are.
Regardless of where to start first, your weight, or your perspective on relationships, a good place to start would be to work on yourself. Start loving yourself, love your body you were blessed with, be greatful be be healthy, to get up every day and be free to do whatever you wish. The best relationship we can ever have is the relationship we have with ourselves. Love yourself and let this shine out into the world around you.
Do some light to moderate excersise, and build up as you go along and set yourself targets and goals, and most importantly enjoy doing it. Drink plenty of water and set up a healthy diet plan.
Get into nature and enjoy the beauty, do some meditaion and tell yourself positive affirmations.
True beauty and happiness is an inner game- it all starts with loving yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): In my book the face is the most important body part regarding beauty. If you have an attractive face you have tipped the beauty scale by 90%. The remaining 10% for body shape and whatnot. Thank god these days you can improve how you look a great deal by minor aesthetic surgery and by choosing the right hair style and makeup.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): What do you mean you don’t have a bikini body ? All bodies are bikini worthy , just put on a bikini
Sounds like yoh have internalised mysogyny about what women ‘ should ‘ look like and what makes a woman sexy
Why worry about what men think . What YOU think I what matters . Being healthy is what matters . Not some dude who is probably is watching eat to much porn and women on social media to know what real beauty is
These are the types of men you want to avoid
Work on finding your inner confidence and putting less emphasis into what society and men say a woman ‘ should ‘ look like
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