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I think my boyfriend is going mad because he's convinced I'm cheating on him!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 October 2013) 12 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *ngiecakes78 writes:

Hi

my boyfriends thinks im cheating on him i would never do that ! he keeps on recording me and then he says he can hear me with men, i think he is going mad because i no i have never done anythink and he is sure i am

i dont no how to make him see its him i love i dont want or need anyone else please help

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (29 October 2013):

Ciar agony auntOP, this is not about trust. It's about power and control.

If your boyfriend truly believed you had or were cheating, he would have done whatever it is he has threatened to do (leave you, beat the other guy up...whatever). This 'lack of proof' is merely the excuse he uses to explain why he hasn't already done that.

Your boyfriend pretends to be the injured party so you will go that extra mile to make him feel good while expecting little to nothing in return. And as long as you comply with that the status quo won't change. He will never believe you as long as he benefits from pretending not to believe you.

So stop trying to convince him.

Instead, the next time he hurls an accusation, you remain calm and simply say 'If you truly believe that then we have no future.' Then let him figure out what that means. If he challenges you or asks about breaking up, keep your answer brief 'I don't want to break up, but I'm done trying to convince you.'

Calm, matter of fact and BRIEF should be your approach.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

YouWish agony auntBy the way, Othello kills Desdemona in a jealous rage....

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

Tisha-1 agony auntThe reason you don't know how to make him see that he's wrong is….

he doesn't care if you are right or not. He just wants to be right, even if that means hurting you.

He's an abuser. Sorry.

He's recording you, that's just so wrong and making stuff up to keep you off balance and under his control.

It appears to be working because you can't see the forest for the trees here.

Break up with him today provided you can do it safely.

This guy is a lost cause, sorry.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 October 2013):

Honeypie agony auntHe is RECORDING you? Is he nuts?

And you think you somehow have to PROVE to him that you are in fact not cheating? Are you nuts?

Sorry, but that sounds utterly dysfunctional and unhealthy.

It's not going to change, if you stay in this relationship you are going to end up feeling like the crazy one.

I would end it. If he can't/won't trust you what foundation do you two have? Not a darn thing.

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

See: Othello Syndrome/Morbid Jealousy. It's real and scary. You need to have him seek help or leave him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013):

I do not mean to sound offensive but do you think he may be suffering from schizophrenia or even paranoia? Many people with this disorder constantly have doubts. So sorry to hear that the relationship is not working.

If that is the case I feel very bad for him, because then he is not an asshole.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

YouWish agony auntNo way. I'd drop the asshole the moment the word "record" came from his lips. Kick him to the curb.

It's not your job to go wheedling to him begging him to believe you. In fact, someone that keyed up on you cheating usually is cheating themselves and is keeping the heat on you excessively to throw you off the scent.

Drop him. He is toxic.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (20 October 2013):

At some point you have to make a difficult decision and either leave someone like that or ensure they get help. He may not be crazy, but he's definitely got some major abandonment issues or something.

There's nothing you can say that will change his behavior. Try to tell him that he needs therapy and you care too much about him to see him act this way.

If he refuses help you really do need to call it quits.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013):

In my experience some guys are just plain paranoid and you can't change their thoughts or behaviour or "make then see sense" no matter how hard you try

If this is a relatively new relationship (under a year old) and you have not recently revealed any sexual indiscretions to him (such as cheating on him or on an ex)then I suspect your boyfriend is one of those plain paranoid types.

I'd suspect it even more if he's told you how all his previous girlfriends have cheated on him (possibly to justify his suspicions). They probably didn't all cheat on him but he believed that they did and he subjected them to the same accusatory behaviour that he's now subjecting you to and eventually they had enough and they left.

I would leave this guy. No matter what you do or say you will not allay his suspicions and he will continue to accuse and mistrust you. It's exhausting - I've been there

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A male reader, bronzed adonis United Kingdom +, writes (20 October 2013):

bronzed adonis agony auntHow does he record you? Is this the full story, without anything being missed out? If so, then yes, he`s probably going mad.

I would get out of it, before you go mad too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013):

Is your boyfriend showing any other signs of paranoia? It really sounds like he's got some mental health issues if you've given him no signs of cheating and he's thinking that anyway. when did this start? What was it like BEFORE it started? Has he been emotional or withdrawn (more so than normal, I mean)? Any other changes of character or behaviours?

How about you? Are you working weird hours or spending time in places where you can't answer your phone right away? have you told him you were going some place with someone for some amount of time only to have that all change (and you didn't call him to let him know)? If so, that DOES NOT MEAN that I am implying you are doing something wrong. I'm just trying to figure out what the trigger to this paranoia is. Do your and his friends see any changes in how he acts toward you?

I'm sorry, but I really hope someone can convince him to see a therapist or a rescue-crisis person and maybe get him on meds. Unfortunately, crazy people don't realize they're crazy. :-( I really hope he and you are able to get help. You shouldn't have to be recorded and you shouldn't have to stand on your head just to get him to realize you're not cheating.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (20 October 2013):

janniepeg agony auntI would not be with a boyfriend who records me. I would not live my life under surveillance. I would just dump him, because it's too costly to hire a lawyer to sue him for invasion of privacy.

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