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Would a guy ever leave a woman if he really loved her?

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 October 2013) 14 Answers - (Newest, 22 October 2013)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My ex boyfriend broke up with me and said..

"I'll always love you..You were an amazing girlfriend"

What does this mean?? Would a guy ever leave a woman if he really loved her?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (22 October 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntit's the nice way to say "I want OUT" my mother used to call it "the kiss of death" "let's stay friends" or anything else that indicates what you currently have is to no longer be but for a while let's end it and pretend we will always be kind to each other.

it doesn't really mean anything. it's empty words to soften the blow.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013):

I love my ex-boyfriend. I truly do. I broke up with him in February and have not moved on yet.

That being said, I broke up with him because our relationship was too stressful for me, he was insecure, he didn't like trying new things, he was selfish in bed...there were a lot of reasons and I know I did the right thing. So I'm sure your ex has his reasons too. But that doesn't make it any easier.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013):

I loved my ex with all my heart. She cheated so I left her. Does that answer your question?

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

I love my wife with all of my heart, but I'm 99% sure that we'll divorce someday because she has some pretty serious character flaws that make my life more challenging than I wish it was.

So, there's likely something about you that he feels makes you two incompatible.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013):

Everyone's perception and idea of love isn't the same.

People fulfill different "needs" when being with someone.

You can form a committed relationship without having the same needs. You still have differences, regardless of how much you may think you have in-common.

We've been taught to believe there is an " overall definition" that defines love. The word is most often taken out of context,.i.e. "I love chocolate!" How about when it is screamed during orgasm with a one-night stand. It is also used as a synonym for lust. It is all too frequently used when the words "fond" or "infatuated;" would be more appropriate.

It is best to understand the "depth" of a person's feelings for you; then it will make more sense.

You'll never really "know" how much you mean to them. You can only determine by their actions, how much they are willing to put up with to stay. How much you offer to encourage their devotion; and what you fulfill within them to make leaving their very last resort. How much you're willing to give and take.

You may truly and deeply love a person to the degree you will make many personal sacrifices and undergo torture to prove it. Not everyone is capable of this. However; many of us unknowingly have done it; because it wasn't a conscious effort. It happened without a thought. This is a very deep love. This is what we crave to have, but don't always give or get in return.

So you meet a guy or girl. They meet all the criteria we have perceived to be the "perfect" mate, "the one"...I truly detest this term, our "soul-mate."

This may be what "you" feel towards that person. It isn't necessarily returned in the same degree. If you understand this; then you will understand that the answer to your question is "yes." We can love someone, but still leave them for different reasons. Some justified, some not.

Love can fade, change, grow, or completely disappear. In spite of all the philosophical and poetic impressions people accept about it.

Compatibility is a major factor for keeping people together. We can love each other strongly; yet there may be conditions that may make being together completely intolerable.

You may reach your highest level of endurance; or reach your emotional saturation point, that just won't accommodate anymore of another person's behavior and actions. The way they respect us, talk to us, and treat us; will determine how much we are willing to forgive, and move past in order to maintain our union and commitment to them.

You may be forced to override your feelings for them, to find conditions that will allow you peace of mind; or to seek a better mate without all the flaws and insecurities that made life too difficult to continue with the one you're with.

Love can die. Some people possess the power to kill it.

You realize you have no right to change other people; and in reality you don't have the power to do so. So, you love and leave them. This is fairness and commonsense.

Change is something that should be done for yourself. Not for other people. You are more committed to change when you do it for yourself; because you live with "you" 24/7, 365 days a year. People die, move on, or may change how they feel about you. You can't walk away from "you." So love for yourself makes you do things to make you a better person.

The reward is, people are attracted to it. You may find love with someone good; but sometimes it will not be forever.

Speaking of "forever." You also have to understand that term as well.

You love people indefinitely; but that doesn't mean your relationship won't have an expiration date. That is because people change, conditions change, feelings change, and we are subject to uncontrolled circumstances. These circumstances may pry the strongest of relationships apart.

Understanding of this reality makes survival possible after a breakup or divorce.

There may better conditions of life and a personality possessed by someone more suitable for the person we are.

So the hope for "new love" shouldn't die with the loss of someone we truly loved, but could not keep.

There is another myth about love meaning the acceptance of all your flaws and imperfections. That is a misconception of what is expected of other people. Often said by fools who say "you must take them as they are."

People are not accepting your faults; they are forgiving them. They are ignoring them, until they become a problem.

It is arrogance to believe otherwise.

They are caring for us; because our true mission is to be good to them. To be loyal through the hardest of times. Forgiveness that goes back and forth, without effort. The avoidance of challenging their feelings out of selfishness. To understand that all people make mistakes; but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences.

The love is there, even when the word "hate" is screamed in rage. Then shortly followed by a series of despicable and vengeful acts. The emotion is turned inside out. So anger conceals the true feelings and other emotions take hold.

One of those vengeful acts would be leaving that person to suffer the loss. Even if it may mean significant grief on our part as well.

I'm not going to apply my advice to gender. I know that life's lessons are generally given to all of us.

Our emotions are all the same, regardless of our gender. Biologically we are different; therefore, we do things differently, yet our actions may hold the same meaning and intentions behind them.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (21 October 2013):

Anonymous 123 agony auntTo soften the blow. Its one of the clichés...the "its not you, its me" types. Its a way to make a dignified exit, as the female anon poster said. Lets keep it clean, you were amazing, no hard feelings.

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A male reader, somewhere_between United Kingdom +, writes (21 October 2013):

somewhere_between agony auntIt really depends on what his reason for walking out was?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe most - perhaps the ONLY - important word in your whole submittal is "were" ("... you WERE an amazing girlfriend")

What that REALLY means is: "I really liked the sex with you... but have been looking about... and think that I can have sex with an assortment of OTHER girls.... and I'd like to test them out before I come back to you with my decision that "...you ARE (and probably will continue to be) an amazing girlfriend."

You can give him a "pass" if you wish to, then.... but I believe it (the pass.... and reconstituting a relationship) will be at high risk to you....

Good luck....

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe most - perhaps the ONLY - important word in your whole submittal is "were" ("... you WERE an amazing girlfriend")

What that REALLY means is: "I really liked the sex with you... but have been looking about... and think that I can have sex with an assortment of OTHER girls.... and I'd like to test them out before I come back to you with my decision that "...you ARE (and probably will continue to be) an amazing girlfriend."

You can give him a "pass" if you wish to, then.... but I believe it (the pass.... and reconstituting a relationship) will be at high risk to you....

Good luck....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013):

I still somewhat love this guy that I was dating for 4 years. It's hard to experience this feeling for him now, because I don't see and I don't hear from him, but I had to leave him as it was impossible and heart breaking to be his girlfriend. I had a suspicion that he was sleeping with other women. He was very charming and flirty, and women liked him. I found texts and some things in his email that were not 100% obvious, but was suspicious. I a, not a jealous type as I never had this feeling with anyone else but him.

Also he needed lots of time to himself. I understood that but not in that extent. He also,liked to take pills recreationally. Like couple times a week some mood enhancing pills. I don't even know what it was. He hardly drank anything, I guess pills were enough. It's not that it effected him negatively in any way, I guess he had it under control, but I didn't see marrying someone who does it.

Sex was amazing, the best I ever had before and after. Sometimes I dream of him, sometimes I even give it a little cry, as I never I think loved someone so much S I did him. But I had to move on. When I told him, i actually lied and said I ve met someone else, and he was very distraught, and kept on asking me what he did wrong. He of course denied other women.

But anyhow this is an example how it's very possible to love someone and leave anyway.

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A male reader, bronzed adonis United Kingdom +, writes (21 October 2013):

bronzed adonis agony auntIf someone makes you unhappy enough, they cheat and forever lie, mess you up mentally etc, then yes, it`s time to leave regardless of love.

On the other hand, if he just wanted out for the sake of it, or met someone else, then it`s not a real or deep enough love.

What reason/s did he give for leaving?

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (21 October 2013):

Fatherly Advice agony auntYou bet. I did it twice. Of course in both cases it was her idea. I'm not really sure if my experience applies. I think honey nailed it when she said sometimes it just doesn't work out.

If you want to feel that he didn't love you enough, there is no harm in that. If you think his love will bring him back, you could waste a lot of time on a false hope.

Probably you feel that he is just trying to leave you feeling that you are not responsible for the break up. Most possibly you are not responsible. So you could accept that freedom from guilt.

You still have the loss to grieve over. That is where your head needs to be this morning.

FA

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 October 2013):

Honeypie agony auntYou can love someone and not want to BE with them. Loving someone isn't a guaranty that it will work out long term.

So, yes a person can love someone and still leave them. And a person can leave someone and still love them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013):

A dignified exit? He really loved you the best he could? He loved you, but he wasn't IN love with you?

It probably is best to move on, but if you feel you really need more clarity in what he meant, I think you need to ask him directly. He is really the only one who can answer what he meant because what he said could mean many things to many different people.

I could see a guy leaving a women that he really loved because he put her above himself. The guy was going to jail, the guy was a felon and it would follow her too, the guy was a financial mess and didn't think he was good enough, the guy wanted different things in life than she did and knew it would not work...those kind of things.

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